Remove Trigger, Paste Placebo Here

severe elev. | high elev. | moderate elev. | slight elev. | BASELINE (good) | slight dep. | moderate dep. | deep dep. | severe dep. || anx: 0 | agit: )

I think it's a little over two or three weeks that I haven't been taking my Lithium, and I've been good so far. I had to stop taking it because I had an impacted wisdom tooth surgically removed. Most if not all Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drugs (NSAIDs) have harmful interactions with Lithium, and I needed to take pain medication after a surgery.

Days after I stopped taking the pain meds, I still haven't gone back on Lithium. Aside from the fact that I've exhausted my supply, the Hubby and I decided to experiment a bit. You'll see in a while.

The meds are good. Not great, but they help some way. There are a lot of side effects of course (like the nausea and the ringing in my ears, which have become more common these days). Generally I describe the feeling as being "under water" or "in a bubble".

The thing about the Lithium is that it not only suppresses the emotions, but it dulls creativity. It also inhibits mental skill and focus somewhat. So while I'm medicated, I find that I'm not as inspired, artistic or creative as I used to be. I'm still very talented, but I'm just not inspired. I also feel dumber because I find it hard to focus. I also noticed that since I've been taking, I find it hard to retain new information; I've always had a great memory and a sharp mind, but not anymore (I know it's not just because of "growing old" because the change was too drastic). I'm also less decisive these days, less engaged and prolly generally more boring. Those are really side effects of Lithium, the doctor says.

I'm actually quite luckier than others when it comes to side effects. Others have tremors, vomiting, intestinal problems, weight gain, blurred vision. So far, I haven't had those - I think (My vision is not blurred but I do find it to be cloudy sometimes).

Still, taking Lithium has its merits. I'm less impulsive, less intrusive, less tactless, less destructive, less loud, less offensive. The mood swings are still there, but they don't go too extreme. Doctor C says I could play it by ear and see if I need two tabs a day instead of one. That would mean more of the side effects of course, so i decided maybe not.

I'm sure I can manage without the meds. I have been a bipolar from childhood and have managed 30 years without medication for it of any sort. Sure it's been a very rough ride, but I actually accept and love that I'm a unique-weird-crazy-artist type.

BUT, if I have to be in a Christian ministry, other people expect a certain kind of behavior. Nice, good church people generally can't take "unpredictable," "depressed", "expressive", "fiery", "opinionated", "nonconventional" or "weird". Especially not from a woman, not from a minister, and especially not from someone who is married to a highandholy pastor.

But well, the Hubby has resigned, so that at least means less expectations of me in the future, and a lot less pressure.

Lately I heard from a bipolar I know. She has now discontinued her meds entirely because she feels they are making her worse. I get what she means, because I feel that sometimes. She also happens to be a Christian and is now relying on the Holy Spirit - so far so good, I was told.

I believe I can actually manage without the meds as long as I have a safe environment and effective stress management. Actually, the best treatment is loving, supportive relationships, and I have some of that. If I have all those plus the Holy Spirit, I should be fine.

But here's the thing: I spend a lot of time at church, right? I like church, it has been a big part of my life, I enjoy ministry, I have a lot of meaningful relationships there. It's just that there have been too many triggers there. Church has in fact become the biggest, the worst trigger. I constantly feel under attack because people have often had something negative to say about me - from the clothes I wear, to the company I keep, to my involvement in ministry, to the contents of my Facebook albums to the kind of person they think I am. It's absurd, and unnecessarily so. There has been too much criticism, and it has come to a fever-pitch that I would much rather do without.

Not many know that I am bipolar, and it's not something I would like to share openly because that would create even more "concerns". No one understands the situation that the Hubby and I have to face every freaking day, and I can't make everyone understand. Those who do know about the bipolarity don't really care - instead of being helpful they find it easier to point out that it's my problem, or accuse me of things I didn't intend or even consider. At the most they pray /poke / preach but don't really bother to do anything much else - i.m.h.o, that's more harmful than helpful. What people see is that I am not a typical, well-behaved "shiny happy pastor's wife", and they succeed at making me feel like a pariah /a problem / an annoyance /an embarrassment / an appendix. And no, it's not just all in my head because people have actually told me to my face. It has thus become extremely difficult for me manage the anger and depression.

My agoraphobia has worsened to the point that I often have to be dragged to church, a lot of which with much whinging and crying. But I can't just stay home because the nasty thawts will brood and worsen; besides that, I am also autophobic. My paranoia has become so bad that every time the Hubby comes home, I fear that we will be discussing another complaint about me brought up at the pastors' meeting (yes, that has happened).

It's also been exponentially difficult for me because I aimed to be a full-time minister myself, I was (and still am) certainly assured that that's what God wants me to do. I gave up the life I wanted just to pursue that, and I am now hopelessly frustrated that it never happened for me, and it never can anymore. I've been considered a liability due to the mood swings and have thus been disqualified from pretty much every area I am able at. I've been told that the rest of the church has to be "protected" (like I were some monster out to get them, like i were not part of the church myself) . So every time I go to church, I see my Hubby, our other batchmates, and even people I have trained or discipled - I see them preach, in leadership positions (some of which I used to hold), or otherwise in some part of ministry I hoped to be part of. Every single time I am in their company, I am reminded by my failure. I always feel like a failure in that place. And then I feel helpless because I KNOW for sure that God was the one who placed that desire in my heart, I am convinced that is still what He wants me to do, He still reminds me of it, and I still want to do it so bad, but my church won't give me a chance. I have for a long time felt trapped, like being forced to love someone that hates and hurts me.

The bottom line is that church - the place where I'm supposed to go for encouragement, consolation, counsel and comfort, the place that has for so long become a huge part of my life - has stopped being a safe place for me. Every time I go there, it is extremely difficult to smile, I can't worship. I can't find it in me to celebrate with them, I can't find it in me to fellowship with people, because I feel rejected and cursed in that blessed family of believers. People then see me agitated /sad /upset/ unwilling/ whatever, and they automatically peg that as a flaw in my character, have something to complain about me. They just don't know that they are the reason I've been agitated /sad /upset/ unwilling/ whatever . They don't like what they see, so people (even those I don't know) dislike me, and I just keep feeling worse.

You might think it's just my paranoia. I don't disagree with you. But it has happened, and it can happen again. The point is no one is doing much to dispel the paranoia; instead many do a lot to feed it.

That's partly why the Hubby had to resign - but that is not something we can easily share with others. I shouldn't force myself to be someone I'm not - especially not for people I don't even know. I can't keep up with people's expectations anymore, and if I keep going at this I will eventually be pressured enough to have to really kill myself.

Our home church is a good church, by the way. I actually think it's one of the best in the city. But it's unequipped and narrow-minded toward "people like me". (Of course people with psychoses and mental dysfunctions are accepted [in fact there are a lot of them in our church], but there has not been any effective ministry for them [er, us] so far, and people like those are generally viewed by the crowd as annoyances). So on top of the Hubby's resignation, we asked permission from our Senior Pastor if we could check out the ministries in other churches. Being an open-minded, Spirit-dependent sort, He said OK, and suggested a particular church he heard had a group designed for bipolars. But lemme just stress that we have no plans of transferring to another congregation - yet. We just need to have our needs met somehow.

I'm looking forward to receiving ministry from other churches. Now that the Hubby isn't "tied" to the staff, it's not unethical to seek outside sources, and he will have time to check out other ministries on weekends. That makes me feel better because I have options now, not so trapped anymore. It gives me hope.

I look forward to a major overhaul in our life. This decision of ours will open more possibilities for us in several aspects, and for me especially.

I look forward to being part of a local body that is more open-minded toward real 21st century people where it is more-or-less safe to be a broken individual, a safe place that can meet a bit more of my specific needs.

I hope also that I can stay stable enough to stay off my meds - even if not entirely off, maybe for long periods of time at least. Aside from money saved, I hope for my focus and creativity. Now that the biggest trigger in my life can be avoided, it might just be hunky-dory enough for me.