this is the recurring drama of my life

 today's flavor: BASELINE
anxiety : 0
agitation : 0

 
A mental filter installs itself  during depressive episodes. It really depends on how bad the depression is, but we bipolars tend to color things really bad during the gloomy days.

For example.  An ordinary nicety, such as:

 

... would morph into an innuendo ...

and therefore ...

 

I rarely ever say it our loud, but I think it.  This is probably the reason why I don't - or rather, won't - often purse deeper friendships with most people. Because the way they said hello seemed to me like a masked insult.

Then come murderous intentions.  The murders immediately turn inward ...

Thus begin my suicidal ruminations.

 

Here's another recurring scenario in my life:

Someone says to me, "Oh hey, you're here!"

I would think it was meant to say, "What are you doing here?"

And then, "You aren't wanted here".
"You should leave."

And I'd think, I shouldn't be here.

I want to die.

I should kill myself.

I'm not kidding.  I'm not even exaggerating.  I may have skipped a few steps in-between, but that's the thought process.  It may be too absurd to believe, but every bipolar would know what I'm talking about and agree.

It often if not always ends up with "I should kill myself" or its different variations.

This week, I had that sort of mental drama.  A day or two after I posted the last entry (in which I was at baseline), I started drifting into sadness.  I tried to fight it of course.  But it just so happened that someone said something to me that I didn't take so well .  It was a harmless response to a statement I said, but I interpreted it as a rejection.  I didn't have the presence of mind to react to it, so I stuffed it down until I headed home, and when I got to our bedroom I was paranoid and distraught over the imagined implications.

The following day, I was paranoid.  I was in bad shape -- but I had a lot of work to do, so I yanked myself together to function.  I needed to take breaks to cry - nay, bawl - because I was so disturbed about something that wasn't said.  The interesting bit is that I logically knew that there wasn't any malice in the aforementioned remark, but I was emotionally unable to process it any other way but as a rejection.  I was pathetic. 

My thoughts had turned spiteful, and I knew it was an overreaction. But I also knew I had to wait it out.  There was no point in confrontation over something I was certain didn't really happen.  I knew it was my own problem, and making a fuss about it would only make it worse.  The most amicable solution is really to wait it out, and then interact positively when I see the concerned persons again.  Play nice.  Choose love, joy, peace and happy things.

So yeah, I waited out the cycle. And today I saw the persons concerned again, and confirmed that it was no big deal.  Really no malice, no rejection of any sort intended.  It was all in my head.  And now I feel I'm the idiot -  again - to have been the malicious one.  Such a sap.

That's just the pattern.  It happens. It will happen again.  It sucks, but that's my life.  I just have to cope with it.

I took my yellow pill today, by the way.