We Have To

today's weather: S L I G H T D E P R E S S I O N
anxiety : 1
agitation : 1


I seem to be in an extended period of depression. If I don't count the few days of baseline in mid-April, I would've been in a depressive episode for over a month now. That's ugly. I don't know if the blues have anything to do with the abominably warm weather or the new anti-allergy medicine; all I'm sure of is that I'm experiencing inexplicable sadness and fatigue.

The Hubby and I need to fly over to Nevada to see my Mom. She's had some surgery recently and is requesting our company. It would be a bad idea for me to travel alone, especially in this episode, so the Hubby has to come with me (and take an unpaid leave from work). This major move disrupts our agenda and our budget, so there's a bit of stress over that. We're particularly stressed out about the money. Some relatives and Mama's friends are doing what they can to make this trip possible, but we have no way whatsoever to pay them, and we're hoping that their sense of urgency will make them generous too. We don't have any money for this trip.

This isn't really the wisest thing to do at this time, but it's a right thing. I'm just setting my mind on the joy of seeing Mama and my little sister again, and meeting my Ma's husband for the first time. It''s going to be fun spending some time with them, and this sudden change in routine might just jolt me into a happier state.

Or it could do the opposite - stress me out enough to drag me into a deeper depression (BTW, I slid down into moderate the other day when I thought about the money and all the necessary hassle related to this trip. As is usual in a moderate depression, I was too physically weak, with areas of pain, and I spent almost the whole day in bed). My ruminations have lately quite often boiled down to a graphic death wish.

Waiting for the tickets, we've borrowed luggage, set aside stuff to pack, made inquiries about what we need to take note of, and so on. The hardest part is finding bunnysitters for our two rabbits - we don't have one so far, and that's a cause of further stress. I love those rabbits so much and I don't want to leave them with someone who won't know how to care for them. We'll figure something out. We have to.

And we'll figure the rest out too as we go. We have to.