If I Were

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | stable| slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 1 , agit : 1


Still yo-yo-ing along the scale.

Here I am at the almost-end of another year. Knowing myself to be the organized, goal-setting, dream-spinning individual that I am (or rather, used to be), this should be around the time when I should be considering new goals for the following year. But being that I am in my current mental muck and mire (I don't mean the condition, but the situation), I feel the need to copy + paste what I said last year: Nothing new. Maintenance mode. Just stay alive. Strive to survive.

Truthfully, I'd much rather be dead than alive right now.

Oh, don't worry; I'm not going to kill myself (I may just think about it over and over, but i won;t actually do it, you know).

This isn't just an emo phase either; for that matter, I hate emo shiz.

It's just that life has been / is / forever will be too challenging, and I 'd very much prefer to push the restart button. Existence is easy, but life - a real life of quality - is frustratingly elusive [and a long explanation should go here, but I'd rather not elaborate right now].

And as for the dream-spinning... I suppose it hasn't happened in a while, ever since the kind goody Lithium slowed my spindle down (Glub, glub, glub; I'm underwater today) and I'm left with but the threadbare rags of yesteryears.

My visits to The Dreaming (my supposedly favorite place) haven't been very pleasant lately - it feels like window-shopping without having any money on the way. Morpheus is a serpent-evil denizen of darkness who pimps his little whores as professional teases.

But like i said. Whee, I'm keeping myself alive. Still believing - though not hoping - that better days and the best ones are still to come.

A note to my readers: Please do not, I repeat , DO NOT send me any notes of encouragement, consolation, sympathy or anything of the sort; because they do nothing good. If ever , they just foul up my spirits even more and I end up wanting to murder you rather than thank you. Please. No "You can do it", "Trust the Lord" or other cliches I find so awfully empty. If you want to pray for me, go ahead without telling me so I don't feel like a hopeless charity case, dear Brethren Better-Than-I. Don't tell me that you understand, because I'm willing to bet that you don't. But don't send me any hate-mail or messages of apathy or contempt either. At that, I'd prefer that you just say nothing because words can be so cheap and vapid. Show it; don't say it .