wonder manic dysphoria powers, activate!

today's flavor: H Y P O M A N I A
anxiety : 1
agitation : 1


In the past week, I made myself some money by ghost-writing website content, travel book articles, recipes and what-not.  It's not a lot of cash, but it's extra income nonetheless.  Besides, I'm merely on starting rates right now; after I produce 30 articles with good ratings, I can begin receiving up to ten dollars for a churning out a single serving of spam short work.  Not great, but not bad.  It keeps my mind sharp and my hands productive when I'm not ministering, drawing, snapping photos, making jewelry or otherwise occupied by some leisure activity.  Oh yesss, I is a busy bee.

I'd much prefer copy-editing or content-editing to writing though.  I'm quite good at it, given my OC behavior.  Cannily it is also due to my OCB that I find writing tiring, especially creative writing. Anyway, I just applied for an online editing job, and I'm hopingpraying that I get it.  In the meantime, I shall rest for a while to study for a class I'll be teaching on Saturday. Oh yesss, I is a busy bee.

code yellow

today's flavor: S L I G H T E L E V A T I O N
anxiety : 0.5
agitation : 1


Exactly as I thought, what I called a "depression" the other day was a fluke. It was a weird, incidental occurence brought about by the allergy tabs and the painkiller + carpal tunnel relaxant. I failed to take doses for two days straight, so when I started on them again I felt the full force of their combined fringe benefits : drowsiness, listlessnes, fatigue, the despair commonly brought about by muscle pains. But I was fine the following day.

In other words, it may have felt and looked a lot like depression, but it was not.

By now I think my body's gotten adjusted to the anti-allergy + anti-nerve-twisting combination; I hardly feel any side effects anymore. Well, it's either that or the tabs I've been drinking are expired. :p I mean I begin to feel drowsiness a few hours after taking, not immediately like before. If I've gotten a good night's morning's sleep (I just remembered I don't really sleep at night, tee hee), I wouldn't feel woozy after rising. I'd have sufficient energy to complete the day, not like when I was first taking, in which I'd be cemented to the bed and I wouldn't have even bothered to get up in case the nausea turned into a full-blown upchuck.

Now that I don't feel much of the drowsiness et al, my current episode is revealing its true identity. It's really an elevation. As I am becoming less and less quieted by the Cetirizine and the Lyrica, my thoughts are beginning to chase each other. Just chasing though, no tripping over each other yet - it's but a slight elevation. Without the side effects of the current doses, it likely would not be so slight.

I'm feeling antsy again, and I've become a conversation monopolist.

As for the creative landslide that comes with every Code Yellow, the rocks have begun to trickle downhill, i.e., my mind has conceptualized several possible projects all at the same time. So far I have ideas for the following:

• A cheesy novel with unconventional but clever, non-chronological storytelling, about a girl and her coming of age
  
• A sequel to that novel in which the girl is all grown up
  
• A stylized painting
  
• A companion to that painting
• A mural
  
• Alterations to existing drawings
  
• Another crossword puzzle
• A poem
  
• A new blog layout
• Several blog entries
  
• My ArtFire store
• An alternate online store/showroom site on Blogger, because those programmers at ArtFire didn't think of making their site's interface a little more idiot-friendly
• A couple of conversations I'd like to take place
• A pair of earrings
  
• Wine glass charms
• Pesto
  
• Tomorrow's merienda
  
  

So, good luck to me. I probably won't complete all those things before the next depression arrives - which isn't so bad. I will likely forget most of them unless I make thumbnail sketches with annotations. I don't like drawing anywhere except my sketchbooks, but I am decidedly snobbing both my sketchbooks right now, so I won't be picking them up anytime soon (Why am I giving my sketchbooks the cold shoulder, you may ask? One is messy, nearly dilapidated and its contents have no organization whatsoever; it's an utter eyesore. The other has an embarassingly failed drawing that I would like very much not to see anymore. I know it's totally not their fault but I jut can't handle opening them at the moment).

And now the sleepiness is kicking in. No way!? It's not even morning yet!?

home again, home again, jiggetty-jig!

today's weather: S L I G H T E L E V A T I O N
anxiety : 1
agitation : 1


I've absented myself from the blogosphere for a month and a half, primarily because I was away at some other country and I wanted to savor my trip (The rather lengthy absence is also partially due to the difficulty of finding a good connection where we were, and the resolution to prove that I ain't no slave to my blogging habit).

Besides, it's quite consistent with myself to hardly ever post new entries whenever I feel good. So it's often a positive sign when I don't post anything new - it likely means I am pleasantly preoccupied with something I enjoy.

And enjoy myself I did. I was in a good NORMAL/BASELINE stretch with occasional symptoms of depression. The trip to Nevada and Southern California proved beneficial for me, and it successfully lifted me out of the depressive round I was scheduled to have.

Currently, I feel an elevation looming. Today I feel uncannily alert, faith-filled, cheerful and energetic - despite the pain-medication-slash-relaxant I've been taking for my impinged nerve (early carpal tunnel syndrome) that the rheumatologist assures will make me drowsy. Well I do feel slightly drowsy, but I otherwise feel great.

The Positivity Sublimation

today's weather: S L I G H T D E P R E S S I O N
anxiety : 1
agitation : 1

I have no idea if this has anything to do with the half-bag of Cheetos I consumed yesterday, or if this is all purely chemical.

I know I'm depressed today and not just sad, mainly because there's nothing to be really sad about. I know it's a depression because my energy is low, my mind is hazy, and I'm feeling quite anxious and agitated.

No fair. :( I was just getting the hang of the recent upswing.

This morning I had trouble getting out of bed again; not only was I feeling fatigued but I had a severe difficulty in finding a reason to get up.

I noticed the descent last night as I went to bed. For one thing, I felt exhausted and wanted to sleep earlier than I usually do. Indication of low energy. For another, I noticed I kept saying the words I'm tired and I don't want this anymore. I realized those are my usual depression reflex mantras. The contentment I had been feeling until the other day was fading.

I felt like I was enveloped by a heavy shroud of hopelessness. I had all of a sudden lost my purpose to live again - I know I had it just a couple of weeks ago, strong and clear. I searched my mind for it as I waited for sleep to overtake me, and found it, but it was all watered down and irrelevant. The yell of fervor in my heart at the beginning of the year had been muffled into a mousy whimper.

Darn this.

There was another obvious sign last night. I entertained the thought of slitting my jugular vein with my craft blade. I savored the idea, swished it around, let its various flavors seep in. I had just enough leftover manic courage from the previous elevation, and just enough decrease in wonder and hope due to the incoming depression. I felt like I could actually do it.

The pen-blade sat in a basket under my purse on the shelf, just a few steps away. I mulled over doing it in the morning. I would be alone with the rabbits, I think I should feed them first. I'd wear either my favorite red dress, or the lacy white one, for effect. I'd do it on the bed, feet toward the headboard. Depending on the angle of the blade, I might make a spatter on the bed or the nearby wall, like the effect in that scene in Akira Kurosawa's Ran. It would hurt, but I hope it would be quick. I wonder if the rabbits would notice. I wonder what the Hubby would do when he found me.

But I apparently didn't do it; I'm still alive right now.

Don't worry about me, I'm not really going to do it.

Paper-winged Ideas

today's weather: S L I G H T .E L E V A T I O N
anxiety : 0
agitation : 1
today's guests: paper-winged papillon ideas


I love elevations. In an elevation, I feel happy and healthy and pretty and energetic and overall positive. I feel like all things have a very good chance of going right - and if they don't, everything's still hunky-dory.

My mind keeps uncaging little ideas and possibilities, setting them free to flutter about and orbit around my head. If I don't catch them soon I lose the little lovelies. I want to catch them - no matter how trivial and irrelevant they are - and pin them into shadow-boxes for showing off, but sadly my hands are hardly ever quick enough.

There's that constant feeling of "antsiness" and discontent. If I had canvasses and paints, it would be a nice idea to mill out a few "whatever abstracts" that just happen to be outbursts of excess energy but might turn out to be something meaningful to someone else.

I mused about buying painting stuff but decided against it; it's unwise to make big purchases at this time that we're saving up for a trip.

I thought about creating new necklaces and fashion accessories but realized I still haven't recovered from my tendonitis. I could keep forcing my right hand to work, but I know I shouldn't.

I settled for drawing in my sketchbook. It didn't quite have the satisfaction of filling up a big canvass, but it was fun still. My hand movements were limited by the pain of tendonitis, so I can only make big, sweeping lines. I'm going to have to fill in the details later on when my hand is okay.

I thought about writing poetry, but I found no inspiration. The thing about elevations is that it's kinda hard to focus, and I can't seem to access the depths of my soul (During depressions though, writing poetry is as easy as giving myself a manicure).

High on Antihistamine last night, while my conscious mind was engaged in watching West Side Story, I let my subconscious write. I forced the words to flow out onto the paper as quickly as they flowed into my head, blocking out rules or logic and grammar. As I remarked how flawlessly airbrushed Tony and Maria looked, made fun of the phony "Puerto Rican" accent, and imagined how spectacular WSS would have looked on the stage, my right hand scrawled this on a sketchbook page:

if i knew how to reach it with
the tiny arms i have
and nothing but a dream
perhaps i could
even without

if it were so

and if i didn't know how far
i still might

something so beautiful
desirable
deserves a dream

wounded as my hands may be
something so absolutely wonderful
must be sought
outside the dream
i take it in my hands
and make the dream mine

Jagged and disjointed as it is, it still kinda makes sense, me thinks. A little later I'll polish this up a bit, switch the lines around and make it presentable for "sharing" (i.e., turn it into a "poem").

The process reminds me of a time when I was younger and I'd write while I was drunk or hungover. It often produced interesting verse in a pretentious style that hoped to emulate e.e. cummings.

I quite enjoy letting my mind flow like that - no thinking, no editing. It gives me a glimpse into what's really in my heart. Maybe I should do it more often, maybe have a small notebook dedicated to it. Looking at what I came up with last night, I seem to be fixated on the fulfillment of a dream.

aiya!

today's weather: S L I G H T E L E V A T I O N
anxiety : 1 | agitation : 3






It seems I'm on an upward swing. I've been reading, reading, reading and writing, writing, writing, and staying up all night just to do that. My readings are not exactly easy-reading (such as Dr. Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time; I am also re-reading J.R.R. Tolkien's The Silmarillion and The Shaping of Middle Earth), but I find them addictive and un-put-down-able. I keep having ideas of what to draw and paint and create, but never get around to drawing them because I'd rather be doing something else that doesn't take too much time and effort. And I'm so darn easily distracted and I jump from one activity to another. And I've been doing a lot of chores - I think i even enjoy it - because I obsess about the mess and the imaginary germs, and I seem to have a lot of excess energy for it. This morning i just scrubbed, wiped and towel-dried square meters of floor because the rabbit missed the litterbox. I think about sex a lot and in fact want to get some - nay, several - every day. My thoughts are racing racing racing and crashing into each other, and it comes that there is a lingering feeling of frustration and agitation. Yes, this certainly is an elevation.

... Which is weird, because I usually settle down at this time of the month and then fade in to delirious depression within a few weeks. Coming to think of it, this year's cyclical patterns are a bit off whack; I was expecting to escalate in the summer but did not (at least not so much), and spent some days in Mirkwood instead (Sheesh, I'm in Tolkien mode again. How geeky can i get?). Maybe it's the moon. Or the tides. Or both. Or the alignment of Eärendil with Carnil. Or the fact that I did not go anywhere near the beach this summer and was deprived of sun, and that really doesn't make sense.

But that isn't exactly bad, since these days episodes have never gone beyond the slight level; everything's easily manageable. Yes, ever since the uprooting from Raven Corp., it's been sheer - um, normalcy. I've lost some weight since too - which is good, because I look better.

trigger-drought, trigger-drought

severely elevated | very elevated | moderately elevated | slightly elevated | BASELINE | slightly depressed | moderately depressed | deeply depressed | severe depressed || anx :1 | agit:0

I'm really on the upswing - been really creative these days, been feeling so on edge to do something and go out and do stuff, been tempted every night not to sleep. I'm sooooooo thankful for those little blue diphenhydramine pills that effectively put me to sleep within an hour after taking.

So. Slight upswing.

While unmedicated. Dangerous ground, I know, but I want to see how long I can go without the meds.

In my unmedicated elevations in the past, I could get more annoying than a toddler with ADHD. I know I could get real excitable and excited and tactless and hurtful and violent and aggressive and intrusive. But right now I feel hunky-dory because there's been a trigger drought, hallelujah. And I say hallelujah with utmost heartfelt sincerity, I am not just using it as an expression.

Trigger-drought, trigger-drought.
I'm so happy for this trigger-drought.
I'm so glad I left the trigger-place,
I'm on my way to better days.

I've been using my extra creativity and energy on dressing up my blogs. And dressing them up again. And dressing them up again. Once I'm done with one project, I find a reason to start over. OCB right there.

Right now I have this incredible itch to start over with my Happy Thawts Blog which I have just finished making over, because I decided I don't like the menu bar and I can't find the older posts button.
I am right now restraining myself from doing it over.
And succeeding.
So far.
I made a deal with myself not to touch that Edit HTML button - at least until next Saturday.
I hope I'll be successful. Good grief.

Funny thing: Speaking of OCB, I notice that I've been entering this post in this manner:

Type phrase.
Backspace to erase.
Reconsider
Re-phrase.
Erase again.
Re-type.

Ain't I a piece of work?

de-stressing distressing december

severe elev. | high elev. | moderate elev. | slight elev. | BASELINE | slight dep. | moderate dep. | deep dep. | severe dep. || anx: 1 | agit: 2

Just got back from a form of escape which I found helpful to slow things down. And dangit, I want to escape again. If I had the money, I'd do it every week.

Now that I'm back to whatever reality this is (and that, against my will), I will have to face numerous inanities and expectations associated with the commercialized, culturalized, bastardized version of the birth of Christ. I know I don't really have to, but that won't sit well with some people. But hah, as soon as January rolls in, they'd be distracted by real life as well and they'd forget my quasi-Scrooginess.

Which reminds me, I think I'd like to see that movie.

I will be ditching certain parties that I am pretty sure will rate high on the suckage meter. I'm going to choose which ones to go to, because I don't have to be at everything we've been invited to though people make me feel I do. I will not be their guilt-manipulated merry marionette. I think that's actually a good idea because I can waste my time doing something else I would actually enjoy more than putting on a mask and rubbing (filthy) elbows.

I will be skipping on the shopping and gift-giving this year. I don't want to be another victim of unnecessary stress. I already posted a note on Facebook - and I'll be posting it again soon - telling my friends that I don't mind not receiving anything this Christmas. I know that everyone's in a pinch and it would be much wiser for them to spend their money on their children or on the charity of their choice. Besides, I'd much rather NOT receive more useless trinkets and dust-catchers that senders think are good excuses for Christmas gifts.

I still will be skipping out on the lights, tinsel and trimming. Useless crap. Burns a hole in your budget and leaves your home looking all drab and lonely after they've been packed away. The only things I'll be decorating are the homes of my Facebook pets. They don't cost anything and they can be easily replaced with cheerier stuff after the holidays are over.

The Hubby and I will be hiding out on Christmas Eve. And we want it that way. I don't really care if we won't have Christmas ham and all the fancy- shmancy Noche Buena accessories. If we've got some hot chocolate, a thick blanket and each other, that'd be special enough.

hellevation

severe elev. | high elev.| moderate elev.| slight elev. || BASELINE || slight dep.| moderate dep. | deep dep. | severe dep. || anx: 1 | agit: 1


It's back to the packed track for me. After last week's relief ops volunteer work, I busied myself this week with my little hobby of making fashion accessories. Went to "the bead street" the other day and bought me a load of fresh supplies for making a new batch of bead jewelry. A friend thought to resell my axxes at a bazaar to help raise funds for our church's building project; I acquiesced of course, since that would mean a bit of income for me too. Since the other day I've been frantically twisting and looping to make a significant amount of stuff for selling. I've been enjoying creating new wearables. Wai! Wai! Mine fingers are now pink and thick and sore, mine nails nicked and dull.

Mine brain is constantly racing forward and unable to focus; I don't quite know where it is right now. Hello, elevation. Feel so creative today. I've been forgetting to feed myself or visit the bathroom. I don't even seem to have time to think.

because a lot of other things suddenly seem so exciting

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | stable | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx: 1, agit: 1


As I am currently elevating slightly, I've busied myself with some Summer Projects and have found no time nor creativity for blogging. This week I've been training, meeting, praying, working on two sermons, polishing the program for the upcoming Summer Camp and obsessing. So as is consistent with my usual elevation, I journal less because a lot of other things suddenly seem so exciting.

I love the energy, of course. I love that I feel very positive and full of faith. I don't quite feel like I can rule the world yet, but I do have a sufficient level of confidence. I love it.

Switch, Switch

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 1 , agit : 1

There was a succession of days of slight elevation, and as I usually am when feeling that way, I was too busy to have any time for blogging. The previous week was an overly productive and exciting week due to last Friday's event. I congratulate me for faithfully taking one tab of Lithium a day, despite the temptation to skip because I wanted the high. Come Friday evening though, I was so tired and cranky that I had to resort to a yellow pill.

Hee-hee, quite a few of us were cranky from sleeplessness and overwork, so I went drug pusher again and handed out those over-the-counter happy pills.

Cheers to me for a productive past week and a successful event! Woot!

Although...

I stressed myself out too much that I got me sick. Grrr. I seem do that a lot. Still can't seem to restrain myself from overworking my body.

Now I've spent the past three days at home with depression-like symptoms. I recall Dr. C told me about that, that sickness also causes depression. Oh, sigh.

I Could Use The Excess Energy For a Busy Week

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 1 , agit : 1


Today was a busy and tiring day, but an extremely fun one. The coming week will be full of days like this - I'm helping to organize an event and I'm excited and anxious. This event means a lot - well, for me personally - since we've never done something like this before and there's this (manic) sense of making history.

I can feel the weather escalating. The signs are there.
No need for yellow pills in almost a week. That's certainly good.
Apparent need for the Li daily. May indicate something not-so-good. But as long as I'm faithful with the Li, I suppose I 'll be fine.

Yesterday, I felt like I went monster. Like I needed to be bridled emotions-wise. Too much excitement and agitation; I might have been too intense for some. That usually happens when I'm inclining toward elevation.

The busy schedule of the coming week may be a succession of triggers. I'm tempted to skip my meds; I'm thinking I could use the excess energy of a Lithium-low this week as I help plan and execute an event. Besides, the calling-down-fire kind of faith could be useful right now.

But I also know that If I do skip, things could turn ugly. I don't want to risk becoming a megalomanic, murderous idjit.

So okay. I make a choice to be faithful to the meds this week. I'll need that.

Enjoying the "Greenery"

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 0 , agit : 0


Lifting, lifting.

I can tell I've phased out of the blues - no sadness, less brooding, more energy and no need for the yellow pills. I've managed to stay away from the yellow pills for the past three days, and I haven't sunk yet. Aaah, enjoying the greenery.

I've already begun to write and blog less since the low on introspection.

I saw a bit of elevated symptoms yesterday though - fast thinking, flooding ideas, impatience, creative spurts, increased busyness and productivity (I finished working on a few Bible study lessons for our local church yesterday, as well as updating the GC website), plus anxiety and agitation.

Maybe I should change my site layout to something cheerier now? I am after all feeling creative today ... Nah, I'm not sick of this one yet.




I'll be taking a "day off" today, i.e., I won't be working on anything that requires my skills. That would be good, me thinks, in nipping the possibly elevating mania, and for relaxing, and spending time with Hubby.

We'll be having lunch at home, after which we'll be grabbing dessert out. My current food craving is frosted cupcakes; I 'm practically obsessing. We may watch a movie too, but I don't like the current selections. Really, all I'm concerned about today is eating cupcakes.

Underwater is Normal? Gurgle gurgle.

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 0 , agit : 0


Incredible. It's almost the end of another year and I haven't even begun to savor this one yet.

I usually have mixed episodes in November-December, but there's a chance that it won't be that way this year, since the trademark plunge for September and the elevation for October didn't happen as I extrapolated.

Anyway , I'd rather have mixed eps instead of depressed ones. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I did some reading again recently and noticed that some Lithium side effects are the same as depression symptoms:

• slowness of thinking, speech and movement
• lack of coordination
• feeling of numbness / dullness
• lethargy
• fatigue
• clouded thinking
• blurry vision
• muscle pain
• etc.

I started worrying that maybe I was having an overdose, but Hubby helped me discern that I was just being paranoid (snicker!). I was after all taking only one tablet every other day (Still as a precaution, I intend to take a blood test, the kind that determines thyroid conditions and such).

I also realized that I may have been confusing slight depressions with side effects of Lithium. It would feel like a slight depression, but if it comes with zero anxiety or irritability, it isn't really an episode after all. I suppose then I should slate it as normal if there's only a very slight dullness or numbness and if both anx and agit are zero, or else my records will suggest that I've been mostly depressed, which isn't quite exact.

According to my reading, it's also quite common for Lithium-takers to feel a bit slow and detached from themselves. Something like "I'm right here but my consciousness is miles away". I thought that was depression, but realize that it isn't necessarily so.

Here's how I describe what it's been like since I began to take it last year: it's been kinda like being under water, but a thin, breathable kind of water. A wee bit number, a wee bit dumber. I feel it's such a pity that I can't think as fast as I used to.

Oh well; I should just think of Lithium as a much-needed harness - without it, I could be harmful to myself and others (Think Napoleon, Hiltler and Stalin, haha!).

Glad for a lift. I hope it lasts long.

Sleepless at Seattle's Best

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 0 , agit : 0


Shoot. I realize I haven 't been sleeping much again the past few days. But I'm not at all feeling drowsy or weak or squinty . Either way, sleep-deprived can't be good. I mean, it's WAY normal and very much expected, but I shouldn't be tolerating this. At least , ideally. Whether or not I have good reason to.

Scavenging for good reasons still ...

Because I've decided to take advantage of my excess energy and read voraciously?

And that I have chosen the hours past midnight to do some meditating and ruminating (or sometimes, video-watching)? I'd like people to believe that I 've been up every night praying (ha!) but hey ...

And that the bunny-friends have learned to jump over the 3.5-foot barricade and have decided to drop by my bed every x number of minutes every night since they discovered that they can? The first few nights, I would be awakened every now and then by a soft, furry but compact THUMP on my face as a bunny-friend makes the high jump (either that or somebunny uses my arm as a scratch-post, or tries to bunch my blanket, or scurries by over my resting body) . It would be kinda like watching counting sheep that jump over the fence, but there's no real use counting the bunnies since there's only just two of them going again and again.

And that I' ve been obsessing about rearranging the bedroom, and / or obsessing about finding the perfect apartment?

And i ramble...