the evils of lithium

today's flavor: H U N K Y - D O R Y  
anxiety : 0
agitation : 0

I'm not sure how long it's been since I last took "The Prescrption".  I think it's been a little over two years, probably three.  The other night I imagined having to answer people's questions as to why I stopped taking the meds, so I reviewed my possible answers.  I decided to write the answers I came up with, and surprisingly, I came up with more than I imagined I would.  

no need for happy yellow pills

today's flavor: B A S E L I N E
anxiety : 0
agitation : 0

So this is weird.  I didn't even need to take a happy yellow pill today.  I'm not even sad today.  Maybe just a little sluggish, but otherwise I'm fine.  So this is a good sign. 

I haven't taken those mood-boosters in a while.  I hadn't downed them during my recent depressive cycle because I often woke up at noon, and if I took them too late in the day that might mean trouble sleeping at night. I have about two boxes stashed, and I just hope they don't all go to waste.  Most of them expire next year yet anyway.

I'll see them again in the next downward episode.

On an unrelated note, I wish I had the means to take a trip to Singapore.  I've never been, and friends have been telling me how lovely it is. I've been intrigued since second grade, when there was a Singaporean girl in my class and she told me about her home, and how you could go to the top of the tallest building and see the whole country (that's what she said).  But right now I really, urgently want to go there, because there are two exhibits right now that I sooo want to see: (1) Art from the Musee D'Orsay, including paintings by Van Gogh, and (2) the Titanic artifacts at the Lightspace Museum.  Sigh.  I especially want to see the Van Goghs.  Another sigh. Can't afford, can't do.  Sigh.

My Own Personal Detox Program

today's weather: S L I G H T . E L E V A T I O N
anxiety : 1
agitation : 1

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional. I claim no authority on the subject and speak only for myself. I strongly advise against basing your life decisions on my opinions. You have a brain, use it.

It was about this time last year that I had a surgery to have my impacted tooth removed. It was also about this time last year that I had to discontinue taking the Lithium since it interacts negatively with most pain relievers, and I could not submit myself to surgery without any sort of pain reliever. I hadn't taken Lithium since, and I'm feeling better than ever.

I imagine this will draw the disapproval of legalistic by-the-book sort of people. If you're one of those, just keep it to yourself; I don't want to hear it (or read it), and I will refute everything you have to say anyway, so don't bother.

I know that meds are supposed to be good, they are supposed to be helpful, but medical professionals never tell you about the negative side effects. Two years of taking Lithium has actually been more harmful to me than helpful, and I have no plans of taking it again unless it is absolutely necessary (i.e., when my stress levels threaten to spin out of control- but that can easily be avoided).

Here are the "benefits" that Lithium gave me:

• It actually did nothing for the mood swings. All it did was just dull my fervor a little, but the mood swings and emotions were still there. It was generally useless.
  
• It helped to quiet my mind somewhat, but it did not take away the anxiety and irritability.
• Because it muted my ability to perceive emotional pain a bit, it also muted my conscience. I felt no compulsion to repent of anything or forgive anyone. That's not good for a devoted Christian.
• It made it difficult to connect with God or hear from Him. It was not very enjoyable to worship or pray.
• It dulled my creativity. I happen to be an naturally artistic sort of individual; creativity is very important to me. With Lithium I had no artistic ability at all. I could not write poetry. My sketchbook rotted. I could not feel music the way I used to.
  
• It dulled my perceptions and my ability to form opinions. It slowed my thinking.
  
• It made me feel so far away from myself, like feeling trapped underwater.
• It gave me a stigma of one who is "medicated", thus made me feel far away from everyone else. That's not good at all.
• Lithium interacts with some 600 or so substances, including caffeine, calcium and all sorts of pain killers, so it put a lot of restrictions on me.
• It made me stupider. I used to have an eidetic memory and a very quick, sharp mind. The change was drastic, so I can't attribute it to "growing older". Though I'm still what most people would consider intelligent, I no longer have the same ability to retain large amounts of new information. I read it's a side effect of taking Lithium with NSAIDs, something the doctor never warned me about but said "It's okay". But no, it's not okay. It causes damage to cognitive functions, and I have reason to believe that's what happened.
• It made me less interested in amorous activities, and generally uninterested in sex. This is very harmful to a marriage.
• It made it so much easier to gain weight. Bummer.
  
• It gave me constant headaches, migraines and ringing in my ears. That's not much of a life.
  

I'm not willing to be a slave to all that all over again just for the sake of being "stable" (which is a big misnomer and misconception, by the way). Lithium does not produce desirable effects.

I used to think that bipolars who ditched their medication were wrong to do so, but now I get it.

I've said it before and I'll say it over and over again: good, loving an understanding relationships are vital, and in my opinion, more effective for me. I'm not a medical professional, so you are free not to take my word for it. I have also found that taking meds is counterproductive against bipolarity if there is no one around to give love and support.

And in my experience, coping activities + God + avoiding the triggers been more effective than Lithium in curbing elevation / depression. One year Lithium free, and I have never had an unmanageable problem since we adjusted our lifestyle.

My Own Version of Moloko Plus

today's weather: S L I G H T. D Y S P H O R I A
anxiety : 1 | agitation : 2
today's unwanted guests: creative spurt, extra energy with a feeling of fatigue (weird, huh?), voices and noises and presences. dammit.

For the past three nights I've capped the day with iced rum mocha. Plus 100mg of Diphenhydramine to help make me sleep (One little capsule does't work on me anymore so I popped two). My own mild version of Moloko plus.

Alex and his Moloko Plus. Pic from here.

Last night though I rethought my new night ritual because I was on the wrong edge of edgy for a few hours after drinking. My doctor will kill me when she hears about my experimental cocktail, if ingesting it doesn't kill me first. Racing heartbeat, excess energy, mild tremors, an urge to scream and laugh and run and fall down. My minor hallucinations were having minor hallucinations. I imagine would be the sensation behind Alex Delarge's tolchok sprees.

That's what happens to me when I mix stimulants with relaxants. I think my high school Health teacher taught us about this; no wonder. It reminds me of a time three years ago when I drank Red Bull while doped up on Unisom (althought last night's trip was not at all as extreme nor fun). Or this time back in college when ... uh, okay, never mind.

I felt so creatively inspired yesterday so I was tempted to skip sleep again. Swimming around in my head were design ideas and various matters of concern; I had to force them out of the pool so it could be cleaned for use the next day. Skipping sleep isn't good - that's why I took the Diphenhydramine.

I have no excuse for the rum mocha though, save for a sweet tooth. Maybe tonight I should just stick with a carton of ice cream.

A More Healthful Sleep-aid Alternative?

today's weather: B A S E L I N E
anxiety : 0 | agitation : 0

I had a severe craving for sweets last night and we unfortunately are not in the habit of storing snackables. I was too wound-down to run outside to grab something, so I resolved to be creative with what was available. I made a mental list of possible ingredients in the kitchen cupboards - sugar, honey, evaporated milk, vanilla extract. I thought of making butterscotch syrup but realized we were out of butter.

I remembered we had a lot of cocoa powder and a few sachets of instant coffee. Hmmm. I then instantly craved a mug of hot chocolate. Or perhaps a glass of iced mocha. Excellent idea. I mulled over it for several minutes before I finally decided to make some.

Why the extralong mulling, you may ask? While a cup of cocoa or mocha is definitely a good quencher for a nighttime sweet-tooth - and a relatively easy one to make too - my main problem was that the chocolate and/or caffeine would surely keep me awake for several more hours. And I didn't want that. Especially since I didn't sleep at all the night before. I could take my sleep-inducers, but I know from experience that my sleep meds are no match to stimulants taken so late in the day.

Suddenly I had an inspiration: I'm aware that a bottle of rum sits in the cupboard. My dad sometimes adds rum to his special-occasion baked chicken recipe so we often have a bottle handy.

I thought it would be a great idea to go irish. Why not? The relaxant would nullify the stimulant; it would give an extra flavor kick too. Wonderful. So I made me some mocha frappe with a drop of rum. Really yum. I had two extra-large glasses. And true enough, the caffeine didn't overpower the Benadryl, and I had no problem falling asleep that night.

Which led me to another bright idea. As I washed the day off me, I considered the probability that a shot of red wine before bedtime is a more healthful sleep-aid than my usual pill-cocktail.

Drinking a small amount of red wine daily has health benefits.

Meanwhile, taking a large amount of pills every night (which I am currently doing) has side effects. It will even eventually take the toll on the liver (a fact I have been starkly aware of lately and obsessing over, since my father-in-law recently lost his battle with liver cancer).

I know that this would probably seem like an excuse to be alcoholic - especially considering I am bipolar and therefore addiction prone - but I have a good amount of discipline and self-control, plus a husband who will not likely allow anything remotely resembling an addiction.

Besides. It's not like our income can afford an addiction to something so not-cheap. *Snicker*

So anyway. Yeah. Why not? Red wine instead of my usual bedtime concoction of drowse-inducing pills. I imagine a lot of narrow-minded conservative Christians (who believe drinking any form of alcohol is sinful) would shake their heads at this. Heck. I am already dependent on drugs and sleep aids; how much more "immoral" would it be if I relied on a bit of antioxidant-rich, heart-beneficial red wine?

It's Not About the Drugs

today's weather: B A S E L I N E / N O R M A L
anxiety : o | agitation : o


Lithium-free, nine months and counting. No major episodes and loving it.

I hope not to attract any ire for my decision to stay away from my drugs this long, but I probably will, and that's understandable. I just need to do this because Lithium has been more harmful than helpful, and I'd prefer not to experience the side effects.

I don't despise drugs; I'm not one of those flaky, overspiritual Christians who think it is wrong to trust in medicine. I do take meds, I do see doctors and do take treatment as needed - I just prefer to use them without being dependent.

Besides, what's the point of medicine that suppresses one symptom but produces others? Like if my Lithium supposedly muffles the mood swings but heightens the risk for neurotoxicity and poses dangers during pregnancy (not that I intend to be pregnant soon, but just in case it happens, right?), I think I'd like to stay away for a while. For a while.

I do plan to go back on Lithium, particularly when I work again and expose myself to various triggers. But for now that I'm mostly just chilling, I'd rather save money (thirty bucks' worth of drugs a day can really burn holes in your piggy bank, so no thank you, not right now) and save my precious brain cells.

I was talking with a friend some time ago about how good it's been without Lithium so far. Of course I do benefit from taking meds, but I find that surronding myself with loving, supportive relationships is far more helpful and beneficial. Meds are great and all, but they are not the only solution, and I don't even think they are the best.

I quite think it's an unhealthy attitude toward drugs to treat them as a cure-all - Feeling sad? Drink your meds. Feeling energetic? Take your meds. You worried about something? Take your meds. PMS? Take your meds. It's not like problems will go away if you "take your meds".

Poking around and doing research about Bipolar Mood, I learned that one of the top treatments is loving relationships. If a person for example does take his drugs but is constantly misunderstood and rejected by the people around him, a pervading sense of insecurity becomes a permanent stressor in the background of his daily life, which turns even the most minor triggers into major catastrophes. Even with the meds, there will be a lot of drama. I noticed that bipolars or depressives who tend to be heavily dependent on meds are those who don't feel very loved by their families. Often spouses or parents of bipolars could be insensitive, thus unknowingly and carelessly worsening the condition. If all they do is isolate the "crazy person", complain about his mood swings, refuse to understand him and adopt a "take your meds" mentality, it creates a whole toxic, suicidal, murderous atmosphere for the bipolar, which he ill surely act out on.

I'm not saying that all those who take meds are rejected by their families. I'm talking about those who depend heavily on drugs, those who feel like medication is their only hope. There are those of course who have good relationships but have a high-stress job or lifestyle, and need the drugs to curb the swings - but they aren't as hopeless and resigned as those who have a sense of security in their closest relationships.

The bottom line is that family and friends play an important role. If a bipolar feels safe, loved and wanted, it makes a lot of difference.

I'm fortunate that I have caring, supportive family and friends. I've cut off the toxic relationships, and stayed away from that environment which has a lot of overhanging and underlying rejection and intolerance. That did more good than the Lithium ever has. As long as I feel secure, I can handle the triggers.

goody goods

severely elevated | very elevated | moderately elevated | slightly elevated | BASELINE | slightly depressed | moderately depressed | deeply depressed | severe depressed || anx :1 | agit:0

Slightly elevated and doing fine despite almost two months Lithium-freedom. Since the day I discontinued appearing in the biggest trigger, and since I've discarded useless posers who think themselves my "friends", I've haven't really had much triggers. I'm really glad. Those were really good, right and beneficial choices to make.


Major de-stressers:

1. Leaving a corporation I neither agree with nor believe in. A very excellent decision.
2. Identifying who my real friends are and forgetting about the fake ones. This includes freezing certain people out in my Facebook account. It both releases me and them from expectations and eliminates distrust in my circle. This is very relaxing, not to mention satisfying.
   
3. An unbarred dialogue with a trusted friend.
4. Tying up some loose ends.
   
5. Doing some redesigning of my blog layouts. Quite enjoyable.
6. Playing with the bunnies.
   
7. Alone-time with the Hubby.
   

I've been having a bit more energy lately, a bit more cheeriness, and a bit more sleeplessness. I've reverted to the elevated habit of staying up all night. Like what I'm about to do now.

I'll be taking advantage of the elevation this season, not just in the sense of enjoying it, but I'll be employing it as well. I'm quite excited about a few new things at this point - which I will not yet blog on, at least not until they become tangible enough to brag about. I'm hoping things turn out remarkably well.

summer bummer

severely elevated | very elevated | moderately elevated | slightly elevated | BASELINE | slightly depressed | moderately depressed | deeply depressed | severe depressed || anx : 0 | agit: 0

I started taking sleep-aid capsules again. This particular brand isn't friends with Lithium Carbonate, so it's good that I've been off Li for the past month. I think I need the sleep aids more than the Lithium right now. I already spent one entire night not sleeping, and I don't want another one.

It's around this time of the year that I escalate, so I'm going to have to watch it. I don't have any exciting or challenging activities lined up this summer (not anymore, sob sob, I miss you GenChurch), so that means triggers are likely to be kept to a manageable minimal-to-moderate.

Coming to think of it, it might just be a boring summer this year, now that the youth ministry days are over. Bummer. Now that gets me down.

lith-less, and so far so good

severely elevated | very elevated | moderately elevated | slightly elevated | BASELINE | slightly depressed | moderately depressed | deeply depressed | severe depressed || anxious : 0 | agitated: 1

Still not putting myself back on Lithium. It's been a month now I think. I'll push this as far as I can go. I really want to ditch this "underwater feeling" - that supposedly manageable state that is neither comfortable nor normal, but feels like a headache without the pain.

I'll start taking Li again when I get too murderous or phobic. I don't have to reach that place. I think won't, as long as I can stay away from as much triggers and as possible and manage the stressors. Wishful thinking? Yeah, I know. But I just want to give it a try. I don't want to be a dumbed-down drug dependent for the rest of my life.

I've been successful so far. I've been in a bit of dysphoria these days. What I do is I tell the Hubby about any feeling pertaining to depression or elevation as soon as I identify it, i.e., "I am feeling sad," "This excites me," - just that simple. If he knows I'm sad, we'll do something to cheer me up, and so on. It makes me feel safer for him to know - even if he wouldn't necessarily know what to do if I swung to extremes.

I think I'm able to think clearer and faster now. I think, okay.

The downside of skipping Li is that I often feel extremely anxious and agitated. I've yelled at the Hubby several times these past few (my bad, yeah, just shoot me). I obsess obsess obsess obsess about things and it's driving me to more anxiety.

Another is that the voices and noises are getting noisier. More about that later. I have to sleep now.

it's intentional this time

severely elevated | very elevated | moderately elevated | slightly elevated | BASELINE | slightly depressed | moderately depressed | deeply depressed | severe depressed || anx: 1 | agit: 1

I haven't been counting, but it's been a few weeks since I last took Lithium. It's intentional this time. So far so good. I am slightly depressed, quite agitated but otherwise good. I think the ringing in my ears has stopped.

Several hundred substances have nasty interactions with Lithium. Since I'm off it now, I can enjoy coffee and cola and tea again. I'm thinking even of slimming tea, hee hee, so I can maybe lose the weight I put on (weight gain is a Lithium side effect).

Getting to sleep won't be a problem since I have some of those handy-dandy sleep tabs. I couldn't take them with Lithium, and now they're safe again.

NSAIDs will be safe now too, and so will the allergy meds.

Dr. C will probably kill me for this, but I'm hoping this will be good.

Remove Trigger, Paste Placebo Here

severe elev. | high elev. | moderate elev. | slight elev. | BASELINE (good) | slight dep. | moderate dep. | deep dep. | severe dep. || anx: 0 | agit: )

I think it's a little over two or three weeks that I haven't been taking my Lithium, and I've been good so far. I had to stop taking it because I had an impacted wisdom tooth surgically removed. Most if not all Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drugs (NSAIDs) have harmful interactions with Lithium, and I needed to take pain medication after a surgery.

Days after I stopped taking the pain meds, I still haven't gone back on Lithium. Aside from the fact that I've exhausted my supply, the Hubby and I decided to experiment a bit. You'll see in a while.

The meds are good. Not great, but they help some way. There are a lot of side effects of course (like the nausea and the ringing in my ears, which have become more common these days). Generally I describe the feeling as being "under water" or "in a bubble".

The thing about the Lithium is that it not only suppresses the emotions, but it dulls creativity. It also inhibits mental skill and focus somewhat. So while I'm medicated, I find that I'm not as inspired, artistic or creative as I used to be. I'm still very talented, but I'm just not inspired. I also feel dumber because I find it hard to focus. I also noticed that since I've been taking, I find it hard to retain new information; I've always had a great memory and a sharp mind, but not anymore (I know it's not just because of "growing old" because the change was too drastic). I'm also less decisive these days, less engaged and prolly generally more boring. Those are really side effects of Lithium, the doctor says.

I'm actually quite luckier than others when it comes to side effects. Others have tremors, vomiting, intestinal problems, weight gain, blurred vision. So far, I haven't had those - I think (My vision is not blurred but I do find it to be cloudy sometimes).

Still, taking Lithium has its merits. I'm less impulsive, less intrusive, less tactless, less destructive, less loud, less offensive. The mood swings are still there, but they don't go too extreme. Doctor C says I could play it by ear and see if I need two tabs a day instead of one. That would mean more of the side effects of course, so i decided maybe not.

I'm sure I can manage without the meds. I have been a bipolar from childhood and have managed 30 years without medication for it of any sort. Sure it's been a very rough ride, but I actually accept and love that I'm a unique-weird-crazy-artist type.

BUT, if I have to be in a Christian ministry, other people expect a certain kind of behavior. Nice, good church people generally can't take "unpredictable," "depressed", "expressive", "fiery", "opinionated", "nonconventional" or "weird". Especially not from a woman, not from a minister, and especially not from someone who is married to a highandholy pastor.

But well, the Hubby has resigned, so that at least means less expectations of me in the future, and a lot less pressure.

Lately I heard from a bipolar I know. She has now discontinued her meds entirely because she feels they are making her worse. I get what she means, because I feel that sometimes. She also happens to be a Christian and is now relying on the Holy Spirit - so far so good, I was told.

I believe I can actually manage without the meds as long as I have a safe environment and effective stress management. Actually, the best treatment is loving, supportive relationships, and I have some of that. If I have all those plus the Holy Spirit, I should be fine.

But here's the thing: I spend a lot of time at church, right? I like church, it has been a big part of my life, I enjoy ministry, I have a lot of meaningful relationships there. It's just that there have been too many triggers there. Church has in fact become the biggest, the worst trigger. I constantly feel under attack because people have often had something negative to say about me - from the clothes I wear, to the company I keep, to my involvement in ministry, to the contents of my Facebook albums to the kind of person they think I am. It's absurd, and unnecessarily so. There has been too much criticism, and it has come to a fever-pitch that I would much rather do without.

Not many know that I am bipolar, and it's not something I would like to share openly because that would create even more "concerns". No one understands the situation that the Hubby and I have to face every freaking day, and I can't make everyone understand. Those who do know about the bipolarity don't really care - instead of being helpful they find it easier to point out that it's my problem, or accuse me of things I didn't intend or even consider. At the most they pray /poke / preach but don't really bother to do anything much else - i.m.h.o, that's more harmful than helpful. What people see is that I am not a typical, well-behaved "shiny happy pastor's wife", and they succeed at making me feel like a pariah /a problem / an annoyance /an embarrassment / an appendix. And no, it's not just all in my head because people have actually told me to my face. It has thus become extremely difficult for me manage the anger and depression.

My agoraphobia has worsened to the point that I often have to be dragged to church, a lot of which with much whinging and crying. But I can't just stay home because the nasty thawts will brood and worsen; besides that, I am also autophobic. My paranoia has become so bad that every time the Hubby comes home, I fear that we will be discussing another complaint about me brought up at the pastors' meeting (yes, that has happened).

It's also been exponentially difficult for me because I aimed to be a full-time minister myself, I was (and still am) certainly assured that that's what God wants me to do. I gave up the life I wanted just to pursue that, and I am now hopelessly frustrated that it never happened for me, and it never can anymore. I've been considered a liability due to the mood swings and have thus been disqualified from pretty much every area I am able at. I've been told that the rest of the church has to be "protected" (like I were some monster out to get them, like i were not part of the church myself) . So every time I go to church, I see my Hubby, our other batchmates, and even people I have trained or discipled - I see them preach, in leadership positions (some of which I used to hold), or otherwise in some part of ministry I hoped to be part of. Every single time I am in their company, I am reminded by my failure. I always feel like a failure in that place. And then I feel helpless because I KNOW for sure that God was the one who placed that desire in my heart, I am convinced that is still what He wants me to do, He still reminds me of it, and I still want to do it so bad, but my church won't give me a chance. I have for a long time felt trapped, like being forced to love someone that hates and hurts me.

The bottom line is that church - the place where I'm supposed to go for encouragement, consolation, counsel and comfort, the place that has for so long become a huge part of my life - has stopped being a safe place for me. Every time I go there, it is extremely difficult to smile, I can't worship. I can't find it in me to celebrate with them, I can't find it in me to fellowship with people, because I feel rejected and cursed in that blessed family of believers. People then see me agitated /sad /upset/ unwilling/ whatever, and they automatically peg that as a flaw in my character, have something to complain about me. They just don't know that they are the reason I've been agitated /sad /upset/ unwilling/ whatever . They don't like what they see, so people (even those I don't know) dislike me, and I just keep feeling worse.

You might think it's just my paranoia. I don't disagree with you. But it has happened, and it can happen again. The point is no one is doing much to dispel the paranoia; instead many do a lot to feed it.

That's partly why the Hubby had to resign - but that is not something we can easily share with others. I shouldn't force myself to be someone I'm not - especially not for people I don't even know. I can't keep up with people's expectations anymore, and if I keep going at this I will eventually be pressured enough to have to really kill myself.

Our home church is a good church, by the way. I actually think it's one of the best in the city. But it's unequipped and narrow-minded toward "people like me". (Of course people with psychoses and mental dysfunctions are accepted [in fact there are a lot of them in our church], but there has not been any effective ministry for them [er, us] so far, and people like those are generally viewed by the crowd as annoyances). So on top of the Hubby's resignation, we asked permission from our Senior Pastor if we could check out the ministries in other churches. Being an open-minded, Spirit-dependent sort, He said OK, and suggested a particular church he heard had a group designed for bipolars. But lemme just stress that we have no plans of transferring to another congregation - yet. We just need to have our needs met somehow.

I'm looking forward to receiving ministry from other churches. Now that the Hubby isn't "tied" to the staff, it's not unethical to seek outside sources, and he will have time to check out other ministries on weekends. That makes me feel better because I have options now, not so trapped anymore. It gives me hope.

I look forward to a major overhaul in our life. This decision of ours will open more possibilities for us in several aspects, and for me especially.

I look forward to being part of a local body that is more open-minded toward real 21st century people where it is more-or-less safe to be a broken individual, a safe place that can meet a bit more of my specific needs.

I hope also that I can stay stable enough to stay off my meds - even if not entirely off, maybe for long periods of time at least. Aside from money saved, I hope for my focus and creativity. Now that the biggest trigger in my life can be avoided, it might just be hunky-dory enough for me.

Li is my friend today

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | stable | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx: 0, agit: 0


I decided to be a good girl and ditch the nasty emotions - as much as I am able anyway. I choose love and joy and peace and good-feeling things. And though I can't really feel those things thoroughly at the times that I should, I just choose to believe in them because I need to.

More significant is the fact that I started bothering about my Lithium again. Note: I didn't really consciously, purposely stop taking it; I just happened to not care for a while and only took my meds when I remembered to (which turned out to be, uh, once a week for the past few weeks) while I enjoyed the increased productivity and energy that came with a manic episode. But since last week's head-biting incidents (plural), I got more stressed than I should have and decided that I wouldn't want anything like that to happen again. Besides, I don't want to risk relationships for productivity.

Lithium is my friend today. I like what it's doing for me these days.

I'm so happy 'cause today I found my friends (they're in my head) ... Yeah, yeah, yeah - eah.

This Might Be Why the Meds are Important (I Think)

severe elevation|high elevation|moderate elevation|slight elevation|stable|slight depression|moderate depression|deep depression|severe depression||anx: 2, agit: 3


In the past two weeks - I didn't really do that on purpose - I've taken only about two Lithium tabs. It's not so bad, I think. I kinda feel like I've been able to peer out from under the water a bit. And I've successfully deceived myself that I don't need the meds.

Oh, I know I need them. I just don't want to bother with them anymore.

Maybe I could just wait until things get really bad? Hee hee.

I kinda like it a bit. I think I've been thinking clearer. I'm hearing from God better and I'm seeing full-color mental pictures again (which has gotten a bit dull since the Lithium). I'm getting a bit more feeling.

But maybe I' m getting a bit too much feeling. I feel seemingly sore and touchy and everything is a big deal.

It's just that my imagination is getting a bit too loud. It's not so bad in the sense that it's really easy to logically sort things out [my logical reasoning is intact], but and it's tough to block the noise out and it's kinda impairing me. If I go another two weeks without the Lithium, chances are I'd be hallucinating like I was on the wrong kind of drugs.

Okay, okay. I'll be good and pick up the pill jar tonight.

Shall I Hope For A Supernatural Healing?

today's flavor: STABLE
anxiety: 0
agitatedness: 0


Enjoying a few days of normal. By normal I mean little to no symptoms of elevation or depresssion, with little to no anxiety or irritability, but still having that slight submerged-underwater dullness. Whoopee-doo.

I just came from Sunday church; we had a mini healing service this morning during worship. I muse about coming forward for prayers for healing from BMD, but never go. I'm pretty willing to live with the fact that this is the sort of thing that has no cure, and I'm not really expecting any. I do believe God heals, even supernaturally - but he doesn't heal everyone all the time.

Besides, counting on a supernatural healing would just put me in the danger of skipping my meds without any real proof of healing. I mean, there could be proof only months after discontinuing medication. But goodness, what if I stopped taking and wasn't healed after all? That would be disastrous. The swings come in cycles, so I may think I'm fine and dandy and all well and healed, but then an episode could ebb in anytime after, and that's that.

I know this diabetic guy who keeps on believing that God healed him, and claiming "I am healed" in faith, so he feels he has the licence to get sloppy with his health habits and porks out on sweets. But over and over again, his diabetes ends up worsening, and he's been to the hospital several times in the past few years. Because he keeps on insisting on a miraculous intervention.

So there. To simplify things, I'd rather stay on track, apply the necessary coping devices and take my prescribed drugs (when I remember to take them, hee hee), rather than believing for a supernatural healing that may or may not come. Unless I get a clear, well-confirmed, specific message from God that I have been healed (past tense), it would be wise to stay on the meds. There's no point in cutting down on my coping practices just because I'm "believing" that God can heal me. I'm not gambling my well-being. And that's a positive form of faith too. Besides, God can use doctors, modern medicine and other practical (i.e., non-supernatural) things for good. If I believe God is who He says He is, then I should also believe he can provide different avenues for what I need.

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edit:  Some time after the writing of the above entry, I received a clear, unquestionable sense from God that HE has no intention of healing me, at least not for a long tine.  I have no problem with that; despite the hurtful misunderstanding received from other Christians, there are actually a lot of things to like about being bipolar.  Furthermore, I realize there is really nothing to heal, because I am not sick. I am convinced God fashioned me this way for a specific purpose - there are a lot of things I am capable of that "normal" people are not, and I believe God will use me in a way He can't use "normal" people.

It was also confirmed by someone else, by the way - a prophetess who neither knew me nor knew about my condition.  In specific terms, the words were forget about normal; God likes the abnormal, can use the abnormal more than the normal.

I am therefore also convinced that those flakes who know me and about my condition, those who dele out their false prophecies that God will heal me, those people weren't really listening to God but were just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.

Bam-bam-bam-bam, Buh-bam-bam-bam-bam; I Wanna Be Sedated

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 1 , agit : 1

The previously mentioned depressive symptoms didn't last long; as soon as my flu went away, I was back on the elevated path.

Flippit, I've really got to find more synonyms to nip at unnecessary redundundundundundancy.

Anyway, the weekend was a happy, healthy salad of productive meetings, ministry, worship, cake and birthday gifts. And the essence of manslaughter. Don't ask.

I haven't been sleeping well for over a week now; I suppose that is the cause of my monster headaches. I'd stay up for most of after-midnight reading or pondering with quasi-theoretician jargon the difference between "probable" and "possible", or "rational" and "logical" or "flammable" and "inflammable". Or "bunny" and "rabbit".

Shoot. Me.

And, OMG, I just realized I'd skipped the Lithium the past two days.
[sfx: screamo music]

My formerly-trusty sedatives have ceased to be reliable. Perhaps they've sat too long in my medicine cabinet since I took them last? Or maybe I've developed an immunity, or am just especially elevated these days? I tried the shiny, blue, gel-filled, over-the-counter capsule - the one that used to be capable of knocking me out within thirty minutes and holding me in a stupor until late afternoon the following day. But no luck. I resorted to the ever-handy-dandy antihistamine. Still no luck.

Tonight, I shall try take two antihistamine tabs. If I remember to, that is.

If that still doesn't work, I may have to ask the doctor for another high-security prescription for those special, sure-knockout drugs legally classified as "dangerous". No-joke dangerous. Let me explain, I mean, in the way I see it:

Level 0: Normal ---------------------- Melatonin tablets, 3.0 mg (natural supplement; OTC)
Level 1: Slight restlessness --------- Melatonin, 6mg or "Sleep Doctor" (natural supplement; OTC)
Level 2: Difficulty in sleeping ------- Antihistamine, 50 mg (OTC drug)
Level 3: Hyperactivity at night ------ Antihistamine, 100 mg
Level 4: Consecutive hyper nights -- OTC Sleeping pills
Level 5: No need for sleep ----------- "Dangerous Drugs"

* OTC: over-the-counter


The first and so-far-last time I was given a prescription for Level 5, the E.R. doctor had to interview me until he was really sure I needed those drugs (i.e., I was already crying in frustration). He had to secure a prescription pad from another department in the hospital. The said pad had a stern warning at its header with the phrase dangerous drugs in it somewhere, and had to be filled in triplicate. Before he handed my copy to me, he explained the gravity of the prescription and the legal implications. He instructed me to strictly adhere with the stated dosage and administration, and made me swear to destroy the prescription paper after the drugs have been bought. Pretty cool, huh?

I'd really love to ramble on some more, but I need to lay this headache down.

Switch, Switch

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 1 , agit : 1

There was a succession of days of slight elevation, and as I usually am when feeling that way, I was too busy to have any time for blogging. The previous week was an overly productive and exciting week due to last Friday's event. I congratulate me for faithfully taking one tab of Lithium a day, despite the temptation to skip because I wanted the high. Come Friday evening though, I was so tired and cranky that I had to resort to a yellow pill.

Hee-hee, quite a few of us were cranky from sleeplessness and overwork, so I went drug pusher again and handed out those over-the-counter happy pills.

Cheers to me for a productive past week and a successful event! Woot!

Although...

I stressed myself out too much that I got me sick. Grrr. I seem do that a lot. Still can't seem to restrain myself from overworking my body.

Now I've spent the past three days at home with depression-like symptoms. I recall Dr. C told me about that, that sickness also causes depression. Oh, sigh.

I Could Use The Excess Energy For a Busy Week

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 1 , agit : 1


Today was a busy and tiring day, but an extremely fun one. The coming week will be full of days like this - I'm helping to organize an event and I'm excited and anxious. This event means a lot - well, for me personally - since we've never done something like this before and there's this (manic) sense of making history.

I can feel the weather escalating. The signs are there.
No need for yellow pills in almost a week. That's certainly good.
Apparent need for the Li daily. May indicate something not-so-good. But as long as I'm faithful with the Li, I suppose I 'll be fine.

Yesterday, I felt like I went monster. Like I needed to be bridled emotions-wise. Too much excitement and agitation; I might have been too intense for some. That usually happens when I'm inclining toward elevation.

The busy schedule of the coming week may be a succession of triggers. I'm tempted to skip my meds; I'm thinking I could use the excess energy of a Lithium-low this week as I help plan and execute an event. Besides, the calling-down-fire kind of faith could be useful right now.

But I also know that If I do skip, things could turn ugly. I don't want to risk becoming a megalomanic, murderous idjit.

So okay. I make a choice to be faithful to the meds this week. I'll need that.

I made strawberry pancakes this morning and scalloped potatoes this afterneen

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 0 , agit : 0


Upped the Li to one tab every single day now, as necessary. I can get through a day hunky-dorily as long as there are few-to-no triggers and / or stimuli. Things are rather fine and dandy except for an manageable amount of anxiety and agitation.

Contemplating less, writing less . Reading faster. Wanting to take advantage of the energy. Aching to go out more. Wanting to go to the beach (in September?!)

I habitually contemplate having ready access to one great cosmic eraser. Due to the excess in energy and enthusiasm, I happen to do and say things without much thought - pretty much like hitting the "publish" button without choosing the "edit" option. Thus my mind uses a whole chunk of its energy wishing I didn't do certain things I did the previous day. I muse about the Cosmic Eraser coming upon my summoning to rub out the recent past's stupidity.

Either that or I think about that Beatles song about happiness - the one that says happiness is a warm gun - and how it relates. Go figure what I've been thinking. The thing with most Beatles songs are their lyrics are too poetic and abstract that they can mean anything you want them to. In fact, I have a theory that for every situation in a person's life, there is a corresponding (or rather, correspond-able) Beatles song.

I made strawberry pancakes this morning and scalloped potatoes this afterneen . I realized I haven't cooked in a while. It felt nice to . I must be happy today .

big boo boo

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 2 , agit : 2


I realized just the other day that i should have been doing research regarding my meds' contraindications. The reason that I hadn't bothered was because I supposed that my doctor would have warned me about anything detrimental or fatal.

I took her word - or rather, her lack of it - as she gave me the prescription for Lithium (a staple for BMD) a year ago. I reasoned for myself that after all, Lithium is supposedly naturally-occurring in the human organism, so she probably didn't have to warn me much except to adhere strictly to the prescribed dosage. I'm pretty sure that I told her about the other stuff I was taking - mostly just supplements of other naturally-occurring elements in the body such as melatonin, iron and calcium. There were things that I'd take whenever necessary, such as antihistamines or decongestants or pain-killers.

I don't quite remember why I was inspired to make a Google search on the contraindications of Lithium, but I'm glad I did the other day.

Anyway, to make the long story short, there are certain things I need to stay away from, such as certain decongestants and certain pain-killers (like ibuprofen and the thing that I usually take for my monthly-curse cramps) since they aren't really friends with Lithium. And those Calcium supplements - well, Calcium pretty much lowers Lithium. And I'm glad I didn't take my pastor's advice to ask for antidepressants; most antidepressants plus Lithium equals fatal.

One thing I'm particularly concerned about is that I've read that Lithium should not be taken by people with kidney disease since some of its side effects are dehydration and overworking the kidneys. Well, I don't have kidney disease, but I've had a history of infection that makes me prone to. So I have to make like a fish and drink a lake daily, to prevent both re-infection and dehydration. I definitely have to stay away from cola, coffee and tea.

Another concern is that as I looked up the side effects of Lithium, I noticed that some of which are similar to the symptoms of depression, such as fatigue, listlessness, clumsiness and low energy. It could be that those side effects trigger or worsen my depression.

Anyway, I'm glad I haven't taken or done anything extremely harmful while on Lithium. And thank God for Google which makes accessing info so simple.