today's weather: B A S E L I N E ... or so I thought.anxiety : 2
agitation : 0
"How have you been?", I was asked earlier. Was the guy just doing small talk to fill the empty air or did he expect a real answer? I can't just say "Well, I've been in a depressive episode and I thought about shooting myself in the head or jamming a stake down my jugular several times for days on end", can I? Even if it's true, it just never is appropriate.
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About two hours ago, the Hubby and I arrived from a meeting of sorts which involved some social interaction with people we've just met. The first hour home, I spent it soup-headed and slumped on the floor.
As soon as I entered the bedroom, whatever psychological energy I used to hold myself up gave way when I no longer needed to appear in front of other people. I wasn't feeling much social anxiety earlier, but I suddenly felt shockwaves when the Hubby and I were finally alone.
I always feel this way when I come home from interacting with people I am not so accustomed to. When I reach home I go too far into my head and drown an otherwise lovely evening in messy, self-deprecating rumination. I obsess about the probability of having offended someone. I review scenes and conversations in my head and reinterpret them in several different ways. I know I often come on too strong and may be too annoying / intimidating / insulting for some people's tastes, and there is the possibility of having been unbearably unlikeable. The truth is, I don't quite know how to act. My social awkwardness can get misconstrued as bitchiness. I'd feel like I've done something wrong and get disturbed by remorse over things I'm not sure of. I turn myself into my own judge and jury and I rule guilty without any solid evidence.
Why the heck do I do this to myself? Stupid question. There is no why. I just end up doing it.
Perhaps I talked too loud. Perhaps I said too much. Perhaps I jumped unwelcome into a conversation. Perhaps my phraseology was too abrasive. Perhaps my opinions were too strong and were not wanted anyway. Perhaps people think I'm a total asshole and hope never to see me again. Perhaps I'm a genuine idiot who deserves to be shot.
And I kept calling myself that - an idiot - while I lied crumpled on the floor. The Hubby tried to boost my spirit but nothing was working. Eventually he just told my to switch my mind off. That'll have to do for now.
I just think too much, defective model that I am. I hope to get some real peace as I consult my Manufacturer tonight.
