today's weather : SLIGHT DEPRESSIONanxiety : 1 | agitation : 1
Whenever I come home from something that requires some form of social interaction, I more often than not feel like I've done something wrong. I'd feel like I might have stepped on someone's toes, said something offensive, cracked a bad joke or otherwise broke an acceptable social convention. In paranoia, I'd ask the Hubby or my frank-but-trusted friend if I indeed fouled up. More often than not, it turns out I'm just imagining things. But sometimes - just that rare sometimes - people around me could have probably wished I hadn't bothered to make an appearance.
As I try to fall asleep, I'd replay, rewind, replay, rewind and replay again the dialogues and scenes that I can recall. Another reason for sleeplessness. A symptom of pride, I've learned in church (I'm a proud, selfish person. It's a sin God will forgive).
Sometimes I could get too frozen up or too withdrawn for fear of doing something that could mysteriously trigger someone else's disgust. People have this general notion that I don't care about what other people think of me, and I sometimes want them to believe that. But I do care about what others think and feel. I often wish I didn't, or couldn't.
