Teeter-Totter Time

severe elevation|high elevation| moderate elevation|slight elevation|stable| slight depression|moderate depression|deep depression|severe depression||anx: 1, agit: 1


I woke up yesterday with an overwhelming sense of dejection triggered by seemingly unremarkable details from the previous day. They were so seemingly unremarkable that I didn't even know they'd have that effect the following morning. But ta-dah - they drew out the nasty little depressive-thought monsters.

I hate it when that happens. It's like an ambush, a blitzkrieg that catches me unprepared. I accepted the fact that the morning wasn't going to be a great one, but I peeled myself from the bed and opened the blinds. Let the fresh air and sunlight in, let the bunny-pee smell out. My rabbits need me to feed them, so I shouldn't stay in bed wallowing in whatever that was inviting me to wallow.

I had an uneventful day and a semi-productive evening, capped by a torturous night. As soon as I realized the day was over, the nasty little monsters started peering out again. I knew I needed to sleep as soon as possible, but I couldn't.

I tried watching some television just to keep me from delving into my own possibly-caustic thoughts. (Platoon on Cinemax... Charlie Sheen was young and cute then. I didn't particularly like to watch it but I entertained myself by trying to spot the young Johnny Depp, who was then a nobody in the background). I finally got tired midway and slept. But that bliss didn't last long.

It must have been an hour later that I woke again. And the little monsters jumped out one after the other, intermingled and reproduced; in my stupor, I didn't have the energy nor the presence of mind to ward them off. Darn it. It was beyond suicide - it was a swelling torrent of despair that not even the ending of life could quench. Stymied as to strategy at that time of night, I decided to give a long, hard cry - tears, whimpers, sobs and all. It didn't solve my problems, but it felt good. Besides, it tired me enough to fall asleep.

The following morning (which was today), I woke up with the memory of last night, so I apprehended myself and stayed away from thinking depressive thoughts. I wanted to stay in bed some more -which I know is a definite no-no in times of depression. I didn't feel energetic enough to be up and about, so I lay under the covers but turned my thoughts to the rabbits, to the planning for this year's Youth Camp, to lunch and chocolate-peanut butter bars. I had no intentions of catching the first train toward the downward spiral.

So far so good. As long as I keep myself busy, the nasty little thought monster will keep out. The real problem zone will be bedtime - the time after I lay down and before I fall asleep. I suppose I could take some antihistamines tonight to help me sleep sooner. I need them for my allergies anyway.