unappreciation day

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 3 , agit : 3


I whine online (insert frowny here) because I am indeed a jerk.

I kept wishing I drank sleeping pills this morning. A still am actually. Wishing, I mean.

I ask myself, what was I thinking, expecting this day to be a good one? I drag myself too early out of bed, dress all dressy and submit myself to the depression-worsening torture of being a prop. An accessory. An extension. An appendage. An escort service. A tool. A decoration.

Banished to the oubliette out of convenience but fetched to be the recipient of certain expectations, worthy of being overlooked and awarded a bunch of ugly ornamental foliage. Go, have your fun, fuss all over him and forget me. Isn't he amazing and ain't I a wonderful accessory. Skills and talents that compliment him - the very things i hoped not to hear. All I am is a talented person, like the guy said, but pretty much useless. Damn their insensitivity. I don't doubt someone will offer the unsolicited harangue of further unappreciation and expectations and such without offering any ears or sympathy. Frustration-dumping and control obtaining that the guy said I deserve under the guise of care. That's the staple. Welcome to the fellowship of the holy and perfect, you must be holy and perfect.

Please don't make me go to the next one if you want me to survive this episode. And don't pretend to care if all you will do is dictate more expectations. I'm too exhausted for any more and I really feel like quitting. Signing off. Taking a bow. Tapping out. Saying good night. No more please. Words don't help unless they are sorry, so please don't bother.