Voices and Noises

severely elevated | very elevated | moderately elevated | slightly elevated | BASELINE | slightly depressed | moderately depressed | deeply depressed | severe depressed ||
anx : 0 | agit: 0


Extreme episodes of bipolar mood have sometimes been misdiagnosed as schizophrenia. Some symptoms can be similar, but they're not the same thing. 

From what I understand, schizophrenia can have full-blown delusions and deviation from reality,  like Russel Crowe's character in the movie A Beautiful Mind. 

 

 
Just for the record, that's NOT what it's like for me, okay.   (Bipolar is more like Penelope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, or Nicole Kidman and Julianne Moore in The Hours).


Voices and Noises.

I call them voices and noises, but the clinical term is auditory hallucinations - which I prefer not to use, because it's misleading.  Simply put it's "hearing sounds that no one else can hear".  It's not a crazy person thing, mind you.  It's just an anxiety-related symptom resulting from extreme depression or elevation


Bipolar ≠ Schizophrenia.
Schizophrenia is a psychosis; bipolar is a mood disorder. I'm not schizophrenic, just bipolar.  The abnormality is with my emotional makeup, NOT my sanity. 

Bipolar Mood doesn't necessarily involve delusions but may lead to that if  not properly treated. Severe manic or depressive episodes can look like schizophrenia. There have been cases when improperly treated bipolar mood came with or led to schizophrenia, such as in the cases of Vincent Van Gogh and Virginia Woolf, but that doesn't always happen.

And before anyone thinks that I'm about to go all psycho killer, lemme just clarify ...


I am not psychotic, delusional or sociopathic.

The voices and noises do NOT necessarily indicate insanity, but may just point to an overactive mind.

I'm too logical and lucid enough to know what's real and what's not.  I'm not going to start spotting convoluted theories a la Russel Crowe; I am not going to kill people because "the voices made me do it". Besides, I'm too cool for heeding imaginary projections.   

Dr. C had nonchalantly assured me that so-called hallucinations are normal for bipolars, and there's really no big deal about it.  It's just a fact.  Nothing to get too worried over.

Mean Girls' Karen  said, "I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense...
It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain"

I am not possessed or demonized.

When I was a was a kid and didn't know about my condition, I mistook the voices and noises and presences for demons trying to derail me from the perfect will of God, hahaha.  After years of  ministry training, I can prove by simple deductive reasoning that those noises in my head definitely are not and have never been demons. For one thing, real demons obey when commanded to shut up; figments of the imagination don't. 

You can't cast out an emotional imbalance.  It's not a demon, and it's not a sickness.  It's good to be aware of the spiritual, but no need to overspiritualize. Bipolars need to trust in God for wholeness, and take the meds and loving relationships He provides.


What are the "hallucinations" like?

I didn't think I needed to elaborate on this, but some people have asked me about specifics, so I'll try my best to explain:

They're not always present but come only during times of beyond-average depression or elevation, and only when I'm alone and already upset.

The voices and noises are just imagined projections symptomatic of emotional disturbances during a bipolar episode.  In other words, they're not really there, but it gets noisy in my head when I'm heavily stressed. It's easy to tell they're not actual, physical sounds. 

They are NOT coherent, i.e., I don't hear clear words, sentences or  conspiracy theories.
They kinda like just punctuate the dead air when I am alone, like background noise. 
They are not loud.
They DO NOT talk to me or hang out with me.
I DO NOT respond to them.
They DO NOT ramble or talk to each other.
I don't see things.  There are no images, just eerie feelings.
They are mostly short, sudden flashes.
Mostly I just hear my name in the ambient noise (like in the swish of dishwater or in the rustle of branches) - because I'm a self-confessed narcissist, my mind automatically listens for my name in my surroundings. 
They are never clear. They're like residues of dreams in the morning, that shimmer away when one tries to take a closer look.
They don't have any realistic quality to them, so though they startle me sometimes, they don't confuse me.

How I deal with the "voices and noises"

Since I know they're not really there, I don't listen to them, respond or act on them.

I ignore them.  I keep myself busy.  I put on some nice music or a non-thrilling DVD.

Lithium Carbonate has helped to quiet them somewhat (Though not entirely, because I don't want to take more than one tab a day. I suppose they'd shut up if I took higher dosages? But that would also mean I'd sink deeper into that underwater feeling, so no thanks).

It's also to my advantage that I have strong logical, analytical inclination. Because of this, I am able to research, compile and synthesize data and come up with an application. So while the voices noises and presences can be bothersome, I have the capacity to be discerning and the ability to outsmart my own busy imagination.

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A D D E N D U M :

Bipolar intersection Schizophrenia

Some symptoms that severe bipolar episodes have in common with schizophrenia (Researched from here.) - and some exaggerated examples I picked up from television.  ) 


1. Delusions

Paranoid delusions / delusions of persecution: believing that people are against you, contrary to evidence
e.g.: "I have no proof, but those ladies always spread nasty rumors about me."
"My boss hates me and is bent on getting rid of me."
"There is a clandestine network of black-suited agents out to kill me because I found out they exist.""Big Brother is monitoring us through our cellphones as part of a government control system."

Delusions of reference: thinking that things around are directly related or affected by you - and not in a metaphoric way.
e.g., "I bring rain wherever I go."
"Those cheerleaders whispered about me when I passed."
"That earthquake was meant for me because God is punishing me."

Somatic delusions: perceived illnesses or foreign objects in your body.
e.g., "My hair is falling out, I must be dying."
"There is a chip in my spine implanted by aliens."
"I am pregnant with the baby of an angel who came to me one night."

Delusions of grandeur: perceived special abilities, experiences or attributes
e.g., "I am the son of god returned."
"I am an undercover agent on a special joint CIA-NSA operation."
"I was abducted by aliens"
"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

"I bendo time ando space"

2. Hallucinations
Seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling or tasting things that aren't there.

delusions + hallucinations = A Beautiful Mind

3. Grossly disorganized or catatonic behavior

4. "Negative" symptoms - Loss of important abilities

Alogia - lessening of speech fluency, slowing or blocked thoughts, trite replies to questions Affective flattening - reduction in the range and intensity of emotional expression (facial expression, voice tone, eye contact [staring or avoiding eye contact] ); inability to interpret body language or using inappropriate body language  Avolition - reduction, inability or difficulty in initiating goal-directed behavior (often mistaken for loss of interest), e.g., loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed, sitting around for hours doing nothing
Lack of emotion
Low energy
Low motivation
Lack of interest or ability to socialize, inability to make or keep friends, social isolation

5. Cognitive symptoms

Disorganized speech - disjointed or rambling monologues, speaking to the "voices"
Disorganized or slow thinking
Difficulty understanding
Poor concentration
Poor memory
Difficulty in integrating or expressing thoughts and emotions


I've experienced some of the above in mild, non-illogical, non-harmful measures in association with severe depression or elevation - though never consistently, and never in 6-month periods, and never without depression or elevation or dysphoria. Some of them I think might even be even side effects of Lithium.  :p