silver linings?

today's flavor: H U N K Y - D O  R Y 
anxiety : 0
agitation : 0

So I recently watched Silver Linings Playbook.  It's supposedly a good movie but I don't get what all the buzz is about.  I mean it's not a bad film. It just didn't leave me breathless or impressed or moved or depressed or disturbed or anything.  Maybe it's because I saw it after watching "Les Miserables", "The Hobbit" and "Life of Pi", which were all synaesthetic smorgasbords.

Another Psycho Movie

today's weather: S L I G H T D Y S P H O R I A
anxiety : 0 (the antihistamines have succeeded in softly lulling me into a pleasant silence)
agitation : 1
today's unwanted guests: the sniffles, drowsiness dues to antihistamines


Another movie about mentally interesting people.

I recently watched a Christian Bale flick from 2000 entitled American Psycho. While I do not recommend other people to watch that movie [violence, nudity, sex scenes and lots of blood], I quite liked it. I liked it - not just because Mr. Bale looked utterly gorgeous in there (though I must admit it was certainly more enjoyable to watch an absolutely attractive man in a psycho role) but because I found it a well-made movie with a clever script.

Image from here.

It's not a comedy - not even close; it's classified under suspense and/or thriller - but it really got me laughing. I had to pause it several times just to laugh out loud; there were other times I had to rewind just to see it again and laugh at it again. I suppose it's because I was in a manic dysphoria (if not a slight elevation) when I watched it. I didn't find it suspense-full at all, since there was something predictable about it. I guess it was generally thriller-ish, though my twisted mind thought several parts of it hilarious.

But I think if I had been moderately to deeply depressed, I likely would not have had the stomach to watch that movie.

Image from here.

The main character, Patrick Bateman, played by Christian Bale, is an interesting stewing-pot of psychoses. He kinda reminds me of Alex Delarge in A Clockwork Orange (Burgess' book version, not the Kubrick film version). Intelligent, cultured and narcissistic, as well as neurotic and sociopathic, with a taste for the high life, and the occasional appetite for murder.

This guy happened to date a girl played by Samantha Mathis, who was herself mentally interesting. She was dependent on Lithium and Xanax, which made me think she was supposed to be a type I bipolar. I have this thing for taking note of bipolars in movies, so I paid attention to her character as well.

I found the few minutes of her performance spot-on. The way she was drug-addled was charming, not at all stereotypically flat and zombie-ish. She was so cute. There was a scene in which she was so dulled by Lithium that she was detached from her environment; she believed Patrick Bateman when he said they were in her preferred restaurant while they really weren't, though she noticed something amiss. She sat like a drowsily pleased rag doll while Patrick told her what she was going to have for dinner. And then she leaned back as if to sleep. So cute.

That scene made me giggle because I've done something like that - particularly when very depressed, on lithium, or merely on antihistamines (I'm probably not half as prettily poised though, hee hee hee). There have even been times when at I would fall asleep in front of others - yes, at dinner; and yes, even in a restaurant. Some people thought I was narcoleptic.

I had an awww, sweet moment watching Christian Bale's character dictate to Samanta Matthis' what she was going to have, and how she was going to enjoy it. That's probably an extension - rather, an imposition - of Patrick Bateman's self-centered neurosis, but I thought it was sweet. It's not necessarily caring, but he did it so smoothly and artfully - though imposingly - it was thoughtful in that particular situation.

(I'm not saying I like being told what to do - because I don't. But I think it's really nice when the Hubby takes charge especially when I can't function. I must state: It's not something I appreciate when done by other people).

I don't know how to end this, so I'll just end it by saying Christian Bale was so gorgeous in that movie.

I Like Watching Movies About Disturbed People

today's weather: S L I G H T D Y S P H O R I A
anxiety : 1
agitation : 2


I like watching movies about disturbed people. A couple of years ago, someone gave me the idea to watch movies like those, identify with the characters and laugh at them. Well, I don't really think it's right to laugh at them, but I get to appreciate something about psychosis.

Movies have a way of making an unfavorable mental state look mysterious, intriguing and dramatic, sometimes even romantic. While I generally dislike how media has helped to sculpt a distorted image (usually negative) of psychological conditions, I quite enjoy watching actors and directors take a crazy person and turn him into a subject of art, skew reality and make people believe it.

Just last night I watched Black Swan. It was weird, but - Bravo, director Darren Aronofsky. Natalie Portman was spectacular in there too as Nina the schizophrenic(?) ballerina.

The other day I watched Donnie Darko. I still didn't get it. I Googled for an explanation but every "explanation" seemed to be stretching it. I don't know what writer/ director Richard Kelly was going for, but I though Jake Gyllenhaal was successfully creepy.

In a little while, I'll be seeing Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange. Ah, Alex Delarge, one of my favorite antiheroes.


Some other "troubled person" performances I've enjoyed:

• Penelope Cruz as passionate, artistic Maria Elena in Vicky Cristina Barcelona. It wasn't stated, but it seemed pretty clear that Maria Elena is bipolar. I think Penelope got an award for that one. Or was it just a nomination? Either way, it means she was good.
• Anthony Hopkins as the sociopathic Hannibal Lecter. Iconic.
  
• Nicole Kidman as bipolar writer Virginia Woolf in The Hours. Not too flashy, but excellent.
  
• Angelina Jolie as a beautiful sociopath in Girl, Interrupted. Brittany Murphy and Wynonah Ryder were alright in there too.
  
• Sienna Miller as Nikki in Alfie. Really cute with bipolar characteristics.
• Jack Nicholson as a psychopath in The Shining (Epic!), in Batman as the Joker and as an obsessive-compulsive romantic in As Good As It Gets.
  
• And speaking of Batman, I loved Heath Ledger's Joker in The Dark Knight too.
  
• Vincent D'Onofrio as Pvt. Pyle in Full Metal Jacket.
• Johnny Depp as Sweeney Todd.
• Chiaki Kuriyama as a cute, sociopathic Japanese schoolgirl, Gogo Yubari in Kill Bill. So cute.
  
• Russel Crowe as a schizophrenic in A Beautiful Mind.
• Christian Bale as a neurotic, obsessive schizo in The Machinist.
  
• That guy in Perfume: The Story of a Murderer. Another sociopath.
  
• Brad Pitt as a schizophrenic in 12 Monkeys and a personality fragment in Fight Club.
• Leonardo DiCaprio with a conglomerate of neuroses in The Aviator.
  
• Edward Norton in Primal Fear, American History X, Fight Club, Hulk, and just about any movie he does. He really good. And he seems to go for characters with psychoses.
  
  

Some that I didn't like:

• Gwyneth Paltrow in Sylvia. She really turned a colorful character like Sylvia Plath into Sylvia Blah.
• Jim Carrey in The Number 23. His acting was good, but through watching that thriller, I couldn't help thinking he'd suddenly pull a comedic stunt.
• Halle Berry in Gothika. I dunno. Maybe it's because it's a crappy movie.

Anyway, I'm off to watch now.

Maria Elena (Part 2)

today's weather: S L I G H T D E P R E S S I O N
anxiety : 1 | agitation : 1

It's been a while since I saw that character in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, but thoughts of Maria Elena sill haunt me.

Most people will likely find her repulsive and disgusting - a raving lunatic - scary and worth shaking a head and chuckling about. But I like her, and wish that I appeared at least half as interesting to other people.


Mostly because I see swatches of myself in her - more specifically the young, adventurous self I knew many years ago - and I kinda miss those sides of me. I don't mean her doped-up irresponsibility or the sexual promiscuity though. Just the more-or-less admirable parts.

I used to paint, you know. I used to make visually intriguing images that could send shivers down someone's spine (I'm not exaggerating; to give an example, there was one picture I drew that made a psych grad student pale and tremble visibly). I can't seem to find it in myself to do so anymore, since both the responsible-adult and the Christianese programming in my head deduce that provocative art is unbecoming of a sensible Christian adult female.

I used to be passionate and unrestrained, fearless. And I miss that. I feel like a huge part of me died - and not in a good way - when I decided I had to grow up. I miss being openly artistic and different, i.e., in common language, weird. I miss being brave enough to not care what others thought. The unpredictable behavior would make me a handful, maybe even a bitch. But with or without it, people already think I'm a bitch anyway, so why bother behaving?

I still dream about having our own home, in which I set up a studio of sorts. I want to return to the core of my being. I'm supposed to be an artist, supposed to be unconventional, supposed to be me.

And if I were to choose between (a) my trying-to-be-a-responsible-grownup self, and (b) the Maria Elena side of me often perceived as bordering on lunacy, I'd choose (b). Between (a) normal and respectable, or (b) scary, shocking and somewhat requires an acquired taste, I'd still choose (b). Between (a) boring, and (b) living with violent mood swings, I'd still choose (b).

Maria Elena

today's weather: S L I G H T .D E P R E S S I O N
anxiety : 1 | agitation : 1
unwanted guests: unbelievable fatigue and ennui

Image nicked from here.

Juan Antonio: You're too damaged.
Maria Elena: And you love that.

A few days ago I watched Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Not exactly the sort of film to make essays about, but the artist in me enjoyed it. I fell in love with Penelope Cruz' character, Maria Elena.

Maria Elena was a passionate, artistic genius with violent mood swings and suicidal and murderous tendencies. I'm not anywhere as close as sexy as she is, but the "damaged" kind of person she portrays is very familiar territory for me. I was drawn not because of her vixen-ness, but mostly for her unrestrained, unapologetic, very bipolar nature.

I enjoyed watching her work her canvass. I was amused by the way her insidiousness (supposedly) reflected in her art. I almost applauded at those non-sequitur quarrelfests she had with her ex-husband Juan Antonio. I liked how Juan Antonio referred to her attempted suicide as if it were a regular occurrence.

Very beautiful creature. Scary but beautiful. I love her.

I Party

severe elev. | high elev. | moderate elev. | slight elev. | BASELINE | slight dep. | moderate dep. | deep dep. | severe dep. || anx: 0 | agit: 2

Bipolar people sometimes party and other times they may just be plain depressed. It is quite daunting for us bipolar people when we arrive back home or end up in a friends house after a night of hardcore partying. Not only have we spent incredible amounts of money but we have been in places and done things that we may regret later on. The manic frenzy is an incredible one and we all enjoy it at these times. However medication is designed to control such desires.

Bipolar people like to party hard and it is difficult to become just normal like average Joe. Indeed we can't party every night but when we do, I believe it is important that we allow some more time to recover. After a night out we wont necessarily be depressed but we must be prepared.

Quoted from this blog. Text-styling mine.

Bipolars are party animals. When they're high, they're high and like to springboard into greater elevations. But when the after-party low hits, it's a down-low low.

I keep thinking of the Nikki character played by Sienna Miller in the movie Alfie (2004, starring Jude law .. by the way, it's Jude Law's birthday today, December 29).

Photos from this blog.Photos from Flickr.

I love her. Nutty Nikki. "Damaged," as Alfie said. I really think she's bipolar; it wasn't quite stated but I can't ignore the context clues: Mood swings. Daring, shocking and embarrassing behavior. Flamboyant fashion. Addiction. Un-subtle flirting and crazy sexual activity. Creative manic business. A dependent neediness. Medication she sometimes thinks she doesn't need. And the wild partying. That's familiar territory for me.

Contrary to what a lot of people perceive about me, i like parties. Maybe even love them. I crave parties. It's just that I've been ditching most of the "church people parties" because they often suck, i.e., they aren't the kind of parties I want to be at. So church people think I'm not the party type. The thing is, I'm not the lame-o party type. I'd really rather be home with a good book than waste my time with parlor games, "blessing" conversations, and potluck - er, potbless.

Just to get things straight: I don't seek to get wasted okay? I don't even intend to do anything crazy or questionable. But I do always wish there was some sort of rush and not just tame fun. I still believe there could be clean - emphasis on the CLEAN - fun that would be exhilarating for a bipolar bear like myself.

As a pre-medicated and pre-Christianized young adult, I've had my share of waking up hungover and remorseful of having done something repulsive or STOOPId the night before. I hated the guilt and the embarrassment, but I loved the un-safe craziness. I was proud of it. I constantly had an appetite for it.

And here I am now, medicated and indoctrinated, and though I don't even feel old, I've had to make do with the "safe" party scene. Have whatever clean fun I can have. Then get all depressed afterward for not having the fun that I want.

The blogger went on to say,

It is important that we enjoy life as a whole rather than just the manic moments. As long as we can feel emotions we will be alright ... Be hopeful, you will be okay.

This, by the way, was written by someone who does not trust the drugs and does not take any.

I try to suck all I can from a high while I'm in it, knowing that a low would be just around the corner. And for all its wretched misery, I find something I appreciate about the depressions. Like a bipolar friend of mine once said, it's better to feel extremes from time to time than feeling nothing.

And now to prepare for another party tonight ...

Tomorrow night I'll be getting together with some non-church friends. Haven't seen them in a decade. I'm curious about how the night will turn out. Don't worry; I'm very, positively, certainly sure that I won't be doing any alcohol or anything questionable. I just hope to have some rush kind of fun.

"The Hours"

severe elev. | high elev. | moderate elev. | slight elev. | BASELINE | slight dep. | moderate dep. | deep dep. | severe dep. || anx: 0 | agit: 0

I re-watched the movie, The Hours, a story about the novelist, Virginia Woolf and her work Mrs. Dalloway. Although i've seen this before, it still resonated with a certain truth. Woolf was a bipolar, and I really very much relate with how her torment was described as encapsulated in the dialogues.

Luckily i was able to find a transcript of the conversations (no doubt typed out by a dedicated movie fan).

Below is the exchange between Virginia and her husband, Leonard. It kinda sounds like a recurring converstaion between me and the Hubby.

Perhaps you could tell me exactly what you think you are doing?
What I was doing?
I went to look for you and you weren't there.
You were working in the garden,
I didn't wish to disturb you.
You disturb me when you disappear!
I didn't disappear. I went for a walk. 
- A walk? Is that all? Just a walk...
Virginia, we must go home now,
Nelly is cooking dinner...
She's already had a difficult day.
It's just our obligation to eat Nelly's dinner.

There's no such obligation. No such obligation exists!
Virginia, you have an obligation
to your sanity.

I've endured this custody!Endured this imprisonment. 

- Oh, Virginia!

I am attended by doctors.
Everywhere I'm attended by doctors
who inform me of my own interests!

They know your interests. 
- They do not! They do not speak for
my interests. 
Virginia, I can...
I can see that it must be hard  for a woman of your...

Of what? 
Of my what exactly? 

- Of your talent to see that she must not be
the best judge of her own condition!

Who then is a better judge?

You have a history...
You have a history of confinement.
We brought you to Richmond because you may have fits,
moods, blackouts, hearing voices...
We brought you here to save you from the
inevitable damage you intended upon yourself!
You tried to kill yourself twice! 
I live daily with that threat.
We set up...
we set up  the printing press not just for...
itself...not just purely for itself,
but so that you might have a ready
source of absorption and a remedy! 

I need to work.
It was done for you!
It was done for your betterment! It was done out of love!
If I didn't know you better  I would call this ingratitude!

Am I ungrateful? You call me ungrateful! 
My life has been
stolen from me.
I am living in a town I have  no wish to live in.
I am living...
a life I have no wish to live.
How did this happen? It is time for us to move
back to London. I miss London. I miss London life.

This is not you speaking, Virginia.
This is an aspect of your illness...

It's me, it is my voice!

Not you... 

It's mine, mine only...

It's a voice you hear. 

It is not! It is mine.
I am dying in this town.

If you were thinking clearly, Virginia.
You'd recall it was London that brought you low.

If I were thinking clearly?
If I were thinking clearly... 

- We brought you to Richmond to give you peace.

If I were thinking clearly, Leonard,
I would tell you that I wrestle alone
...in the dark, in the deep dark and that only
I can know... 
only I can understand my own condition.
You live with the threat, you tell me. 
You live with the threat of my extinction.
Leonard, I live with it too.
This is my right. It is the right of
every human being.
I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of these
suburbs...
but the violent jîlt of the capital,
that is my choice!
The meanest patient, just even the very lowest,
is allowed some say
in the matter of her own prescription,
thereby she defines her humanity. 
I wish, for your sake, Leonard,
that I were happy in this quietness
but if it is choice between Richmond and death...
I choose death.

Very well, London then. We go back to London.

-------------------------------

A conversation between Virginia's characters, Clarissa and the unstable Richard. Clarissa finds Richard posed by an open window.

What the hell is going on here?! Richard!
What are you doing here? You're early!
What is going on... what are you doing? 
-I had this wonderful idea...
I needed some light! I needed to let in some light!

Richard, what are you doing?

I had this fantastic notion.
I combined my madness and my magic
to solve the riddle...
until finding the coincidences.

Richard...
Don't come near me!
It seemed to me I needed to let in some light.
What do you think?
I cleared away all the windows.

Alright, Richard, do me one simple favor...
Come, come sit!

I don't think I can make it to the party tonight.

You don't have to go to the party...
you don't have to do anything you don't wanna do.
You can do as you like!

But 
I still have to face
the hours,
don't I?
I mean the hours after the party...
and the hours after them.

You do have good days still,you know you do!

Not really.It's kind of you to say so, but...
it's not really true.

Are they here?

Who?

The voices.

Oh, the voices are always here.

And it's the voices  you're hearing now, isn't it?

No, no, no, no... 
Mrs. Dalloway, it's you. I've stayed alive for you...
but now you have to let me go.

----------------------------------

Virginia's suicide note.

Dearest,
I feel certain, that I'm going mad again.
I think we can't go through another of these
terrible times
and I shan't recover this time.
I begin to hear voices and can't concentrate.
So I'm doing what seems the best thing to do.
You have given me the greatest possible happiness.
You have been in every way all that anyone could be.
I know that I'm spoiling your life and 
without me you could work,
and you will.
I know. You see I can't even write this properly.
What I want to say is that
I owe all the happiness of my life to you.
You have been entirely patient with me
and incredibly good.
Everything is gone for me,
but the certainty of your goodness.
I can't go on spoiling your life
any longer.
I don't think two people could have been
happier than we have been.
Virignia.

Dear Leonard...
to look life in the face, always...
to look life in the face... and to know it...
for what it is...at last to know it...
to love it... for what it is... and then...
to put it away.
Leonard...
always the years between us...
always the years...
always the love...
always the hours...