discerning the voices

today's weather: B A S E L I N E
anxiety : 0 | agitation : 0

I recently read this article written by Matthew Robert Payne, a Christian who happens to be bipolar. I like reading up on "Christian bipolarity", pretty much since I'm in that boat and I want to know other people's thoughts and professional opinions on it.

Payne is also a minister of sorts and a prophetic one at that. He discusses a bit of the challenge that comes with the territory. He says,

Bipolar has a stigma also that takes its toll.

People assume because you have something wrong with your mind that you are stupid also.

As a born again Christian who hears from God this puts me in a funny camp. Some people consider because I am Bipolar that I am NOT hearing from God and am deluded. This sort of relegates me to the side or the fringes in my Christian experience. Because I hear "voices" people assume that I NEVER hear the right "voice" and that they should not listen to anything I say that I feel God is saying to me and to them.

Of course when I consult a professional they are not too helpful as they call my voices auditory hallucinations. I am not really sure what they think, in all my years of seeing doctors, but they definitely DON'T think I am hearing from God as they don't believe in God.

Sometimes I wish I knew a Christian expert in mental illness. Some-one that knows the "voices" I hear[could also be either] the Holy Spirit and evil spirits, some one that knows the difference between them being "in me" these spirits or just communicating with me.

Besides being misunderstood and having a stigma, we are left to suffer alone ...

Taken from here.

I get what he means. It sucks that people around you think you're an idiot and treat you like you're unimportant because you have these weird mood swings.

This is one reason why I make such a darned big deal about my intelligence - my genius-level IQ, my eidetic memory and my skill with language - so much so that I seem overtly, annoyingly arrogant. Of course I'm arrogant. Well, not only do I have enough right reason to be since I truly am so wickedly smart *snicker snicker*; but it's because this conceit serves as my defense of sorts - it's my way of overcompensating for the stigma I am well too aware of (translated: it's my coping mechanism for my insecurity, hahaha). I will not allow people to treat me like an idiot, and I want to make sure they know that I am an intelligent, rational, logical, analytical human being capable of complex abstractions with a higher IQ than most, and with the rare ability to switch brain dominance at will. I want everyone to be aware that I am not stupid, and that my opinion should matter to them.

I am not illogical nor deluded either. I may have mild hallucinations from time to time when my episodes shoot to extremes, but that does not make me deluded. I am far too intelligent and analytical to know what makes sense and what doesn't.

Yes I do hear voices and noises in my head, but they do not communicate with me, and I sure as hell don't interact with them. They can make me feel afraid or upset me, but they don't affect me at other than an emotional level. It's not hard to tell that they're just all in my head, so it's quite easy to separate them from "real life".

I also happen to be a prophetic Christian, and other Christians who've worked with me and know me well can attest that most of my prophetic messages are spot-on, i.e., apparently inspired by God. I just fear what Mr. Matthew Robert Payne fears - that people will just think "it's all in my head" too, nothing but symptoms of the bipolar hallucinations.

The thing is, it's quite easy for me to distinguish the voice of the Holy Spirit. When He speaks, I have ways to determine that it's really Him and not some hallucination.

• Firstly and most importantly, He will never say anything that contradicts himself. His messages will agree with His already-written Word (the Bible).
• He puts the focus on the Lord, not on myself or any person for that matter. It will make me want to worship or at least thank Him.
  
• Even if His message is a warning or a rebuke, it leaves a positive note, like hope or an encouragement. It will promote love, righteousness, peace and joy. It will not leave me (or any other recipient) depressed or hopeless.
  
• He comes on strong. He may speak softly in whispers or impressions, but with His message comes a resonating conviction.
• The easiest way to check is when someone else receives the same message and confirms it.

So there. Not so hard, is it?

It's also not so hard to discern demonic spirits:

• The easiest way to tell is when the Holy Spirit shows me. And that's that.
• Since I worked as a minister in church, I have in the past come face-to-face with people manifesting demons at deliverance sessions (a.k.a, "exorcisms"), and I feel a bit of anger when encountering a demon. If it's just fear, it's probably just my head and not a demon.
• When a Christian tells a demon to shut up, it recognizes the power of God and obeys, especially if you speak scripture against it. If it doesn't obey, it's likely not a demon but a persistent figment of the imagination.

And I'm quite sure I don't have demons in my head. Besides, demons rarely talk directly and so exposedly to committed followers of Christ like myself, because they know we can easily use scriptures against them.

I'm fortunate that I have two doctors that are both Christians. It's just too bad though that Dr. C's office is like three cities away, and I haven't gone in a while because it's such a major effort to go there. Dr. Z, on the other hand, is more accessible; it's just that she was fairly recently widowed and I feel like a pig for wanting to ask for her help when she needs comfort herself.

Still, the uninformed people around me might prefer to be narrow-minded about all this, so it's good to have a ready defense. I've found that it's advantageous to have a rock-solid argument to cram down their puny little minds, and deliver it using impeccable English in three-or-more syllable words, with a defiant, I-am-definitely-smarter-than-you attitude that makes them feel stupid and compels them to shut up. It might not make them change their mind, but at least they will know that I am not one to be underestimated. Sure, I have insecurities; but that does not mean I have to be inferior.

(I'm pretty sure I feel this strong right now because I'm presently sitting on the baseline, and my self-image will change when I get depressed. I'll be more self-centered then but less vocal.)