today's weather: M O D E R A T E . D E P R E S S I O Nanxiety : 2 | agitation : 3
today's unwanted guests: fatigue, paranoia, anxiety, social anxiety, irritability
At around this time on an ordinary Sunday, I would usually be heading home with the hubby from Church Service, probably munching on a snack bought from a kiosk we passed while going around ATC.
But this isn't an ordinary Sunday. It's another one of those tearful freak-out Sunday mornings that started with the incredibly stressful conundrum of not knowing what to wear in able to get out of the house. Its not just one of those ridiculous girl things in which she thinks everything makes her look fat. It's a lot worse than that.
It started last night actually. I knew I had a service to attend Sunday morning, so I thought I might as well save time and figure out an outfit ahead of time to save trouble the next day. Well, I couldn't find anything satisfactory - a lot of my stuff were in the laundry, and most if not all of the clothes that I had left in the closet were, I realized, in urgent need of retirement; they were either too unpresentable or too "young" for someone my age. The things that were presentable didn't match each other; neither did they go with the only decent pair of shoes I had left. So I eventually got tired and went to bed. But I went to bed knowing I didn't have anything to wear the next day yet, so a good night's sleep eluded me. When morning came, I was happy that I was able to pick out a decent combination from freshly-dried laundry. The problem was I did not have the right underwear for it, making the ensemble unwearable. At wit's end, I informed the Hubby of my dilemma, hopefully to have another head think clearer for my already upset and muddled one. But in drawing his attention, I disturbed the focus on whatever it was he was working on and received an unpleasant response. I returned similarly unpleasant remark, and that all snowballed down into wasted time and energy spent, until it was no longer practical nor possible to proceed to our destination.
Another morning wasted on a wardrobe worry. Darnit. I just don't have enough words to explain how massively, immensely, terribly stressful it is for me to get dressed during a depressive episode. The limited choices compound with the indecision and obsessive-compulsive 'tude and the anxiety and the agitation, and it's just utter insanity.
Right now I feel so unbelievably rejected and dejected, the only thing I want to do is curl up. Energy is so low. I'm still hoping the day will end better, but that can't be up to me right now, because I'm too tired to think of how to create a better ending. I'm hoping someone else would do it for me.
