anxiety : 1
agitation : 1
I haven't felt this depressed in a long while, so I suppose it's about time. Not that I have any choice in it - I swear it came suddenly and unbidden, no triggers, no events, no direct causes, nothing at all to explain what brought it about. I was just off to work, and there it was. And the 35*C /95*F heat is certainly adding to the sluggishness.
I so ACHE for meaningful conversation. Deep friendships. Alas, people our age aren't very interested in making new friends (I mean deep FRIENDS and not just acquaintances) since they tend to be busy building families. Our old friends suck, and our even older friends aren't too keen on rekindling anything. A series of declined invitations? I can take a hint.
There was one particular lady and one unrelated particular man I had both been friends with more than a decade ago, who have initiated rebuilding their friendships with me. Coffee / lunch / dinner / other sorts of meet-ups. It was nice not having to be the initiator for once. I know this may seem arrogant, but they just aren't the type of people I want to be friends with. I was cordial and all, but I kept my own efforts at a minimum, because I don't want to be stuck with friends like those.
I mean, they're okay and all, but I'd like to hang out with people who aren't only willing to spend time with me, but those who will kindle the burdens in my spirit, challenge me intellectually, sharpen me to be a better Christian. I don't want any more boring, wishy-washy friends with whom I can't have a stimulating (not just enjoyable) conversation with, and I'm not interested in welcoming someone into my inner circle of friends if he / she has no inclination for the Lord's work, or relates with God in vague, dispassionate terms. But neither am I interested in Christian-minister friends who are too steeped in church-life that they can't relate with the world anymore.
And besides, I'd like someone who wants to be friends with someone like me. Someone who will be committed and loyal to me, the same way I will be to her. And I do have the tendency to be very committed and deeply loyal to those I really love. Those I really love, not everyone.
So far, I haven't met anyone who fits my standards. :( Or maybe I have, but I haven't really noticed yet. I don't think it's unreasonable to have really high standards for choosing friends, since these will be the people I will allow to have some sort of input or influence in my life.
And I realize that I've probably written another blog entry like this one in the past, but its the current content of my heart, and I'll probably keep writing this sort of entry until I feel some sort of fulfillment in that area
