anxiety : 1
agitation : 1
today's unwanted guest: fatigue and despondency
It doesn't snow here but it's cloudy outside and cloudy inside, and a wretch like me doesn't deserve to live, dammit. I was looking forward to clearing my head enough to dream new dreams while I'm on vacation. Sadly, every new dream I formulate gets killed by the cold, hard facts of life that are hard too ignore. Darn the Sancho Panza in me.
This is the first time I'm spending winter at a country that actually has winter. I'm still here in LV visiting with my mom.
On the bright side, it's much easier choosing an outfit in the cool weather - I don't get so stressed about what to wear the way I usually do during depressive episodes. The cold makes it easy for me, because it's perfectly acceptable to layer my clothing to hide my pudgy limbs, and it's fine to wear black day after day. I love you, Las Vegas winter. Back home in the ultra-hot and humid tropical islands of the Philippines, depressive episodes often lead to wardrobe-related stress and stress-related weeping, because it's just too hot to wear anything that sufficiently covers up the parts of my body I happen to be so insecure about. It's so easy to look good in this weather. I have not once fretted about my appearance since I got here, and I've rarely felt ugly. Oh how i wish I could live here.
Also, here in Vegas, I don't stand out as the weird chick with the crazy outfits - because people here don't seem to mind when you don't look so well-put-together. And I feel at home wearing heavily-shadowed eyelids in the daytime. Or smudgy mascara. If I ever get too distended to pull myself together and fall into another dress-like-Marla-Singer day, no worries; I'd still look normal here.
