chopping locks again

today's weather:
SLIGHT ELEVATION + SLIGHT DEPRESSION = SLIGHT DYSPHORIA :(
anxiety : 1 | agitation : 2
today's special but unwanted guest: monophobia


I woke up yesterday morning knowing it was Easter Sunday but not really caring. I remember that earlier in the year, I had a few things planned for Easter, Easter was supposed to be rather significant, but all that has changed now thanks to a treacherous friend called Life. I am left now with a hollow, yearning, feeling.

I looked in the mirror and hated my hair. I wanted to do something drastic. I reckoned that my hair was already so bad, I could't do much worse. The Hubby and I were to leave early for church (yes, 8 in the morning is too early for me), so I had time only for rash decisions. In a random obsessive-compulsive fit, I chopped off a hand-breadth of length from my tresses, dismissing the last of the leftover rebonding from the last treatment that now just make my hair look like Kikuchi Rukia's. I cut it with gusto, finding pleasure in slaying those flyaway guerillas. So it's shorter now again - not exactly boy-short the way I had it around 1998 0r 2003, but more like emo-boy short. After washing and drying of course, and due to the lessened weight, it lost all straightness and settled into my soft, natural waves.

The Hubby seems to like it; he has always preferred short hair on me. I don't dislike it, I'm not too crazy about it, but it's a welcome change. I don't normally like the waves on my hair, but this sort of works. It's just that it lost its luster and there are too many strands waving in the wrong direction. This tells me I ought to seek the help of a professional to tame them. I really do intend later on to go to a parlor to have the cut polished, but I kinda can't afford to spend these days. I'm broke and the Hubby just started in a new job, so I have to curb my wants-but-not-needs. And I thus have to settle for unfabulous hair for now and depend on the iron and various products. Sheesh.

Other people seemed to like it. It's a welcome change. But despite the likes, I am too aware of the misbehaving waves, the dull surface and the jagged cut, so I am just itching to run to the block parlor. Besides, I neither want to have to waste time with the iron nor scoop goop into my hair.

Why does hair have to be such a major issue? Darnit. I wasn't blessed with fine hair so I actually have to make an effort. And until I get to a parlor, it will be a recurring issue, an impertinent squatter at the back of my mind, incessantly poking and stoking my already rising anxiety and agitation.

I thought about shaving it all off, or cropping it real close a la circa 1998. But I'm not so sure about that just yet. If I get too OC in the days between now and the next pay day, I probaby will.

EDIT: Due to my obsession over my hair, I ended up cropping it close. One inch hair all over. Tsk, tsk. It's so darn short now, bordering on cool and psychotic. At least I can't obsess over it anymore now.