why I think it's a good idea to check my fb newsfeed only when i feel happy

today's flavor: H U N K Y  - D O R Y
anxiety : 0
agitation : 0

I know it has rather become, er, stylish for parent-aged people to rant about the potential evils of social media, but that's not what I'm about to do here.  I do appreciate Facebook for the convenience it affords me - for one thing, it makes it easy for me to keep in touch with people I normally wouldn't keep in touch with.

winter clothing

today's flavor: M O D E R A T E    D E P R E S S I O N
anxiety : 1
agitation : 1
today's unwanted guest:  fatigue and despondency

It doesn't snow here but it's cloudy outside and cloudy inside, and a wretch like me doesn't deserve to live, dammit.  I was looking forward to clearing my head enough to dream new dreams while I'm on vacation.  Sadly, every new dream I formulate gets killed by the cold, hard facts of life that are hard too ignore.  Darn the Sancho Panza in me.

vacation mode, optimized!

today's flavor: B A S E L I N E
anxiety : 1
agitation : 0

I am happy to announce that I've been happy.  Generally.  Been vacationing at my Ma's in the U.S., and despite missing the Hubby and the Bunny back home, I'm lovin' it here.  It's so nice here.  So nice.  No oversized roaches, no humid air, no noisy Karaoke-ing neighbors.  I had a bit of drama earlier about wanting to go home already, but I think I'm over it.

today's flavor: SLIGHT DYSPHORIA
anxiety : 1
agitation : 2

image mine

a staycation of sorts

today's flavor: B A S E L I N E
anxiety : 1
agitation : 0

For the past two weeks, the Hubby and I have been house-sitting for a relative, and the change in environment is really doing us well.  Speaking for myself, I'm getting more rest, and that's always welcome.  I'm getting more work done in the day too - I've consistently completed my daily To-Do lists, and have enough time left over in the evening to read and watch television.  How great is that?

At night, I've been getting restful and unbroken sleep.  No need for sleep-aids.  I love it.  I get to wake up earlier than usual and get an earlier start to my usual day.

I believe it's partly because it's much quieter here - no ostentatiously cackling chickens, no inconsiderate karaoke/Win Radio neighbors, no noisy trikes or aircraft zooming by.  And being that we are alone in this house, there are less interruptions, less contradictions.  And I can't ignore the fact that this place is not prone to dust, and that's a wonderful time-saver - no need to wash and re-wash utensils before use.  And the absence of clutter makes the environment conducive for productive thought.

I also appreciate the fact that in this house, we have use of a quiet study room.  I can think and write and work more efficiently. 

today's flavor: S L I G H T  D E P R E S S I O N
anxiety : 1
agitation : 2



I know that twirling a malfunctioning mouse about like a meteor hammer and flinging it onto the table will only make the darn thing worse, but it certainly made me feel better.

What did the mouse do to me, right? Well, what did I do to it?

It's Not About the Drugs

today's weather: B A S E L I N E / N O R M A L
anxiety : o | agitation : o


Lithium-free, nine months and counting. No major episodes and loving it.

I hope not to attract any ire for my decision to stay away from my drugs this long, but I probably will, and that's understandable. I just need to do this because Lithium has been more harmful than helpful, and I'd prefer not to experience the side effects.

I don't despise drugs; I'm not one of those flaky, overspiritual Christians who think it is wrong to trust in medicine. I do take meds, I do see doctors and do take treatment as needed - I just prefer to use them without being dependent.

Besides, what's the point of medicine that suppresses one symptom but produces others? Like if my Lithium supposedly muffles the mood swings but heightens the risk for neurotoxicity and poses dangers during pregnancy (not that I intend to be pregnant soon, but just in case it happens, right?), I think I'd like to stay away for a while. For a while.

I do plan to go back on Lithium, particularly when I work again and expose myself to various triggers. But for now that I'm mostly just chilling, I'd rather save money (thirty bucks' worth of drugs a day can really burn holes in your piggy bank, so no thank you, not right now) and save my precious brain cells.

I was talking with a friend some time ago about how good it's been without Lithium so far. Of course I do benefit from taking meds, but I find that surronding myself with loving, supportive relationships is far more helpful and beneficial. Meds are great and all, but they are not the only solution, and I don't even think they are the best.

I quite think it's an unhealthy attitude toward drugs to treat them as a cure-all - Feeling sad? Drink your meds. Feeling energetic? Take your meds. You worried about something? Take your meds. PMS? Take your meds. It's not like problems will go away if you "take your meds".

Poking around and doing research about Bipolar Mood, I learned that one of the top treatments is loving relationships. If a person for example does take his drugs but is constantly misunderstood and rejected by the people around him, a pervading sense of insecurity becomes a permanent stressor in the background of his daily life, which turns even the most minor triggers into major catastrophes. Even with the meds, there will be a lot of drama. I noticed that bipolars or depressives who tend to be heavily dependent on meds are those who don't feel very loved by their families. Often spouses or parents of bipolars could be insensitive, thus unknowingly and carelessly worsening the condition. If all they do is isolate the "crazy person", complain about his mood swings, refuse to understand him and adopt a "take your meds" mentality, it creates a whole toxic, suicidal, murderous atmosphere for the bipolar, which he ill surely act out on.

I'm not saying that all those who take meds are rejected by their families. I'm talking about those who depend heavily on drugs, those who feel like medication is their only hope. There are those of course who have good relationships but have a high-stress job or lifestyle, and need the drugs to curb the swings - but they aren't as hopeless and resigned as those who have a sense of security in their closest relationships.

The bottom line is that family and friends play an important role. If a bipolar feels safe, loved and wanted, it makes a lot of difference.

I'm fortunate that I have caring, supportive family and friends. I've cut off the toxic relationships, and stayed away from that environment which has a lot of overhanging and underlying rejection and intolerance. That did more good than the Lithium ever has. As long as I feel secure, I can handle the triggers.

goody goods

severely elevated | very elevated | moderately elevated | slightly elevated | BASELINE | slightly depressed | moderately depressed | deeply depressed | severe depressed || anx :1 | agit:0

Slightly elevated and doing fine despite almost two months Lithium-freedom. Since the day I discontinued appearing in the biggest trigger, and since I've discarded useless posers who think themselves my "friends", I've haven't really had much triggers. I'm really glad. Those were really good, right and beneficial choices to make.


Major de-stressers:

1. Leaving a corporation I neither agree with nor believe in. A very excellent decision.
2. Identifying who my real friends are and forgetting about the fake ones. This includes freezing certain people out in my Facebook account. It both releases me and them from expectations and eliminates distrust in my circle. This is very relaxing, not to mention satisfying.
   
3. An unbarred dialogue with a trusted friend.
4. Tying up some loose ends.
   
5. Doing some redesigning of my blog layouts. Quite enjoyable.
6. Playing with the bunnies.
   
7. Alone-time with the Hubby.
   

I've been having a bit more energy lately, a bit more cheeriness, and a bit more sleeplessness. I've reverted to the elevated habit of staying up all night. Like what I'm about to do now.

I'll be taking advantage of the elevation this season, not just in the sense of enjoying it, but I'll be employing it as well. I'm quite excited about a few new things at this point - which I will not yet blog on, at least not until they become tangible enough to brag about. I'm hoping things turn out remarkably well.

de-stressing distressing december

severe elev. | high elev. | moderate elev. | slight elev. | BASELINE | slight dep. | moderate dep. | deep dep. | severe dep. || anx: 1 | agit: 2

Just got back from a form of escape which I found helpful to slow things down. And dangit, I want to escape again. If I had the money, I'd do it every week.

Now that I'm back to whatever reality this is (and that, against my will), I will have to face numerous inanities and expectations associated with the commercialized, culturalized, bastardized version of the birth of Christ. I know I don't really have to, but that won't sit well with some people. But hah, as soon as January rolls in, they'd be distracted by real life as well and they'd forget my quasi-Scrooginess.

Which reminds me, I think I'd like to see that movie.

I will be ditching certain parties that I am pretty sure will rate high on the suckage meter. I'm going to choose which ones to go to, because I don't have to be at everything we've been invited to though people make me feel I do. I will not be their guilt-manipulated merry marionette. I think that's actually a good idea because I can waste my time doing something else I would actually enjoy more than putting on a mask and rubbing (filthy) elbows.

I will be skipping on the shopping and gift-giving this year. I don't want to be another victim of unnecessary stress. I already posted a note on Facebook - and I'll be posting it again soon - telling my friends that I don't mind not receiving anything this Christmas. I know that everyone's in a pinch and it would be much wiser for them to spend their money on their children or on the charity of their choice. Besides, I'd much rather NOT receive more useless trinkets and dust-catchers that senders think are good excuses for Christmas gifts.

I still will be skipping out on the lights, tinsel and trimming. Useless crap. Burns a hole in your budget and leaves your home looking all drab and lonely after they've been packed away. The only things I'll be decorating are the homes of my Facebook pets. They don't cost anything and they can be easily replaced with cheerier stuff after the holidays are over.

The Hubby and I will be hiding out on Christmas Eve. And we want it that way. I don't really care if we won't have Christmas ham and all the fancy- shmancy Noche Buena accessories. If we've got some hot chocolate, a thick blanket and each other, that'd be special enough.

blink, blink

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | stable | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx: 0, agit: 2


I am right now at a creative low, but at a productive high. I've been busier than usual and my attention is fixed on a couple of projects, so I haven't really had any time for creatives .

I had some sleep last night. No sleep at all the other night, which I spent thinking and praying and ruminating. Racing thoughts again. I almost pounced on somebody.

I've been feeling really edgy. I am once again guilty of skipping my Lithium. I think I've been off it for two weeks now. And as usual, I didn't do it on purpose. Really. I ran out of pills and I kept forgetting to buy some. The Hubby bought me a batch earlier today, so I no longer have an excuse.

I feel kinda distended. I'm so glad to be heading to the beach tomorrow. I'll be there for two days with the Hubby and the bunnies. Wish it could be two weeks. I'll be collecting myself so I can be ready to dive into more stress afterwards.

(More) Pet Therapy

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | stable | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 1 , agit : 2


I had to anticipate a possible way downward swing the other day and employ some massive coping tools. I was extremely saddened by the untimely death of a very cute bunny-friend, Butter (my brother's bunny; his favorite one too). To help with the grieving, we held a funeral service for Butter that evening. We buried him beside the basil bushes that fed him well while he lived.

I told the Hubby to watch me for the next few days as I might be to sad about it. He helped me to refocus and appreciate the bunnies that were still living.

To keep my mind away from sad thoughts, Hubby and I took bunny-friends Davey and Pepper for a walk. Or rather, the bunnies took us for a walk. They led, and we followed. This was the first time we've done this; it's not too common to see a person "walking" a bunny. Had to make sure they were comfortably well-harnessed and leashed so they wouldn't run away too far.

It was kinda fun actually. It was a bit of physical exercise too.

It provided a bit of social interaction as well. The bunnies are just too cute that passersby keep coming over and saying hi. Good antidepressant. People do some small-talk but they stay at a nice, safe distance; and they try to be polite and cute too because the presence of the bunnies seems to have this calming effect.

I'm definitely doing this again to neutralize depression, or simply to break the boredom.