frustrated disturbed genius

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | stable | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx: 0, agit: 0

It's partially a source of pride, but more of a source of frustration knowing that I'm that, er, so talented. Frustration because despite all this potential, my current accomplishments don't quite measure up to what I think someone so "gifted" should have accomplished.

According to the commercials that feature this milk brand - you've probably seen it; you know, the one that credits itself with producing child prodigies - genius is the result of I.Q. + Proper Nourishment and + Proper Care. As a child I had only the first leg of that triangle, so that's a factor as to why I've got a lot of unused genius at this time of my life, haha.

Still I'm glad to be so blessed to have a rich reservoir of skill, intelligence and creativity. Not many people are this fortunate, right?

Geez, I know that sounds so arrogant.

But anyhow...

I know that someone as gifted as I am is prone to arrogance and megalomania, so I suppose the condition I was born with serves as a counterbalance against hubris.

Nini, my oh-so-ever-loved mentor, told me she did some asking of God as to why He should make me so gifted yet so crippled. She said He told her just that - it is a counterbalance. I did some inquiring and pondering myself and came to the conclusion that I surely would not have given God a care if I thought I were such a genius. If I had never experienced the torturous lows of my bipolar condition, I would not have learned to search for Him in the first place. I would have ignored Him and frolicked in humanism, and perhaps in my genius initiated studies to disprove His existence.

So see, God is so wise to have disabled me to some extent.

On top of that, I realize that I would not have been so creative if I weren't so .. er, bipolar. It has been observed that creativity in bipolars has a direct relation to the condition; indeed, a whole lot of geniuses were bipolars. Or otherwise psychologically disturbed. If the high I.Q. were a controlled variable, the addition of manic-depression would give an already genius-prone individual further depth of emotion and richness of ideas.

So God gets credit for that in my life as well.

It was a time of deep depression that caused me to seek God. Well, I found Him, cleaved to Him and I now 'm stuck like glue. And because I'm joined to an eternal, infinite Reservoir, all the giftedness in me - including the the chemical-imbalance-induced part - is put to good, life-giving use.