Bonjour, tourists. On today's trip, I'll be taking you to another prominent feature in the landscape of my Bipolar Condition. As I've said before symptoms and experience vary from one BiPer to another, so this sort of thing may be unique to me.
My depression is usually worsened or triggered by aloneness, on the simple fact that being alone leaves me to wander off into the the caverns of my mind. Usually that means delving into negative, self-destructive thought patterns. That's one reason why I shouldn't be left alone.
The other reason is the phobia.
a u t o p h o b i a
1. A fear of being alone
2. In extreme cases, a fear of oneself
m o n o p h o b i a
1. Am abnormal fear of being alone or lonely.
2. An anxiety over separation from a person or place that bring security
i s o l o p h o b i a
An irrational fear of being left alone.
[These are IrReverend Mar's easy paraphrase]
This isn't a constant feature of course; it exists during episodes - whether elevated ones or depressed. I wouldn't really call myself autophobic; it's just that I've noticed the symptoms of autophobia when i am manic or depressed.
The way I described it to my friends is that there is this irrational, overwhelming fear that something bad will happen to me when I'm alone. Dr C says that's not really unusual for a BiPer.
Irrational - because I can logically deduce that nothing can possibly go wrong and then conclude that I am safe, but emotionally I believe the opposite and therefore go into panic. The unrest is not at a logical level but at an emotional one.
Overwhelming because it often dumbfounds me to the point that I won't, can't do anything but panic.
The degree of the phobia depends on the degree of the episode:
(Before I continue, lemme just say I swear I'm not crazy. I'm perfectly logical; just emotionally disturbed)
- Slight depression:
I'd spaz out a bit.
I'd prefer not to do anything unless someone else - doesn't matter who, as long as it is a warm body - is physically present. That person doesn't need to accompany me; he just has to be within range. - Slight elevation: Hardly any autophobia symptoms.
- Moderate to severe depression:
> I can't look into the mirror sometimes because I'd expect to look different. Horned maybe, or bloody, or crazed like Charles Manson. I can logically recognize the absurdity of that, but emotionally believe it to be true. I can't quite explain how or why it happens, but bot Doc C and Nini have told me it's not that unusual for someone in my predicament.
> I get to hearing things - like my name or some words being pronounced in the ambient noise. I know logically and perfectly well that nothing and no one is talking to me, but somehow my mind translates sounds into syllables. I could hear my name in the wind or in a cat's meow, and then give myself a fit. Doc says that's not uncommon.
> Then there's "seeing things" as well. It's not the same as hallucinating because I don't see thing that aren't really there. My mind sees actual, physical things, but in a different way, like a very slight trip but not always a happy one. When I'm alone, inanimate objects have a presence or a personality - but they return to their lifeless states when I begin to mind them. When I was younger, I wasn't so fearful when this happened; I'd actually find it entertaining. I thought it was just my version of having a fertile imagination.
> The things I "hear" and "see" are not friendlies. It's so not like Beauty and the Beast's magic castle, all happy and cute. It's more like a Clockwork Orange mind-frak, trippy and disturbed.
> I sometimes I feel like the mere atmosphere around me wants to throttle me. I used o think there were silet demons watching me; now I know it's all just mental.
> I would actually need another person to be able to function. I need to be kept company and listened to.
> I could get so terrified that I would freeze in a corner when alone, until somebody I trust comes by. It can't be some random acquaintance; it has to be a close family member or close friend.
> There have been a few times I've gotten to screaming and crying, but those don't come very often . - Moderate to severe elevation:
> "Hearing things", as above.
> "Seeing things" - like some excess of energy makes my mind druggie-high hyper and my eyes form immediate connections between various visual elements to form a freaky, nonreal whole.
> At times I'd be afraid of myself, knowing that when I'm elevated I'd be brave enough to slit my jugular vein open. I'd start an obsessive conversation with myself as to why I should or shouldn't kill myself.
