Discrimination

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | stable | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx: 1, agit: 1


Discrimination is pretty much it.

I know that people are afraid about things that they don't understand. But it's hardly an excuse when it's easy to get educated. That is if they want to be educated.

I suppose it's safe to assume that they'd rather act defensively than proactively. It's so human nature, after all.

Kill the ogre.
Burn the witch.
Stew the white man.
Hang the pirate.

Stone the bipolar.

In that organization, nonetheless.

Exclude the bipolar from anything public so as not to give good people the wrong idea.
Exclude her from opportunities.
Deny her the freedom to obey God.
Don't go to her because she'll bite your arm off.
Prevent her from preaching or teaching even if she already has been, and even if she's qualified, because we'll never know when she'll rip out a gun and kill everyone.

Okay, I'm exaggerating of course. But it's the general attitude.

"We have to protect the church," I was told - and that is not an exaggeration. That is an exact quote.

Thank you for making me feel like I'm not part of the church too.

Yeah. I suppose maybe I'm not.

"People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care," I was told, telling me that I wasn't fit to be in ministry because I often give the wrong impression. If that's the motto they'd like to drop at me, then it would be nice to quote back at them. I'd just like them good church folk to know that I don't really care about the advice they keep shoveling at me, because it's quite apparent that they don't care about me. They only care about "the ministry".

Like I wasn't part of the ministry.

Yeah. I suppose I'm not.

Now they wonder why I don't like attending their events and they get all disappointed at my Hubby. They just don't get it that seeing them causes me distress, social anxiety and grief. I need to know what to avoid. No, that is not a copout. A lot of those people have been real jerks; I've spent a great deal defending them to others but I am right now having a hard time defending them in my head to myself.

I mean, yeah, I understand people don't want to risk the safety of "the majority", so it's better for them to keep me at arm's length from everyone else. But it's not like I'll wreak havoc one nice Sunday and slay everyone unawares (though I must admit I have thought about that). The problem is they've got these wrong notions of me because don't understand the condition. They just labeled me and dismissed me, never sought to understand.

No one ever really asked how I am.
No one sat long enough to listen to an explanation about the condition.
No one wants to believe that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME; they just keep asking my husband for proof that I'm "alright".
No one really asked me about it, so I have reason to believe they think the wrong thing.

They can always ask me what it's all about. If they're afraid to get their heads bitten off, they can always make a Google search. But like I said: big, fat IF.

And they don't because they don't want to.

I understand that of course, but I'm just not willing to accept it. They, including those who pass themselves off as my "friends", are busy with ministry. Like there was no real ministry needed in my corner of the globe, and like I never expressed that i needed them. It would have been acceptable if that went on for weeks, maybe even months. But its been years, and no one, not a single one in the lovely local fellowship of believers has reached out to me. Not a single one of them who pursue the heart of Christ. Not a single one.

Their way of "reaching out" is telling me how disappointed they are at me and tell me to comply with their expectations. They don't realize that their expectations are out of line because they did not first seek to understand. It's like those things they teach on compassion and relationships are just suggestions that they themselves choose not to apply.

I've been right there in the sheepfold all this time - I never left, never lagged behind, never turned my back, never slacked on the job - but I was lost somehow. And I saw no good shepherd who would leave the 99 to go out and find me.

Oh yeah, I just remembered. "It is never about the people. It is always about the organization." -- That is another direct quote. Is she telling me that the one who is lost is not important as long as the 99 are intact? What I know about Jesus and the Bible tells me that she is wrong, and that he never intended for an organization. I understand what she is trying to say, but I do not accept it.

I don't see the point anymore in staying in an organization that causes me more harm than good, one that I no longer believe in at that, and one that does not make an effort to walk its talk.

And if you are offended by this, you are likely among one of those narrow-minded, unloving individuals from the organization who preach about Jesus and seem not to act the least bit like him. React to this and I've blown your cover. Thank you for your maturity.