deflation

today's flavor: S L I G H T D E P R E S S I O N
anxiety : 1 
agitation : 1
today's unwanted guests: suicidal thawts 

I received some disheartening news and the rest of my year was suddenly deflated.  I began thinking about drinking every bottled liquid on my dressing table - the hand sanitizer, the astringent, every cologne and fancy perfume.  I imagined they would taste hellish in my mouth but that wouldn't matter for long.

Don't worry. I'm depressed but I won't really do it.

It would be easy to, though.  All I need to do is hold my breath, swallow continuously and hope  I don't gag.

Months ago the Hubby hid my craft knives and my knitting needles after I told him I ruminated on puncturing my jugular vein with any of the said sharps.  I still don't know where they are.

Let me explain that a bit:  death wish + suicide plot + accessibility of necessary tools = need for suicide watch; i.e., I must not be taken lightly and whatever I intended to use to kill myself must be hidden away (Something useful learned from the old mentor).

But dammit, even if the tools were made inaccessible, the depressed death wish combined with my innate creativity always finds other things to jam up my jugular, other ways to kill myself.  If I couldn't find my craft knives, I could always break the desk mirror and use the shards, a la Charlize Theron's character in The Devil's Advocate. If I was worried about not following through due to wincing from the pain, there was the option of drinking possibly poisonous liquids.

Don't worry.  I'm not really going to do it.