slight dysphoria
anxiety : 1
agitatedness : 1
I pondered on some stuff I recently read in the blog of a woman who lives with a bipolar husband, and something something that I heard on Oprah in one of those episodes on Bipolar Mood. Here is my reaction paper of sorts.
People who live with bipolars have a lot to complain about. I don't blame them; we bipolars are really difficult to deal with and it's easier to just dismiss us leave us, or stuff us with sedatives so we wouldn't be such a pain in the ass. While those courses of action keep things civil at the surface, they're not really the right way to deal with things because it resolves nothing, it stops nothing, and creates nothing good.
The first step in dealing with anything is to be informed. If you live with a bipolar, it's counterproductive to just rant and blame. Instead of just wishing that your mood-swingy loved one would change (or die) for your benefit, you have to be a part of the solution too. It's very unfair to impose rules of behavior on them if you aren't willing to change your behavior yourself. There are some things you and need to know and keep in mind.
One of the biggest complaints about bipolars is the anger. Related to that is impatience, irritability, crankiness, snarky language, and so on.
Here's what you have to understand: For a normal (not that we bipolars aren't normal), hormonally-balanced person, being upset is just "being upset".
For a bipolar, particularly in an episode, there is no such thing as "upset".There is no such thing as a "minor irritation".
"Upset" can mean having a strong urge to destroy something or hurt someone.
"Upset" can mean offended to the point of hopelessness.
I'm not kidding.
For a "normal" person, anger is a strong, potentially violent emotion .
For a bipolar, anger is a violent, explosive emotion. In a lot of cases, there isn't even such a thing as anger, just rage.
There's no point in wondering why their anger is often not proportional to the situation.
You have to understand, it's hard to control. It's just there, and it has to go somewhere. He/she needs to express it somehow, and you have to help/ him her find a way to do that in the least violent manner possible. Be firm if you must, but don't react to his/her anger with more anger.
It even might have nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally. And yes, a bipolar in a manic episode can be happy and angry at the same time.
Can't imagine that? Just think of this guy:
"Let's put a smile on that face!"There's nothing to fear though. It's not sociopathic; just manic.
Nothing personal - it's just hormonal.
Nothing psychological even - just biological.
How to avoid angry episodes: As much as possible, you have to work together to avoid all possible triggers. Know what those triggers are - substances, situations, even specific persons - and help keep your dear bipolar far away from them.
When a bipolar is already enraged, there's no point in telling him to "calm down" because that isn't going to happen.
It's like telling the Incredible Hulk to chill. Like he'll listen.
"You won't like me when I'm angry". Indeed.Chances are, when you need to tell him / her to calm down, it's already too late for that, so you have to be ready with another course of action.
What should be done? The necessary thing to do is to remove or deal with whatever caused the upset / anger in the first place. If it's a situation, find a quick escape route. If it was caused by a person, confront that person before the bipolar does; it will be less bloody that way.
If the upsetting agent was you, just apologize. Even if it's not your fault, just to pacify things, but bring it up again when he/ she is in a calmer, stabler mood so you can tell him/ her about what upset you (this is so you can have a healthy relationship).
The chemical imbalance is due to a biological fault; the episode can't be combated by mere mental manipulations like debating or over-explaining. Retaliating with more anger will further agitate your bipolar loved one, and he/ she will have no trouble releasing a barrage of verbal attacks that will decimate your self-esteem in no time. Take my word for it: shorten the war as soon as possible; employ a temporary peace treaty whenever applicable.
Avoid enraging the hulk to avoid engaging him. I can't emphasize this enough: Keep away from every possible trigger.
What works for me
Every bipolar is different, so you have to find out what works for the particular bipolar in your life. In my case, "calm down" is not only useless; it's insulting (because it makes me feel like you see me more of a problem than a person). It will only produce the opposite effect, and I will direct my anger at the person who said it.
I personally have found it very pacifying and much more beneficial to hear someone say, "I'm sorry," It's my fault," "I'll take care of that for you," or "I love you".
Let me just say I'm not trying to make excuses for our ugly behavior; I acknowledge my own tendency to be hurtful, I'm a huge jerk too, I swear, and I'm not proud of that. The things I do aren't (always) intentional, and I am willing to make the necessary amends and amendments. I am just stating facts that other people probably need to consider before throwing unnecessary judgment and expectations .
The behavior can be controlled but the emotion cannot, and that makes the behavior a little more difficult than "normal" folks can possibly imagine. It's not at all pretty, but heck, it's a reality.
It would be helpful to remember that a bipolar's volcanic eruptions thrown your way may really have nothing to do with you. But whether you like it or not, you're in the lava flow, so it would be best to know what you have to do
A big, fat sorry for your luck to people with the condition, or to those who live with bipolars in the family - but your love just has to be bigger than the disorder.
And oh, it's not a "dis-order" by the way; it's a different kind of order, something normal to those born with it.
