Brain-Vomit About Depression

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 1 , agit : 1

Been doing swell and rather hunky-dory the past few days; generally stable spirits. It's just that I've gotten bored with the designing-making bit that I do. Been slightly physically tired as well.
Ho-hum; disinterest and fatigue come with the depression that I usually cycle into at this time of the year - nothing to be alarmed about, really.

I wish depression could be called another thing instead of "depression"; the word is just abhorrently, frakkin' ugly. It conjures images of hopeless immobility, wrist-slitting and other pathetic poses, psychological meltdown and ludicrous Prozac dependence. Sure, all that could happen, all at once even -- but that's NOT often the case. Depression is not necessarily such an EVIL thing for a manic-depressive; it's more like... like a natural thing.

Not a normal thing mind you; a natural thing. There's a difference.
Natural: having a predisposition; it happens though it isn't planned or desired.
Normal: accepted, ordinary, stable, an everyday occurrence.
i.e., It's natural for me to glum down every now and then, but that isn't normal. Gets? For that matter, "normal" or "stable" is an elusive ideal for me.

So anyway, I try to weed out the nasty meditations (i.e., causes for depressive thoughts). It helps me save money by keeping me away from the little yellow pills. Besides, who wants to stay down in the dumps?

One main nasty is the fact that it's been one year after the fiasco, and I still don't know where to head from here. I'm still as clueless as I was last year. Life is basically on maintenance mode since I can't come up with a coherent plan for my life. I who used to have a laminated life-purpose statement with color-coded subgoals in yearlies, monthlies and weeklies. I, the formerly goal-setting, purpose-driven, big-dreaming, promise-claiming zealot. I kinda miss that person.

I also though about my frustration at not achieving the goals I set for myself to accomplish before the age of thirty. It's normal, I've been told, for adults around thirty - it's that crossroads or landmark of sorts, where one unnecessarily pressures oneself to have been somebody and have accomplished something. It's normal, I've been told, to go through a bit of depression at this stage because of self-disappointment; almost everybody else does.

Yeah, but almost everybody else isn't bipolar. So - (1) almost everybody else probably doesn't feel as despondent as I do, and (2) More scrupulously than almost everybody else, I have to watch that I don't sink until a noose slips around my neck. What is normal for almost everybody else isn't necessarily so for me.