in the indigo haze

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 3 , agit : 2


Getting up in the morning has been sheer torture lately. I feel like I've been getting worse, sinking into indigo and deep violet. I can still manage to hold my head up and carry myself quite passably in public (I think), though I often feel afloat, clouded, distant, unfocused and... what was I saying? It may be a gamble to throw me in an uncomfortable situation, and it's still definitely a must to stay away from the triggers.

Let me just say last Sunday was hell. I doubt anyone noticed though. While everyone had their happy day, I had to lock myself in a darkened room while I bawled.

I've just gotten tired of fighting it. I know I could, but I also know that that won't do much. Both Dr. C and Dr. Z say that all I could do is ... yeah, I've thought and said it over and over, I'd rather not say it again here.

The yellow pills do their job, but they give me mixed episodes. In the event of even the slightest trigger, I notice that I am instantly thrown into manic (elevated) levels accompanied agitation and anxiety. When I did my research on the yellow pills, I learned that they do have that nasty side effect (particularly on Bipolars); I asked Dr. C about it and she says they're alright as long as I take them with the Lithium. Besides, I prefer having mixed episodes instead of purely depressive ones.