I've been reading about social anxiety (from various sources, so it's quite tedious and not to mention useless to put my links here) and I am glad to once again find an accurate definition of what I experience.
Social Anxiety DisorderIt's quite common with bipolars too.
An abnormal avoidance or aversion for social situations or situations that involve interaction with other people, which actually stems from the fear of being evaluated or judged.
This can be a general anxiety toward all social situations, or a more specific one that is triggered by particular situations.
My nifty paraphrase.
Thinking about it, I see it comes mostly during the episodes, and more severely during depression. Since it's natural for most children to have social anxiety, so I'm not even factoring in my childhood experiences here.
Social anxiety is also known as a social phobia, though in my case it's more of an anxiety than a phobia, because I experience being anxious and agitated though not necessarily being afraid. It's more of the specific kind involving particular situations, more than the general kind of social anxiety. Lemme explain:
- I am not the least bit shy or timid, although i am often perceived as such. In fact, I am intrusive and showy. It's just that I am antisocial at certain times. I'm not afraid of crowds or new people, but I get rattled about the possibility of being misevaluated or misunderstood, so I find it easier to withdraw than mingle. Sometimes I am genuinely disinterested, so just don't bother.
- I don't have a fear of crowds and I actually enjoy public speaking, but there is still the irrational fear of being evaluated. I know that I am a good communicator and have good chances of getting my message across without buckling, but I am afraid of people's judgment.
- There have been numerous times when I do not feel afraid at all, but experience an (embarassing) uncontrollable slight trembling , tongue-twisting and jaw locking, and even more often dizziness or headaches that feel like I am about to faint. I've experienced this while teaching class, preaching at youth church, or simply during a private conversation in which I've said something or done it in a manner that i fear may have been displeasing to the person/s I was talking to.
- I like meeting new people, but thinking about what they could possible think of me makes me extremely uncomfortable. Out of good manners and habit, I make it a point to give a handshake and make good eye contact, though I must admit it's hard to maintain and I often find my eyes wandering. When i happen to be with the Hubby, I can count on his ever-sanguine personality to man the show, and when I am feeling particularly anxious I don't mind if he does - in this way I am totally dependent. But I do absolutely mind his attention-grabbing behavior when I am feeling relaxed and chatty.
- I don't mind being the center of attention at a party, a small group or any large gathering where no one knows me. But I would, for example prefer not to go to parties at my father's side of the family (because they all tent to talk condescendingly), or skip events at church (because people there expect a certain kind of behavior from me which I always seem to fail at). I can't ditch all the time, so knowing that I have to go, leaving the house has a prelude of talking about my anxiety and crying.
- I'm not afraid of talking with bigshots or authority figures. In fact, some people find my boldness to be almost impolite, (EDIT 030510: In fact, I have brazenly shaken hands and brainlessly chatted with Presidentiable Gibo Teodoro, Twice.) I'm not afraid or overly polite with older people like a lot of Filipinos are; in fact a lot of my friends are way older, as in more than ten years older. But when I am feeling particularly depressed, it's hard to make eye contact or make my voice heard, whether I'd be talking to an authority figure or a familiar friend.
I kinda think that maybe due to recent events, my social anxiety has snowballed. I'm not anxious all the time, I can't even say that I am more frequently, but the symptoms have been more severe lately.
Social anxiety disorder has easy cognitive treatment - which I think isn't the kind I really need, because I already applying all those suggested steps. What I need is some soul-healing that will assure me that no matter what people think or say about me, I am one radically amazing individual. I need affirmation, not instruction - and absolutely not criticism.
