an induced baseline is still baseline

today's weather: S L I G H T D E P R E S S I O N :(
anxiety : 0.5 | agitation : 0.5
today's unwanted guest: very slight paranoia, very mild auditory hallucinations

So the sad feeling has officially slidden down into a depressive episode this week. One of the marks by which I can tell that it's a real depressive episode and not just "feeling sad" (aside from the irritability and anxiety, I mean) is voicesandnoises. They were gone for a while, and I didn't notice until they came back. Can't say I missed them.

I've been so paranoid this week that my brooding was brooding, and I brought my concerns to the Hubby. I bawled two nights straight about my irrational fears and imagined rejection, and the Hubby couldn't stifle laughing at me for being so, er, imaginative. But I didn't think it was funny at all. It was all real to me. Well, I kinda could laugh at it now, because I popped some yellow pills, so I'm on a faux baseline right now (which is as good as baseline nonetheless, except that i still feel slight anx and agit).

I think I had about a week or two of a genuine baseline or close-to-baseline. There were no voicesandnoises during that time, and I felt braver than usual, and there was hardly any monophobia or autophobia or whatever you call it. I likes it that way.

Sadly I swing back down into sadly. Which isn't so bad because I feel like blogging again (When I'm happily enjoying life, I can't think much about what to write about - which is why I have more entries labelled "depression").

Still, due to the major changes in my life, I'm feeling very optimistic and hopeful, and still relatively happy. Simply knowing that I have choices shifts things tremendously. The slight depression I've been having even feels different somehow - it's not as hopeless and pervasive anymore; just bleak.