today's weather: S L I G H T D E P R E S S I O Nanxiety : 1
agitation : 1
It looks like I'm not quite out of this depressive episode just yet. :(
Today was not a very good day for me. I mean weather-within-wise. I woke up feeling very tired again, despite the fact that I had gone to bed earlier than usual the night before. Even if I m mind was racing with a mental list of things to keep me occupied for the day, I didn't have the capacity to look forward to them. I could not physically pull myself up out of bed, and I felt inexplicably lonely.
And that was just the morning.
I'm lucky the Hubby stayed home today, otherwise I would have stayed in bed until he came back from work, starved myself and accomplished nothing. He watched a DVD in bed with me, and when it was lunch time he made sure I ate. He knew I wouldn't be interested in anything the cook prepared, so he asked me what I wanted to order to go. Believe it or not, I had a really hard time thinking of what to order; I almost cried (partially because I felt frustrated, partially because the Hubby lost his temper at me). Anything and everything I thought of to eat just seemed so unpleasant. The only thing that seemed likable was Lay's potato chips (original), but that wasn't lunch food, and potato chips have a depressing effect when eaten, so Lay's was a bad idea.
Since I had cheese pizza the night before without any apparent ill effects, I thought maybe it was safe to ask for a cheese pizza. It didn't exactly make my mouth water, but I figured it'll do.
On a different but not entirely unrelated note, I'm feeling anxious about tomorrow evening. Not the excited kind of anxious, but the nervous, almost fearful kind.
The Hubby and I were invited to a prayer group at a churchmate's house, and we agreed it would be good to be there. It's just a harmless prayer meeting, but I'm almost dreading it. I have nothing against prayer meetings, mind you.
This is the first time we'll be interacting with our new churchmates outside of the usual service-setting, and I will likely have to actually interact with them. It's not that I don't want to, okay; because I really do want to make new acquaintances in our new church, get involved, get plugged in. It's just that my depressive episodes usually come with social anxiety, and this current one is no exception.
To state it plainly and even overstate it, I have been feeling a bit of social anxiety lately. I have no reason to believe it will dissipate tomorrow.
I'm not a shy person, and I'm not the type to be easily intimidated. But I'm just not savvy with the prospect of a new and unfamiliar social setting right now. Just not right now, not while I'm in this place in the spectrum. Especially not right now when I don't feel like I'm at my best. I fear I will be weighed and found wanting, I fear I will act in certain ways that people who will meet me for the first time will find detestable. I just so want to be part of our new church, I don't want to experience a single hint of rejection from anyone.
Tomorrow's meeting will be at a residence, and I find that daunting. I am the Millennium Falcon on my way into the Star Destroyer Executor, led by tractor beam. Geeky analogy aside, the thought that I will be in someone else's house is dreadful. It's someone's personal territory, and I will be invading it, and I can't ever be entirely sure I will be well received. The fact that it is a house at all is a cause for panic - I won't have any theater seat to nest in, no restaurant table to set as a barrier between myself and other people, no rational excuse to not to make eye contact. I am such a basketcase!
Do I get a pity cookie now?
I will likely be meeting some people for the first time, and that might require some small talk. Oh how I hate small talk. But I hate even more the uncomfortable silence from the lack of it. I don't enjoy having to say my name over and over, and I absolutely hate being asked what I do for a living. But I don't want to be perceived as antisocial.
If I take a happy yellow pill, it'll boost my spirits, and possibly even my social skills. But the effect can be unpredictable, I might become too energetic and invasive, so maybe I should keep away from the yellow pills.
What's worse than being perceived as antisocial is being found to be annoying. I have that effect on people. I don't do it on purpose, I swear; it just happens. But I don't want it to happen tomorrow, because I might be attending this church for several more years, and I don't want to rub anyone the wrong way.
And I am worrying about things unnecessarily again.
