severe elev. | high elev.| moderate elev.| slight elev. || BASELINE || slight dep.| moderate dep. | deep dep. | severe dep. || anx: 0 | agit: 1
I'm getting further depressed and getting further depressed and further depressed because of my lack of sense of purpose. I'm not talking about my sense of
significance - i do feel significant to certain people and in certain areas.
I lost my sense of purpose. I'm not so sure why I should still be alive anymore.
I need more than a preoccupation.
I need an occupation. I want one. A real one. I'm just very hesitant to take one because I don't want to get a job just for the sake of getting one. I want one that will add value to me as a person, and not one that just keeps triggering me. I know it sounds convenient to work from home, but it feels to similar to bumming around and I don't think it works for me.
Of course I'm thinking of other possible jobs, but nothing comes to mind. I'm too high-risk and high-maintenance.
Having bipolar disorder leaves you nothing but chances of uncontrollable emotions anytime. If you are at work and your boss does not know about it, it can break or mend your job. But most likely, it can remove you from the post.
Not everyone understands bipolar disorder, unless you [make them]. And not all jobs accept employees with bipolar.
Clearly, suffering from a bipolar disorder can largely affect your work and even the people around you. Nobody wants that to happen, not even you. So how can you prevent this from happening? Well, simply by looking for jobs that are bipolar-resistant. It is never easy to find jobs that are truly resistant to the disease, because there will always be a room for revealing your behavior problems.
Got this from this article.
I'm in a pickle. And it's not just some imagined emo thing. It's a real, actual problem experienced by bipolars everywhere. There's an immediate discrimination upon finding out, and there is a want of understanding when kept secret. People pretty much want to control - uncaringly so - what they refuse to understand.
Anyway. I acknowledge that there are coping mechanisms and practical tips that can be useful, maybe even helpful, but nothing assures a hundred percent effectiveness or course.
How to find a bipolar-safe job
From an article by Madeleine Kelly
Consider the following:
- What am I good at? What do I like doing? Some people make a career out of an interest. Jot down some ideas.
- What ideas do others have? You could ask a mentor, a senior relative, a former supervisor who treated your illness fairly. Take their ideas and put them in the mix—your decision will be based on lots of ideas, not just one piece of advice.
- Will my new plans allow me to make enough money? How much is enough?
- How many hours a week can I manage? This is important if you are just coming out of a crisis.
- Decide how much challenge you want or boredom you can tolerate. Too much of either could trigger an episode.
- What industries are likely to be tolerant? Surprisingly, the health and human services sector can be among the most discriminatory towards their staff. Try to find out what the organization culture is like before you go for an interview.
Discriminatory employers. That's just one of my fears. I bet they're everywhere.
A bout of bipolar disorder, when it happens at work, often means you have to find a new job. Employers typically don’t know or care about bipolar disorder and jump to the conclusion that you were just behaving badly. Luckily there are strategies that will help prevent job loss...
When bipolar disorder hits at work, it all hits the fan. A public display of excess emotion or over-the-top behavior is usually seen as unacceptable. There goes your reputation as a good worker, several fair-weather friends, perhaps pay for the time you’re off work. And then when you’re ready to return, the boss sacks you. You have lost a job, and you might lose an entire career if word gets around your industry quickly.
From the same source
That's pretty much what I feel happened in my previous job. I liked doing what i did but there were certain conditions that were unfavorable. It by nature was a high-stress occupation, but very rewarding, despite the overwork and underpay, and it went well with my sense of purpose. Stress is a given factor in every workplace, and i had my ways of managing stress, and it would have worked out for me. But I was unfortunate enough to work under a sadistic manager and an antagonistic executive. Miss Sadistic went the extra mile of weaving intrigue; Madam Antagonistic preached love and tolerance that she didn't practice. The stress mounted and compounded with the antagonism, and i felt trapped - which made things worse. Aside from being misunderstood, no one chose to extend the understanding, relationships and tolerance our industry supposedly valued (
"we are not an organizatio, but an organism," we used to say). I believe I was a victim of nasty office politics - a conversation with the Big Boss revealed that both Miss Sadistic and Madam Antagonistic put in some unfounded, malicious statements about me; the big boss trusted them so much and wrongly so, that he did not bother to investigate, neither did he bother to hear what I said. He told me, I quote, "I don't care why". I was advised to resign because i was told that they were concerned about my health, but i don't buy that. It was more likely that they wanted me out because that was the easier way for them to handle things (the Big Boss after all said to me I was not a person to be understood but a problem to be solved. So much for the "values" that prove to be all just nice-sounding theory). I mean, if they really were concerned as they said they were, they would have allowed me to take a leave instead of asking me to resign. Besides, if they really were concerned, they would have checked on how i was doing afterward (Miss Antagonistic was especially cruel. She still sought to control me and succeeded in making me feel rejected and unwanted, a mockery of the love and service she supposedly stood for).
I will repeat what I've said before, and I will insist on it.
I did not have a breakdown. That was not a classic meltdown.
I did not burn out. I had a depressive episode that was stoked to severe levels because of the unnecessary stress. Unnecessary stress mainly from Miss Sadistic and Madam Antagonistic.
It is not true that "that was not the job for me", as other people suppose. The conditions were just unfavorable and made even more and more unbearable.
I will not "get better" (in the sense that Bipolar doesn't have a cure), and depressive episodes WILL happen again.I still think of going back sometimes. It seems more likeable now that Miss Sadistic and Madam Antagonistic have been asked to resign themselves - the former because of unscrupulous practices, the latter due to fatigue (now
she burned out) - I
schadenfreude in calling that
reaping. The former Boss was promoted and so there's now a new one. I imagine it could be a workable arrangement now, but I don't fit anywhere anymore as my positions (yes, plural) have already been taken over by other individuals, and i just don't see where i can fit now. Besides that, I wonder if anyone will be willing to understand, now that rumors have gone around that I went crazy and I was confined in an institution - neither of which happened.
I know this is such a vain, selfish, painfully hopeful thing to think, but I've been wronged, stolen from and gossipped about, and I still desire my vindication. And my promotion.
today's flavor: D E E P ( I S H ) D E P R E S S I O N
