what stole my sleep this week

today's weather: S L I G H T N O T H I N G
anxiety : 0
agitation : 0


It's a different kind of creative rush, me thinks.

I must say that making a crossword puzzle is much more fun than answering one. I think I've just stumbled into a new hobby - a non-artsy, rather unconventional one.

Wouldn't I be so proud to share that with people when they ask me about what I enjoy doing: "Oh, I construct crossword puzzles," and more emphatically, "for fun". More ammo in my arsenal of pretentious BS that would make me seem so smart and unique. And boring. Hahaha.

I love that I'm so talented, and in a both-brain-hemispheres sort of way. ;) Tsk.

But seriously, I did have a lot of fun. I wrote more about it here and here.


I enjoyed it too much, in fact. Whenever I'd finish a section of words that lined up perfectly, I would find something I'm not entirely happy with, erase all the affected squares and fill in new words. I did that over and over across the entire puzzle. I mean, both the puzzles I worked on. It was borderline perfectionist and obsessive-compulsive. I'm sure it hadn't crossed over to something unhealthy because I was still having a lot of fun.

If the Hubby hadn't made me promise to sleep, I probably wouldn't have bothered. I stayed awake two nights filling up the grid and writing out the clues, and come this morning I still felt alive enough to go right into the day. But a promise is a promise, so I napped until noon.

the most useless sort of genius

today's weather: S L I G H T D E P R E S S I O N
anxiety : 1
agitation : 1

One of my largest sources of frustration.

I was mulling over The Parable of the Talents again and thought about I haven't even invested half of my God-entrusted "talent" into something of eternal significance. Sure, I've done some stuff here and there, made some practical contribution to this or that ministry. But I still feel massively unfulfilled because I know there is so much more I can and should do.

This is my obsessive overconscience speaking, If you haven't noticed by now. Constant poking by the coulds and shoulds.

This word haunts me: potential. I just freaking haven't lived up to that potential.

i.e., for someone so intelligent and gifted, I haven't really done much.

Genius. Yeah, I've been called that. IQ tests say that I am. People who used to be over me say that I am. I'd like to believe it's a fitting label. Here I remain an underachiver, an manquee, the most useless sort of genius.

I'm not the stereotypical kind of genius [glasses, an inclination to invent or discover, a penchant for proving mathematical theorem - none of that]. I'm a damn tortured artistic type who can't even produce any worthwhile art. The most useless kind.

I suppose I can stop guilting myself by believing it's alright, I'm still young. ish. But what's the point of being a genius when you can't prove it by some concrete contribution to society before mid-life?

I want to do something. I want to accomplish something proportional to my potential. I want to see my dreams and ideas incarnate. And I want to start soon.

But I don't know how.

It's Not A Psychological Disorder

today's weather: BASELINE
anxiety : o
agitation : o

An older lady-friend of mine who happens to be counseling a bipolar asked for my input earlier today. This friend of mine is already a well-equipped, well-trained and experienced minister, but she needed some first-hand info on what being bipolar is like, and what sort of "tools" can be used for this condition.

My collated thoughts on the subject inspire tonight's blog entry. :)

One of the first thing I tell people is that it's not a psychological disorder, though it is often classified as one. More accurately, it's a biological disorder that manifests itself like a psychological one. A more understandable term would be mood disorder - i.e., there is an abnormality that affects a person's moods. Just the moods, emotions, dispositions. It is not a malfunction of cognitive functions such as logic, learning or memory. This is an important fact. You'll see why in a while.


The main tools in navigating through bipolarity:

1. Take the prescription.
2. Identify and avoid the triggers.
3. Identify and apply coping methods.
4. Surround oneself with caring relationships.

Because it's not a Psychological Disorder ...

Because bipolar mood is not a psychological disorder, one's intellectual and mental sides are intact and very functional (unless of course the condition has been untreated for years, remained in extended episodes and swung into psychoses). A bipolar's emotions will definitely get screwy, but he can still get a better handle on the condition by engaging the part of the brain that handles logic, information, and so on. Though nothing can be done about the emotions, some action can be done to adjust one's general attitude and behavior.


1. using knowledge / information

What has personally been helpful to me is gathering relevant information about the condition. The more informed I got, the better-equipped I became.

Sources of information:

(1) A doctor of Psychology. He will have a professional, clinical opinion. This is so as to address the issue properly.

Some people think it's fashionable to flippantly tag themselves with disorders - neat freaks say they have O.C.D., teenagers with fixations call themselves psycho, emotional ones call themselves bipolar - even if they really aren't. A doctor can help to identify if there really is a chemical imbalance going on, and prescribe necessary drugs, maybe some therapy or coping skills.

(2) Medical data. Find articles, facts and resources. It's easier these days thanks to Google

(3) Other bipolars. Though they aren't professionals, they have actual experiences, not just book-based theories. A doctor provides the framework of the condition, research gives the general form, actual bipolars fill-in the colorful details.

It has personally been helpful to me to exchange thoughts with other people who have been diagnosed, as well as reading blogs by bipolars.


2. using analysis and application

All that information is useless if I can't apply it to my life. That's where more left-brain skills come in: I am to sort the information and see how it applies to my particular situation.

For example - My doctor told me to identify the triggers, so I observed what upsets me and took notes. I shared my notes with my husband, sister and close friends so they can help me avoid them.
I came across a mood chart on the internet, modified it to my needs, printed it out and started using it. With a visual prop, I was able to track my patterns and anticipate mood swings.


3. using observation

What to observe:
- What upsets me / excites me?
- What calms me down, or helps me to stay as near as possible to baseline?
- What patterns do my mood swings have? When, how long, etc.
- In which thought patterns do I usually get stuck at?
- Am I exhibiting symptoms of elevation /depression, and what do I need to do if ever?
- etc.

I take note of these and apply necessary information and coping methods. I've shared the info with people close to me too.


4. using memory

It's good to remember what I learned and what I need to do. I know my memory isn't as good as it used to be, so I put some of my notes in this blog, tagged for easy reference.

I'm a Christian and I live by the Word of God. Though I'm not as sharp as I used to be at word-for-word memorization of scripture as when I was young, I've made it a point to commit Biblical principles to my heart and mind. I've compiled and paraphrased a list of scriptures which I have found helpful to combat negative thought patterns.


5. using logic

Logic of course will only apply if you have information.

During depressions, brooding can get the best of me, so that is a good time to force myself to be logical. It doesn't take away the emotion, but it exposes the unnecessary drama and makes things a bit more tolerable (You can call it suppression. Some counselors may discourage that, but it helps me to function until I am more able to deal with the problem properly). For example, when I spiral down into self-pity, forcing myself to think it through would help me to identify that my vile conclusions could be based on some misunderstanding or a perceived though unconfirmed rejection, and I would see that it is therefore unfair to myself to drag me down over something so trivial.

Rational thinking is also very helpful in more extreme episodes when I hear noises. Because I know that they are not real, I don't entertain them, and they don't affect me, and I don't go all schizo.

It's logical thinking and pre-made decisions that keep me from killing myself - or anyone for that matter. Despite all the fantasy suicides and murders I've concocted since childhood, none of them were ever successfully carried out because my mind tells me, that is wrong, God disapproves of that, I may be eternally punished for that, I will not do that, I promised my husband I will not do that, people who depend on me need me to stay alive, and so on.


6. using discipline

Employing any and all of the above effectively needs some degree of discipline. I think that speaks for itself.


So there. I'm good. Ending with another quick, sloppy ending.

discerning the voices

today's weather: B A S E L I N E
anxiety : 0 | agitation : 0

I recently read this article written by Matthew Robert Payne, a Christian who happens to be bipolar. I like reading up on "Christian bipolarity", pretty much since I'm in that boat and I want to know other people's thoughts and professional opinions on it.

Payne is also a minister of sorts and a prophetic one at that. He discusses a bit of the challenge that comes with the territory. He says,

Bipolar has a stigma also that takes its toll.

People assume because you have something wrong with your mind that you are stupid also.

As a born again Christian who hears from God this puts me in a funny camp. Some people consider because I am Bipolar that I am NOT hearing from God and am deluded. This sort of relegates me to the side or the fringes in my Christian experience. Because I hear "voices" people assume that I NEVER hear the right "voice" and that they should not listen to anything I say that I feel God is saying to me and to them.

Of course when I consult a professional they are not too helpful as they call my voices auditory hallucinations. I am not really sure what they think, in all my years of seeing doctors, but they definitely DON'T think I am hearing from God as they don't believe in God.

Sometimes I wish I knew a Christian expert in mental illness. Some-one that knows the "voices" I hear[could also be either] the Holy Spirit and evil spirits, some one that knows the difference between them being "in me" these spirits or just communicating with me.

Besides being misunderstood and having a stigma, we are left to suffer alone ...

Taken from here.

I get what he means. It sucks that people around you think you're an idiot and treat you like you're unimportant because you have these weird mood swings.

This is one reason why I make such a darned big deal about my intelligence - my genius-level IQ, my eidetic memory and my skill with language - so much so that I seem overtly, annoyingly arrogant. Of course I'm arrogant. Well, not only do I have enough right reason to be since I truly am so wickedly smart *snicker snicker*; but it's because this conceit serves as my defense of sorts - it's my way of overcompensating for the stigma I am well too aware of (translated: it's my coping mechanism for my insecurity, hahaha). I will not allow people to treat me like an idiot, and I want to make sure they know that I am an intelligent, rational, logical, analytical human being capable of complex abstractions with a higher IQ than most, and with the rare ability to switch brain dominance at will. I want everyone to be aware that I am not stupid, and that my opinion should matter to them.

I am not illogical nor deluded either. I may have mild hallucinations from time to time when my episodes shoot to extremes, but that does not make me deluded. I am far too intelligent and analytical to know what makes sense and what doesn't.

Yes I do hear voices and noises in my head, but they do not communicate with me, and I sure as hell don't interact with them. They can make me feel afraid or upset me, but they don't affect me at other than an emotional level. It's not hard to tell that they're just all in my head, so it's quite easy to separate them from "real life".

I also happen to be a prophetic Christian, and other Christians who've worked with me and know me well can attest that most of my prophetic messages are spot-on, i.e., apparently inspired by God. I just fear what Mr. Matthew Robert Payne fears - that people will just think "it's all in my head" too, nothing but symptoms of the bipolar hallucinations.

The thing is, it's quite easy for me to distinguish the voice of the Holy Spirit. When He speaks, I have ways to determine that it's really Him and not some hallucination.

• Firstly and most importantly, He will never say anything that contradicts himself. His messages will agree with His already-written Word (the Bible).
• He puts the focus on the Lord, not on myself or any person for that matter. It will make me want to worship or at least thank Him.
  
• Even if His message is a warning or a rebuke, it leaves a positive note, like hope or an encouragement. It will promote love, righteousness, peace and joy. It will not leave me (or any other recipient) depressed or hopeless.
  
• He comes on strong. He may speak softly in whispers or impressions, but with His message comes a resonating conviction.
• The easiest way to check is when someone else receives the same message and confirms it.

So there. Not so hard, is it?

It's also not so hard to discern demonic spirits:

• The easiest way to tell is when the Holy Spirit shows me. And that's that.
• Since I worked as a minister in church, I have in the past come face-to-face with people manifesting demons at deliverance sessions (a.k.a, "exorcisms"), and I feel a bit of anger when encountering a demon. If it's just fear, it's probably just my head and not a demon.
• When a Christian tells a demon to shut up, it recognizes the power of God and obeys, especially if you speak scripture against it. If it doesn't obey, it's likely not a demon but a persistent figment of the imagination.

And I'm quite sure I don't have demons in my head. Besides, demons rarely talk directly and so exposedly to committed followers of Christ like myself, because they know we can easily use scriptures against them.

I'm fortunate that I have two doctors that are both Christians. It's just too bad though that Dr. C's office is like three cities away, and I haven't gone in a while because it's such a major effort to go there. Dr. Z, on the other hand, is more accessible; it's just that she was fairly recently widowed and I feel like a pig for wanting to ask for her help when she needs comfort herself.

Still, the uninformed people around me might prefer to be narrow-minded about all this, so it's good to have a ready defense. I've found that it's advantageous to have a rock-solid argument to cram down their puny little minds, and deliver it using impeccable English in three-or-more syllable words, with a defiant, I-am-definitely-smarter-than-you attitude that makes them feel stupid and compels them to shut up. It might not make them change their mind, but at least they will know that I am not one to be underestimated. Sure, I have insecurities; but that does not mean I have to be inferior.

(I'm pretty sure I feel this strong right now because I'm presently sitting on the baseline, and my self-image will change when I get depressed. I'll be more self-centered then but less vocal.)

So I'm Not a Rocket Scientist

today's weather: B A S E L I N E / N O R M A L
anxiety : 0 | agitation : 0
Today's unwanted guests: Drowsiness and numbness due to allergy meds; can be mistaken for depression and listlessness except there isn't any anx/agit.


I recently read an article that said a person with an IQ of 140 is smart enough to be a rocket scientist. No sh*t?

Howard Wolowitz. My favorite fictional aerospace engineer.
Image from here.

It's quite disappointing that I'm supposedly "that smart" since I've never accomplished anything absurdly intelligent in my life.

I score above 140 on average, I sometimes shoot way past 150 when I'm elevated. But I have never felt being anything as smart as a rocket scientist. Certainly my kind of intelligence is inclined more toward the spatial, linguistic and perceptual rather than numerical - and though I'm good at the logical, I'm not so quick with the mathematical - but nonetheless I'm supposed to be some kind of "genius:.

But then, when I remember how I fared in back school, or when take a look at what I'm doing now, I wouldn't mistake myself for a Howard Wollowitz, and much less a Sheldon Cooper. To someone else, I probably look more like a soup-for-brains Missy Cooper.

For all the IQ tests I aced in school, and for all the motivation from the guidance counselor of how supposedly smart I was, I never got any medals for academic performance. I was what teachers called an underachiever. And it wasn't because I was lazy, as my parents and teachers made me believe. It was really frustrating to know that I was supposed to be so smart but still failed at things, and even more so to have everyone repeatedly point it out.

I see now that it was because I was depressed half the time, and half of that half I was busy sneaking in some Zs. To others who didn't really know what was going on in my head, I appeared lazy when what I actually felt was suicidal and tired. An episode of depression isn't just emotional as most people think - it affects the physical and intellectual aspects too, so I wasn't just "feeling sad" or "not in the mood". It meant I would be too fatigued to do anything, and I would need more rest than usual. It also meant my mind would be duller, and even slowed down further by the obsessive-compulsive behavior that accompanied my episodes.

It wasn't uncommon for me to do excellently in exams and recitations, or be the first one - sometimes the only one - to solve an especially difficult problem. But neither was it a rarity to find me sleeping in on the teacher, or getting stymied at simple seatwork due to difficulties in verbal comprehension (i.e., I couldn't understand what I was hearing / reading). Now knowing that I am bipolar, it makes a lot of sense how I could be in the advanced math class one quarter and flunking out the next, and how my grade could go from a shining A- to a C. I now understand how I could be way ahead of everyone else a lot of the time (thinking that the teaching is too slow), while other times lagging behind (being the slow one).

I loathed myself for all the things people labeled me - lazy, "sprinter", ningas cogon, undisciplined, moody. It did not make me want to be a better person; it just made me want to kill myself. Considering suicide a no-no, it was not an option to actually do it so I did the next best thing: sleep through life. Resign from everything. Bail out on everybody.

I loathed myself for being the stupidest smart person, and I often resigned to settle for passing grades because it was just too much work to do better. No matter how hard I tried, I never made it to the honor roll in high school; I decided to give up altogether. I just had to satisfy myself with knowing that I had higher IQ than most of those girls who were in the honors class.

College was a whole different game; I did really well in every subject without even trying half as hard as I did in high school. In college, I was ALWAYS on the Dean's List, even if I cut classes and failed to submit a few requirements. I was that good. Probably it was because I enjoyed what I was doing and felt less pressure (I'm sure it also helped that I didn't have to tune in to chalkdust-sprinkled, wrinkly old maids with runny stockings; it was very refreshing - even energizing - to have young, attractive, intellectual instructors who did not care about left margins and good manners). But one of the things I appreciated the most is loose schedule, which allowed me more time to rest and have fun. It was then that I realized that private-high-school-style education just didn't suit me, but if I had sufficient breathing room I could excel. I know now of course that more breathing room = less stress = less extreme episodes.

I know for sure by now that I was and am absolutely NOT all those things they called me.
I am not a lazy person, as evidenced by the fact that a lot of the things I create with my hands reguire a lot of hard work and dedication. It just happens that I feel fatigued every now and then and need to rest.
I am not a "sprinter" or ningas cogon, as seen in how I have been faithful to finish things I have set out to do. It's just that due to the shifts in episode, there a shifts in my energy and pace. And also, I know how to tell when something is not worth it and must be abandoned - that is a trait of an effective person.
I am not undisciplined. I happen to be very be disciplined with my time and money, even my emotions. When I work, I work hard; but when I play, I play hard.
I am not moody. I have a chemical imbalance, those idiots.

I wonder though if I would have done better if I didn't go to a stuck-up private school, but went to a Montessori-style one that allowed me to go at my own pace - I could have gone real fast when I was elevated, then slow down when I was depressed. And what if my parents found out about my condition when I was still young, and what if I got help for it instead of being written of as lazy. Would I have become more similar to a rocket scientist?

According to that popular milk commercial, a child's achievement is determined by the three-part triangle of IQ, proper nourishment and parental support. Of couse children with chemical imbalances would greatly benefit from a fourth leg called professional help. Geez, I am such an underachiever.

It could seem that I'm just making excuses for myself, but it's not like I can go back to kindergarten and correct everything - though I would really, really love to. I might as well come to terms with my could-have-been-prodigious-but-actually-less-than-extraordinary childhood instead of continuing to punish myself for being such an underachiever for all those (these) years. Understanding all this gives me patience and wisdom for the future. So what if I'm not a rocket scientist though I supposedly have the intellectual capacity to be one? So what if I'm a genius only half the time? I'm pretty good as is, me thinks.

the word "friend" is relative

severe elev. | high elev. | moderate elev. | slight elev. | BASELINE | slight dep. | moderate dep. | deep dep. | severe dep. || anx: 2 | agit: 3

With ire unsuccessfully hidden behind what I believe could have been a grain of genuine concern, a foolish so-called "friend" asked why it was that I had less control of my emotions ever since I disclosed my condition. I was quick to correct that that perception wasn't at all true and even pointed out how my behavior has often been detestable in the past and is in fact a bit more manageable now with the maintenance aids. I pointed out that it just seemed that way because she was more conscious of my condition now, and now that she knows the symptoms and markers, she would take note of them now in a way that she never did before. If she had been paying attention (a skill she has always been poor at), she would have noticed that.

Another factor that I believe that contributed to that perception is the fact that I felt safer showing how I really felt to those friends who knew about the condition. I didn't feel the need to cover things up, that I could be honest with them, that I didn't have to face my torment alone. I assumed that that now that they knew, they would be a little more understanding. I apparently assumed wrong about the myopic who lack the ability to synthesize.

It was also significant that I had long ago considered her as lacking in the capacity to be the kind of friend that I needed - or even wanted - thus I didn't keep the restraint to be diplomatic toward her specifically. I told her this of course.

I forgot to remind her however, that she was the one who asked "how can i help?" long before. I did not ask for her help, but since she asked - pretending to be concerned - I gave her my answer and I expected her to put out. I gave her a copy of this, my doctor-prescribed notes for friends and family - which obviously threatened her because she saw it as a "keep out" sign instead of a this-is-how-we-stay-friends-though-complicated sign. I no longer felt the need to pursue whatever relationship was there; I did not want to put in the effort, and if neither than she, then I was settled with that. There wasn't much her friendship could contribute to my life anyway.

But I did apologize that I did not have the capacity for relationships the way that "normal" people do. I told her that if she wanted to keep this friendship (which she said she did), that would be her choice, but I will not put in any effort, because i have certain expectations that I am sure she will never meet.

-----------------------------------------

The Kind of Friend I Really Want - and Need
A Wishlist of Requirements

• Intelligence Quotient must not be below 135.
• Christianity or Christian values, non-negotiable.
• Honesty, sincerity, faithfulness and loyalty.
• Trust and trustworthiness.
  
• A love for God and the church. An active involvement in some form of ministry is ideal but not required.
  
• A degree of extroversion, i.e., the ability to interact and have fun, but not in an annoying sanguine manner.
• Some education and awareness, otherwise we will fail to have a conversation that is enjoyable to me.
  
• Some artistic inclination, any field acceptable.
• Appreciation of literature and poetry - reading and / or writing required.
• Acceptable skill in English and Filipino - how else could we converse?
• Certain likes and interests in common with myself, so that we can have discussions and inside jokes. These include but are not limited to Christianity, good books, practical theology, pop philosophy, jadedness, visual art, natural sciences, certain historical royals, asterisms and deep-space objects, wordplay, food, Chuck Palahniuk, Arda-lore, Narnia-lore, Neil Gaiman, bunny rabbits, World War II, rock music, '80s brit post-punk, '90s alternative, classical music, geek stuff, Star Wars, current events, lazy chats, random trivia.
  
• The tendency to be insightful and the ability to express those insights.
• An open mind but a protected heart.
• A dark but intelligent sense of humor.
• Sufficient tolerance for a disturbed bipolar.
  

and this is why I am easily not anyone's friend of choice

severe elev. | high elev. | moderate elev. | slight elev. | BASELINE | slight dep. | moderate dep. | deep dep. | severe dep. || anx: 1, agit: 1


Q : What do you do when the people around you keep spouting idiotic things?
A : Ignore them and hope they stop talking. If that doesn't work and if you feel like being a jerk, challenge them to defend their position. Show off your own intelligence to silence them. Speak in straight English to intimidate.


I can justify that i simply crave some intellectual stimulation (well, it is true). And no one dares engage me.

If I should avoid triggers during an episode, i really should stay away from people who think they're so smart but keep saying un-smart things. Pet Peeve # 72. I don't mind talking with people with lower IQ, just as long as they aren't arrogantly trying to project that they're smarter than they actually are.

Lately I've been exposed to a lot of them. Particularly a few "sightly older people" who assume that just because I am younger I am necessarily naive and inexperienced, and that it is therefore their God-given duty to give me their unsolicited advice. I can't really say that they care; I really feel like they're just meddling.

In one recent meeting with said kind of people, I really thought i was being polite, but when I got home I had a more sober recollection of the evening. That's how it usually goes: Bipolar thinks she is doing OK, bipolar exhibits dreadful behavior, bipolar later regrets show of dreadful behavior. Anyway, I had a feeling they invited us for dinner just to push their own agenda, under the guise of extending their appreciation. Tough luck for them that I'm currently in dysphoria - anx 1, agit 2. I think I slightly snapped at this older man and later showed a lack of grace, just enough to make things go silent at their dinner table. I suppose i may have offended their lack of intelligence. Yeah, yeah; that might have been crass of me, but i hope that teaches them not to meddle in things that really aren't their business. If they weren't so nice, I would have told them off for their ignorant assumptions and their artless snooping.

Of course i'm also considering the possibility that my paranoia is getting the best of me.

And this is why I am easily not anyone's friend of choice, and I really don't mind, because I wouldn't want to be friends with an imbecile who thinks he's an intellectual.

frustrated disturbed genius

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | stable | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx: 0, agit: 0

It's partially a source of pride, but more of a source of frustration knowing that I'm that, er, so talented. Frustration because despite all this potential, my current accomplishments don't quite measure up to what I think someone so "gifted" should have accomplished.

According to the commercials that feature this milk brand - you've probably seen it; you know, the one that credits itself with producing child prodigies - genius is the result of I.Q. + Proper Nourishment and + Proper Care. As a child I had only the first leg of that triangle, so that's a factor as to why I've got a lot of unused genius at this time of my life, haha.

Still I'm glad to be so blessed to have a rich reservoir of skill, intelligence and creativity. Not many people are this fortunate, right?

Geez, I know that sounds so arrogant.

But anyhow...

I know that someone as gifted as I am is prone to arrogance and megalomania, so I suppose the condition I was born with serves as a counterbalance against hubris.

Nini, my oh-so-ever-loved mentor, told me she did some asking of God as to why He should make me so gifted yet so crippled. She said He told her just that - it is a counterbalance. I did some inquiring and pondering myself and came to the conclusion that I surely would not have given God a care if I thought I were such a genius. If I had never experienced the torturous lows of my bipolar condition, I would not have learned to search for Him in the first place. I would have ignored Him and frolicked in humanism, and perhaps in my genius initiated studies to disprove His existence.

So see, God is so wise to have disabled me to some extent.

On top of that, I realize that I would not have been so creative if I weren't so .. er, bipolar. It has been observed that creativity in bipolars has a direct relation to the condition; indeed, a whole lot of geniuses were bipolars. Or otherwise psychologically disturbed. If the high I.Q. were a controlled variable, the addition of manic-depression would give an already genius-prone individual further depth of emotion and richness of ideas.

So God gets credit for that in my life as well.

It was a time of deep depression that caused me to seek God. Well, I found Him, cleaved to Him and I now 'm stuck like glue. And because I'm joined to an eternal, infinite Reservoir, all the giftedness in me - including the the chemical-imbalance-induced part - is put to good, life-giving use.

interesting intelligence influx

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | stable | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx: 0, agit: 0

When I'm depressed, my I.Q. is above average at 135.

When I'm elevated, it hits a strong genius/gifted 158.

My quotient measured 141 at childhood - a score which is actually also in the genius bracket - so I suppose that's what it is when I'm normal.

Thinking speed is a factor considered in gauging one's Intelligence Quotient, so it isn't such a wonder why my I.Q. fluctuates along with my mood shifts. Thinking is a lot slower more and obsessive when I'm depressed; on the other hand it is faster, bolder and more creative when I'm elevated.

So technically, I'm a genius only part of the time.