today's weather: S L I G H T D E P R E S S I O Nanxiety : 1 | agitation : 1
It's been a while since I saw that character in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, but thoughts of Maria Elena sill haunt me.
Most people will likely find her repulsive and disgusting - a raving lunatic - scary and worth shaking a head and chuckling about. But I like her, and wish that I appeared at least half as interesting to other people.
Mostly because I see swatches of myself in her - more specifically the young, adventurous self I knew many years ago - and I kinda miss those sides of me. I don't mean her doped-up irresponsibility or the sexual promiscuity though. Just the more-or-less admirable parts.
I used to paint, you know. I used to make visually intriguing images that could send shivers down someone's spine (I'm not exaggerating; to give an example, there was one picture I drew that made a psych grad student pale and tremble visibly). I can't seem to find it in myself to do so anymore, since both the responsible-adult and the Christianese programming in my head deduce that provocative art is unbecoming of a sensible Christian adult female.
I used to be passionate and unrestrained, fearless. And I miss that. I feel like a huge part of me died - and not in a good way - when I decided I had to grow up. I miss being openly artistic and different, i.e., in common language, weird. I miss being brave enough to not care what others thought. The unpredictable behavior would make me a handful, maybe even a bitch. But with or without it, people already think I'm a bitch anyway, so why bother behaving?
I still dream about having our own home, in which I set up a studio of sorts. I want to return to the core of my being. I'm supposed to be an artist, supposed to be unconventional, supposed to be me.
And if I were to choose between (a) my trying-to-be-a-responsible-grownup self, and (b) the Maria Elena side of me often perceived as bordering on lunacy, I'd choose (b). Between (a) normal and respectable, or (b) scary, shocking and somewhat requires an acquired taste, I'd still choose (b). Between (a) boring, and (b) living with violent mood swings, I'd still choose (b).
