Megalomaniacal and Harder Than the Rest

today's weather: B A S E L I N E
anxiety : 0
agitation : 0



It seems that I've been so hunky-dory, I've had nothing to write about the past week and a half. But because I miss posting in this blog, I decided to pick a random critter in my menagerie that I haven't yet written about and say something about it. And the winner is ...

megalomania

A psychopathological condition characterized by delusional fantasies of wealth, power, or omnipotence.
according to Answers.com

I must restate that for every bipolar, the manifestation is different. So while there are bipolars like Stalin, Hitler and Napoleon who have exhibited antagonistic megalomanic tendencies from childhood and have had it full-blown by adulthood, there are nondestructive creative ones like Mark Twain, Emily Dickinson or Tim Burton who have a great deal of imagination but don't seem too delusional. I am more of the latter type, not the former.

I've never reached Napoleon-level megalomania, but I must admit I've seen a shadow of megalomania in my head a couple of times. The worst I've gotten was this indestructible feeling that I could change the world and make it a better place. Ain't that a riot? Normally it's just manifested in a superiority complex, a belief in myself and disregard for others.

A kinda think a megalomaniac has just as much potential to do good to the world as harm. The megalomania I have is usually along the lines of grabbing hold God's intended destiny for this generation - you know, good things, things related to God and destiny. If you think about it, it might just be the kind of crazy God needs to spark something to change the world.

Each bipolar has a different brew because each one has a different background. On my end, my childhood exposure to religious concepts kept me from shooting to extremes. Having grown up with a Catholic / Christian background, my grandmother and my teachers have scared the liar out of me I've grown up to detest lying. Deceptions formed in my mind are nipped in the bud because Jesus hates liars, and I never got to cultivate untruths into delusions by talking about them (Well, that's just one significant factor; there are others, such as having a military man as a father - sucking my emotions in prevented me from acting out and so on).

Recently a friend told me about his other bipolar friend's version of megalomania: He'd boast about riches that he didn't have and deeds he didn't do. I'm not like that. Ideas about the possibility and probability of grandeur do exist in my mind, but I have never stoked it to illogical degrees. Our differences in bipolarity are due to differing backgrounds. This particular bipolar friend happened to have years of drug abuse too, so it is my guess that the logical functions of his brain must've been somewhat fried. It's quite common for bipolars to abuse drugs, though I never have, so my logic cells are more or less alive and intact. I'm guessing he also did some lying and tale-telling as a child and it carried over into adulthood - which as I explained earlier I am not prone to, because grandma made sure to drill in into my mind that Jesus is watching me.

Hitler's megalomania was fueled in part by his antisemitism (and vice-versa, I believe). He grew up in a neighborhood with Jews he found to be unscrupulous and unhygienic; he blamed the death of his mother on a careless Jewish dentist. He let his hatred toward them stew in the form of white-supremacist murderous tendencies. He was a Catholic too, but Hitler was actually a sociopath, okay. His conscience was hardened and his elevations were stoked into cataclysmic levels. Add that to his megalomania and you've got the Fuhrer as we know him in history: no fear, no conscience, no other option but domination.

But lemme emphasize that bipolars are not sociopaths. There may be a few cases like Hitler and Stalin and Napoleon that are both bipolar and sociopathic, but it wouldn't be right to put us all in the same box. I for one do NOT have sociopathic tendencies - I've got an oversensitive conscience actually. I find it very despicable to cheat or lie or steal or break big laws (though I must admit I find amusement in breaking some laws at socially acceptable levels). And though my anger could boil to what I call murderous degrees, I have never come close to committing an actual murder.

I've had my share of childhood trauma, but not the kind that severely injured me to turn me into a genocidal psycho. On top of that, I've had a lot of counseling and healing from being part of a church. I also believe that growing up in a more-or-less safe, civilized, comfortable environment and having reliable family relationships have kept my episodes from being thrown into severe extremes. Also, I'm a rapid-cycler, and the good thing about that is that I rarely ever stay in an episode long enough to act on any "delusions" or megalomanic notions.

So I guess I'm not going to conquer the world anytime soon, hahaha.