today's flavor: MODERATE DEPRESSIONanxiety : 2
agitation : 1
I put off blogging on this site for the past two weeks because I didn't want to confess my depression. Particularly not after joyously declaring that things were hunky dory, my sleep was unbroken and I've been enjoying myself. Apparently (SURPRISE! SURPRISE!), I was due for a NASTY downturn, immediately after I made that last post. And here I am still, in the neighborhood of Moderate Depression.
Oh well. At least I had a few good weeks.
I know often talk about killing myself, and that I'm sure I won't actually do it. But last week, I came close to planning a suicide with so much conviction; too close, it was disconcerting. The urge to off was stronger than it has been in a while, and I felt very sure I wanted to do it. Obviously, I didn't, but that's not the point.
Being the military brat that am, I forced myself to work as I always do when I don't feel up to it. This however, turned out to be counterproductive, as I messed things up consistently last week. Not only did I fail to make my quota, but produced such poor work - one rejected work after another, with bad ratings. I wasted my time and earned myself a measly ten dollars plus a horrid backache from not having a proper computer table. Naturally, it all snowballed into a nastier depression, and I ended up ... I don't quite recall how I ended up.
So see, It's not always good to force myself to work. It's not a cop-out excuse for laziness, okay. I'm good at disregarding my own feelings and forcing myself to do things I don't want to do, I was raised military-style, and that's why I was so emotionally congested while growing up. But what I'm saying is that it's not always a good thing to "suck it up", because it can ultimately lead to disaster. Disaster, I tellz ya. If I don't feel like it, it's often better that I just stay away.
This week, with the Hubby's permission / approval, I'm taking a break from work. That will mean I won't have any cash to withdraw this weekend or the next, and I will have to use his. This break is indefinite; I'll go back to work after I've stored up enough positive vibes and self-esteem. I am also considering looking for a different job online.
I'm definitely feeling better today, albeit fatigued and ruminating and at a loss with what to do next with my life. In the meantime, I'll be enjoying my newly-bought used books.
