anxiety: 0
agitatedness: 0
Enjoying a few days of normal. By normal I mean little to no symptoms of elevation or depresssion, with little to no anxiety or irritability, but still having that slight submerged-underwater dullness. Whoopee-doo.
I just came from Sunday church; we had a mini healing service this morning during worship. I muse about coming forward for prayers for healing from BMD, but never go. I'm pretty willing to live with the fact that this is the sort of thing that has no cure, and I'm not really expecting any. I do believe God heals, even supernaturally - but he doesn't heal everyone all the time.
Besides, counting on a supernatural healing would just put me in the danger of skipping my meds without any real proof of healing. I mean, there could be proof only months after discontinuing medication. But goodness, what if I stopped taking and wasn't healed after all? That would be disastrous. The swings come in cycles, so I may think I'm fine and dandy and all well and healed, but then an episode could ebb in anytime after, and that's that.
I know this diabetic guy who keeps on believing that God healed him, and claiming "I am healed" in faith, so he feels he has the licence to get sloppy with his health habits and porks out on sweets. But over and over again, his diabetes ends up worsening, and he's been to the hospital several times in the past few years. Because he keeps on insisting on a miraculous intervention.
So there. To simplify things, I'd rather stay on track, apply the necessary coping devices and take my prescribed drugs (when I remember to take them, hee hee), rather than believing for a supernatural healing that may or may not come. Unless I get a clear, well-confirmed, specific message from God that I have been healed (past tense), it would be wise to stay on the meds. There's no point in cutting down on my coping practices just because I'm "believing" that God can heal me. I'm not gambling my well-being. And that's a positive form of faith too. Besides, God can use doctors, modern medicine and other practical (i.e., non-supernatural) things for good. If I believe God is who He says He is, then I should also believe he can provide different avenues for what I need.
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edit: Some time after the writing of the above entry, I received a clear, unquestionable sense from God that HE has no intention of healing me, at least not for a long tine. I have no problem with that; despite the hurtful misunderstanding received from other Christians, there are actually a lot of things to like about being bipolar. Furthermore, I realize there is really nothing to heal, because I am not sick. I am convinced God fashioned me this way for a specific purpose - there are a lot of things I am capable of that "normal" people are not, and I believe God will use me in a way He can't use "normal" people.
It was also confirmed by someone else, by the way - a prophetess who neither knew me nor knew about my condition. In specific terms, the words were forget about normal; God likes the abnormal, can use the abnormal more than the normal.
I am therefore also convinced that those flakes who know me and about my condition, those who dele out their false prophecies that God will heal me, those people weren't really listening to God but were just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
