M O D E R A T E D E P R E S S I O N
anxiety : 2
agitation : 2
Been too depressed to function properly lately. The creative high has petered out, and now I'm down to 0% inspired. The ideas that I previously thought were worth exploring now seem like useless crap, stuff I meet with Who cares and Why bother.
Even if I've had at least eight hours of sleep, I have trouble getting out of bed. I'd stay under the covers until past noon, because I see no point in getting up. I'm too dull and weak to get to work, I don't know what to cook, I don't know what to eat, I can't watch telly, I hate the current movies. Even after I get up and try to go about my day, I end up going back to bed because there's just nothing worth doing. My usual to-do list flickers in my mind; I have this sense that I'm supposed to do something - like cook, write, sweep the floor or drink water - but I have neither the energy nor the interest to do anything. I find no pleasure whatsoever in a book that I was looking forward to reading a couple of weeks ago. Everything is bland and pointless, dammit; and I want to die again. And it doesn't help that the summer heat is impetuous.
I did some grocery shopping today at least. I preferred strolling aimlessly to walking purposefully, but I got something done. I forgot about a lot of stuff, but I got something done. And I bought cookies, which I had for dinner, with creamy mushroom soup and celery sticks. Aaaaaaaah, a heavenly meal, the highlight of my day - seriously.
Cheering myself up by re-watching Sherlock, but the more I watch it, the more I get depressed, because Benedict Cumberbatch is so frakking beautiful and he makes me hate myself.
Winding down into bed tonight, I got myself making a mental list of Byronic heroes (some of which may cross with antiheroes and tragic heroes). Counting Byronics instead of sheep. Edmond Dantes, Bruce Wayne, Uchiha Sasuke, Shinji Ikari, Kurt Cobain, Anakin Skywalker, Morpheus of the Endless et al. And Byron himself of course. I don't recall what got me started on that, but I finally found something fun to do. Not worthwhile, but fun. Felina Kyle, Don Juan de Marco, Louis and Lestat, Kenshin Himura, the guy in "Jumper", everyone in "Rent" ...
