Wherefore Art Thou Embittered?

severe elevation|high elevation| moderate elevation|slight elevation|stable| slight depression|moderate depression|deep depression|severe depression||anx: 1, agit: 1


The past few days haven't exactly been peachy-keen, but I'm (kinda) thankful that at least I've only been swinging around the middle zone ; i.e., stable-to-slight. I'd hate to admit it to anyone else (though I wouldn't mind confessing it on my waste of cyberspace) but I've been depressed. Just slightly.

No real reason. It's all just chemical.

... And dear friends who may be visiting this page, don't be alarmed. Depression is just a fact of life. A fact of my life at least. I won't be killing myself anytime soon (though I may muse about it from time to time). I'll be upping my state using a few coping techniques and the friendly yellow pills, and things'll be hunky-dory in no time. Cheerioh.

Oh, shoot. I just realized I failed to take my regular meds the past four days. Oh noes.

Anyway..

I know I'm depressed when instead of dreaming I'd be mulling over dreams that I can't reach. My personal prayers devolve into a litany of rambling complaints. The fact that I struggle to get out of bed in the morning is a dead giveaway.

A pathetic story from the other day: My bones felt too heavy for getting out of the house, and I was experiencing some muscle pains (caused by some other hormonal factor. grr.) I thought of putting on a DVD to keep my mind away from depressive ruminations. I chose to watch the making of one of my favorite movies ever, Moulin Rouge. I'd borrowed the 2-disc set from my my mother-in-law; I was so excited to watch interviews with Baz Lurhman, the pre-prod anectodes, dance choreography and production design details and other special features. I was so sure I'd be entertained. Well, I was, certainly. But I hadn't counted on getting depressed.

Normally, I would've immensely enjoyed watching something like that. But given that I was already teetering toward depression at that time, it served as a negative trigger. Watching one colorful segment after another highlighted the current blandness of my own life. I was reminded of the dreams I've had when I was younger, and became even more aware of the fact that most of those dreams aren't even close to becoming a reality.

I had wanted to be a theater actress.
I had wanted to be on the team of a kickass production.
I had wanted to the director of a brilliant film.
I had wanted to write a brilliant script.
I had wanted to travel around Europe.
I had wanted to do so many things.

Years ago and back in the neigborhood of Idealism and Romanticism, all those things I dreamed of (and more) seemed certainly reachable (uh ... well, yeah; that might have been a time of mania / elevation, I realize ...) I wanted those things to happen and believed they could and would.

That night that I watched the video, I didn't feel so invulnerable. Instead of feeling inspired, I felt insulted. I magnified the failures of my life and momentarily forgot about the successes and blessings and reasons to be glad to be alive for. I couldn't sleep so I watched another Baz Lurhman film - Romeo+Juliet, hoping it'd pacify me. Wrong move.

There was no rush like I could rule the world. That night I just wanted to let the world roll over me and crush me. Crunch, crunch, SPLAT. Darn the pathetic waste of cellulose and that latent genius that can't ever be expressed. I tortured myself about dead dreams and unrealized wishes and a crummy destiny until I fell asleep the following morning.

Of course I felt much better after I'd gotten some sleep. Even better after getting out of the house and having some contact with other cell-based intelligent lifeforms.

I have a good life.
I have a good life.
I have a good life I have a good life I have a good life.

I still don't feel invulnerable (and probably won't ever again, now that I'm on Lith), but at least I don't feel so insulted right now. B ut I guess I need to surround myself with good company and a few happy-warm-fuzzy DVDs the next few days, just to ward off the saddies. I want the following days to be gorgeous. Chocolates and bunnies. No evil thawts. No evil thawts. Will be reading Peter Pan and other lighthearted reads. Groan.