anxiety : 1
agitation : 1
unwanted guests: moderate dysania (stays until after noon), brittleness of resolve
Having been in a bitter, crushing, debilitating, judgment-impairing moderate depression in the past week or two, I'm climbing out of it now and am able to handle a bit more work without breaking down. It was my worst downward swing in the past twelve months, and I'm glad it's showing signs of lifting.
Sometimes I doubt the diagnosis that I'm bipolar, but when I have episodes like this one - the kind that suddenly grabs me without warning, throws me down and locks me in a stranglehold I can't wrestle out of - any shade of doubt dissipates. When I can't get out of bed because I'm torn up about everything but really nothing in particular for no direct cause, and a physical heaviness in my bones sets in though I have no reason to feel fatigued, it's clearly a "natural" depression. I turn into the most pathetic person in the world overnight, and it all happens from the inside.
I'm honestly getting bored of blogging about this roller-coaster ride, because I end up saying the same things over and over, only in different ways. Besides, nobody reads this anyway. I'm thinking about discontinuing this online journal, but I know I shouldn't, because it gives me a way to track my episodes. Hah. Anyway I'm sure I'll eventually come up with a fresher way to describe the woe and the wonder.
