i feel so drained and hated

today's flavor: S L I G H T  D E P R E S S I O N
anxiety : 1
agitation : 0.5



 I've just come home from a meeting and I feel drained.  I know for certain that I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel like I have.  It's a bipolar-related neurosis, this obsessive oversensitivity, feeling guilty over things I may or may not have done; and because I'm a Christian it's a much bigger deal.

I have neither the events nor the evidence, but I feel so hated.  Paranoia. Paranoia. I keep telling myself not to make a fuss about it.   The Hubby says I have nothing to worry about since I did nothing so detestable -- but I can never be sure about what other people think, right? 

Oh, I pray that God will show me mercy tonight and let me sleep in peace.  I don't want to ruminate about this tonight.  Especially when I have to wake up early tomorrow.

Please Lord, please.

I feel like the world is against me, waiting and watching for the right time to impale me on their evil intentions.  I am to them an ogre, and the hunt is on. 

I exaggerate of course, but that's why it's paranoia.

If I keep thinking about this, I'll implode.  And I don't want to, because I'm just too tired to deal with anything right now.  I feel like I exhausted my last few ounces of energy on propriety but failed anyway.

Give me props at least for not giving in to the social anxiety today. 

the pregabalin goblin

today's flavor: S L I G H T D Y S P H O R I A
anxiety : 1
agitation : 1

With the power and internet connection down for several hours during the recent typhoon, I was able to do a lot of reading and drawing, whoopee!.  But see how funny this is: Now that I'm almost done with the prescription for the impinged nerves on my hands and wrists, I'm beginning to feel pain in those areas again, I suspect because of my drawing-spree.  :(  The stiffness in my finger-joints returned, and may be due in part to the cold.  I just can't work with my hands for hours anymore.  :(

Still, I'm looking forward to clearer thought and increased energy after I'm done with the Pregabalin.  I'm hoping I don't have to extend or take another form of Rheumatologist-prescribed torture.

(Goodness, I need a rheumatologist now?! I feel like a grandma, and I don't even have kids yet!)


This is how I feel on Pregabalin:

 

It feels more like the Pregabalin is on me.  I imagine it would look like a giant blue doldrum, only without the goo.  Okay, that's not exactly a goblin in the Tolkien sense of the word, but more like an anthropomorphised giant sack of potatoes. Come on, it's easier to draw an anthropomorphised sack of potatoes.

And this is what I look forward to:

Pwning the damn thing, after stabbing the wretched goblin in the eye, scrambling its brains with the stabbing implement, strangling it with its own entrails and not having to put up with its heaviness. Though I don't necessarily have to be dressed like a hooker while doing it.

Looking forward to brighter days,
miratemplen

.

Good Sign

today's weather: S L I G H T D E P R E S S I O N
anxiety : 1
agitation : 1

Feeling better today. I mean I no longer feel moderately depressed but feel merely slightly depressed. Slightly is better than moderately. I've at least become a bit more energetic - without having to ingest those happy yellow pills I love so much. I've been able to get myself out of bed and eat.

I've been able to answer crossword puzzles in twenty minutes or less (Yay, me! But of course, I cheated :p ), and my appetite for reading has returned. I still have a dislike for the e-book I've been stuck on for the past few weeks (the dislike is not due to the contents, but to the impersonality of the e-ness of it), but what the heck, I can't not finish it.

I made another lovely piece of costume jewelry today. I'm low on materials again but I once more challenged my creativity to come up with something wearable and sellable.

After finishing the piece, I started computing for the selling price. This particular item required a bit more math since I used around twenty different kinds of beads, and they were all tiny, and I had to count them all one by one. The basic formula is

bpx

in which b is a specific kind of bead or material, p is its price, and x is the number of times that particular item was used. Now since there is more than one kind of b, there has to be ...

b1p1x1
+
b2p2x2
+
b3p3x3

and so on. The sum is added to what I charge for labor plus miscellaneous materials, and all multiplied by two. The product is then marked up, and I have my selling price.

I was doing the math earlier in bed this evening, and I found joy in computing things mentally. That's a good, geeky sign that I'm doing well and am likely to be doing well tomorrow.

chatty chatter that makes the monophobia more monophobic

today's weather: S L I G H T D E P R E S S I O N
anxiety : 1
agitation : 1

I've had to rely on the happy yellow pills to function. They give me a bit of energy. Not too much; just enough to haul myself out of bed and get through the day.

I told the Hubby about the extermination rumination. He hid my craft-knife just to make sure I don't carry anything out. He knows he shouldn't not take it seriously.

I have another one in the art supplies box. A craft-knife, I mean. And a few cutters in the desk drawer.

But like I said previously, I'm not really going to do it. Slitting wrists is for teenagers; I'm neither emo nor cliche.

So I'm going for a stab to the jugular.

Kidding!

Like I said previously, I'm not really going to do it.

On another note, i think the happy yellow pills are side-effecting. I've been warned they're not supposed to be for bipolars, but I need uppers, so spank me.

I think they're making the imaginary chatter more chatty. The imaginary chatter has been getting chattier lately, I thought maybe the happy yellow pills have something to do with that. The chattier is getting chattier, making my monophobia more monophobic. I've been projecting slides in my head about cutting my ear off, wondering if that would make things a bit quieter.

Oh! -- So that's probably why Van Gogh did it. Cut his ear off, I mean. The souvenir bit could've just been a latter addendum.

Maybe it's time to return to the Lithium. :(

suddenly life lost its meaning again

today's weather:
S L I G H T . D E P R E S S I O N
anxiety : 1 | agitation : 1



Suddenly life lost its meaning again. I'm back to wallowing in the blogosphere and making crap jewelry, crap poetry. My fallback, the unwanted destiny. Just when I thought there was a step up and out. Goodbye, online job that I loved so much; hello again ennui and meaninglessness.

It kinda feels like the time when I was a kid and someone gifted me with a big chocolate bar, which I got excited over. But then that chocolate bar was taken away because I wasn't good enough to deserve it, and it was given to someone else. It kinda feels like that. Only in a bigger scale concerning real-life things.

I'm telling myself it's not that bad... But that doesn't give me any direction.

I don't want to go back down and in, I don't want to stay here, but I don't know how to proceed. I really don't.

I really don't.

On the upside, at least I am no longer with Raven Corp. and don't feel so trapped. So in a way, things are good. Things might not be getting better at this point, but it's at least better than last year and the year before.

Pork

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | stable | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx: 0, agit: 0


Crap. I'm revisiting the Doldrums again. So soon. Too soon, me thinks.

Dr. C calls it rapid cycling - I mean going into an episode, staying there for merely a few days then shifting into the opposite pole for a few days and then shifting back for a few days and so on. A look at my charts says I'm prone to rapid cycles.

I hate this. I was looking forward to a happy manic high all summer.

But wait - coming to think of it, this might actually only be a side-effect of going back on Lithium (I went off it unintentionally for a while, as mentioned in previous posts). I'm feeling that underwater sensation again, and I may be confusing it for depression. I'm not anxious or agitated - just numb and lightheaded and kinda sad - so maybe it isn't the Doldrums after all.

Speaking of Lithium side effects, I'm having some dizziness, headaches and body pains (but no fever); some nausea (but no vomiting). And if I use my eyes too much (like when I read or watch the telly), the headache gets vicious. It's the exact experience as it was when I first started taking Lithium, I mean, before I got used to it. Blech. Those symptoms faded out in about two or three months as I got used to my medication, but the underwater effect and numbness-sadness stayed on.

And no surprise - I gained weight. Just like the first time I took Lithium. Even if I stayed on the same diet and daily activities. Heck, I've even been eating less these days! But the pudging-up is so obvious and I feel so puffy and porky.

Oink oink.

I noticed that If didn't engage myself in some activity, it would be easy for me to slump into the blues. As long as I kept myself busy, I'd be fine (so yeah , maybe it isn't really a depression after all). But here's the dilemma: I get too dizzy and headachey if I engage my eyes. Like right now, typing at the keyboard. Darn this. I have to rest my head for a while. I've been having to rest my head so often that I feel like nothing is happening in a day.

Porky behavior. Eat and play and have to sleep every now and then. The result is a porky appearance. Darn this. Bright idea to break the Lithium habit, eh? I really shouldn't try that again.

Switch, Switch

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 1 , agit : 1

There was a succession of days of slight elevation, and as I usually am when feeling that way, I was too busy to have any time for blogging. The previous week was an overly productive and exciting week due to last Friday's event. I congratulate me for faithfully taking one tab of Lithium a day, despite the temptation to skip because I wanted the high. Come Friday evening though, I was so tired and cranky that I had to resort to a yellow pill.

Hee-hee, quite a few of us were cranky from sleeplessness and overwork, so I went drug pusher again and handed out those over-the-counter happy pills.

Cheers to me for a productive past week and a successful event! Woot!

Although...

I stressed myself out too much that I got me sick. Grrr. I seem do that a lot. Still can't seem to restrain myself from overworking my body.

Now I've spent the past three days at home with depression-like symptoms. I recall Dr. C told me about that, that sickness also causes depression. Oh, sigh.

Underwater is Normal? Gurgle gurgle.

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 0 , agit : 0


Incredible. It's almost the end of another year and I haven't even begun to savor this one yet.

I usually have mixed episodes in November-December, but there's a chance that it won't be that way this year, since the trademark plunge for September and the elevation for October didn't happen as I extrapolated.

Anyway , I'd rather have mixed eps instead of depressed ones. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I did some reading again recently and noticed that some Lithium side effects are the same as depression symptoms:

• slowness of thinking, speech and movement
• lack of coordination
• feeling of numbness / dullness
• lethargy
• fatigue
• clouded thinking
• blurry vision
• muscle pain
• etc.

I started worrying that maybe I was having an overdose, but Hubby helped me discern that I was just being paranoid (snicker!). I was after all taking only one tablet every other day (Still as a precaution, I intend to take a blood test, the kind that determines thyroid conditions and such).

I also realized that I may have been confusing slight depressions with side effects of Lithium. It would feel like a slight depression, but if it comes with zero anxiety or irritability, it isn't really an episode after all. I suppose then I should slate it as normal if there's only a very slight dullness or numbness and if both anx and agit are zero, or else my records will suggest that I've been mostly depressed, which isn't quite exact.

According to my reading, it's also quite common for Lithium-takers to feel a bit slow and detached from themselves. Something like "I'm right here but my consciousness is miles away". I thought that was depression, but realize that it isn't necessarily so.

Here's how I describe what it's been like since I began to take it last year: it's been kinda like being under water, but a thin, breathable kind of water. A wee bit number, a wee bit dumber. I feel it's such a pity that I can't think as fast as I used to.

Oh well; I should just think of Lithium as a much-needed harness - without it, I could be harmful to myself and others (Think Napoleon, Hiltler and Stalin, haha!).

Glad for a lift. I hope it lasts long.

Quicksand Days

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 1 , agit : 1


I've apparently moved into a depressive phase, quel bummer. I've had around a whole month of normal-happy anyway, so I should be thankful for that. For now, I've got to watch the triggers, my involvements, my sleep hours and such, to keep me from spiraling down into somewhere I can't pick myself up from. This is really important.

On Wednesday morning, I woke up (too early) with a mild distaste for life - which quickly and treacherously snowballed into a horrible resentment for everything and everyone. I didn't bother to call my Hubby at work to ask him to come home like I usually would when I get this sick, because I wanted to go online, and having him home so early meant he had to use the laptop so he could work (hahahaa ... what a dilemma!). So there I laid crying in bed, refusing to get up or even live; I didn't even notice my hunger. The only reason I got up and faced the day was my rabbit-friends started climbing up the bed and begged to be fed. I couldn't stand thinking that they be hungry; I knew I'd get more depressed if they became unwell.

I thought about what could have triggered the upset and swung me down deeper. I realize it was just a small, passing comment someone made about somebody else. It blew into gross disproportions with cataclysmic repercussions in my own mind. How gnarly, huh?

Here's the basic schematic of that:
My friend got praised.
Being already depressed, I felt bad for myself for not being the recipient of that praise.
I began to think I was not praiseworthy.
I got upset.
I got majorly upset at the world for not appreciating me.
I got majorly upset at myself for not being what I could have been.
I got majorly upset for not ever reaching the goals I set for myself.
And I was a big, fat loser. And no one can convince me otherwise (The thing with Bipolarity - it's biological /chemical; you can't treat it with psychological or spiritual tools).
And I wanted to die.
And I thought of ways to kill myself.

And that all happened within a span of eight minutes as I sat in a couch in Nini's living room while everyone else happily chatted around me, not knowing I was plotting my suicide in their blessed presence.

So please don't praise my friend in front of me. Thank you.

I am right now on unsafe ground that even the smallest thing can upset the balance. I have got to be meticulously careful; I'd really rather not sink.

So anyway, since Wednesday, I've adjusted my chemical intake, hopefully to regulate. Which reminds me -I've also got to fill my schedule with cheerer-upper activities to counteract the dipping mood.

Yesterday, I acquired a warm-fuzzy sense of contentment from being productive. Not just busy, but actually productive. I did something I haven't done in over a year: make study lessons. They're for church. I don't really enjoy doing it but I am told I am quite excellent at it (and I think it's true), so it gives me a sort of satisfaction, especially when I know that the material I make will be well-used by others (and by extension, will help to accomplish the church 's goals in obedience to Christ's commands, so that's a really good thing). I'll be keeping myself busy these next few weeks with writing out those ten or so lessons. Hopefully my energy will allow it.

Ah well, when emotional resources and physical energy dwindle, there's always SAM-e. Junkie.

Death Over Dreaming

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 2 , agit : 1


I re-read Neil Gaiman's Endless Nights last night. Lovely bit of work. My favorite ones were the Dream and Desire segments - delicious art, simple-but-profound story.

There was this bit in the Dream part in which a character (a star, actually) remarks that Dream is even more cruel than his sister, Death. I think about it and I see why.

And I don't just mean the characters.

He indeed gives life - personification of imagination, of poetry, of song, of infinite possibilities -
One profound and enigmatic as his starlight-pool eyes is someone to be wary of.
He indeed is a bringer of hope.
Bu he too is a crusher of it.
He'd build you up - sweetly, gradually - and then bring you down with one sudden swing.
Impetuous, tempestuous.
Full of longing and love - also of loathing. Of adoration and aberration. Even abhoration.
A wonderful ally but a formidable foe.

She indeed wears a numinous aura about her.
Cold and unsympathetic, feared and revered.
Stable and dependable - like one's oldest friend - she soothes and smooths out the scarrings of life.
She brings quiet to chaos, even to the most severe of them; offers forgetting if not forgiving.
Peace and silence.

She isn't so bad; and he isn't so lovely.

I think I prefer her embrace more than his right now.

I Am Sooo Not A Morning Person

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 0 , agit : 0


The start of each day is Lurch, lurch, lurch, lurch. Lurch, yawn, lurch, yawn. That is, after a night when I do get some sleep. Nothing necessarily connected with moods or meds or whichever; I just really love the bed in the morning. Especially when it's a mizzly, drizzly day like this one. Sometimes, I wake up and get up, and then I realize that was just part of my dream that I woke up and got up. It's hard to gain momentum when there isn't any. A grueling wrestling match with myself in a sea of taffy. Of course I actually manage to pull myself out and do something productive with the rest of my day, but that usually happens around noon.

Now, the evenings are a whole different story. Ever since I was in grade school, I've always noticed how I'm much more creative at night - sometimes even at those hours after twelve. I think faster, maybe clearer, and I feel a better sense of accomplishment. Of course I've tried adjusting my body clock; but I'm really just the night-owl type. And I think I like it that way. There's just one problem though: more people need my presence (and presence of mind) during the daytime, not at night.