With ire unsuccessfully hidden behind what I believe could have been a grain of genuine concern, a foolish so-called "friend" asked why it was that I had less control of my emotions ever since I disclosed my condition. I was quick to correct that that perception wasn't at all true and even pointed out how my behavior has often been detestable in the past and is in fact a bit more manageable now with the maintenance aids. I pointed out that it just seemed that way because she was more conscious of my condition now, and now that she knows the symptoms and markers, she would take note of them now in a way that she never did before. If she had been paying attention (a skill she has always been poor at), she would have noticed that.
Another factor that I believe that contributed to that perception is the fact that I felt safer showing how I really felt to those friends who knew about the condition. I didn't feel the need to cover things up, that I could be honest with them, that I didn't have to face my torment alone. I assumed that that now that they knew, they would be a little more understanding. I apparently assumed wrong about the myopic who lack the ability to synthesize.
It was also significant that I had long ago considered her as lacking in the capacity to be the kind of friend that I needed - or even wanted - thus I didn't keep the restraint to be diplomatic toward her specifically. I told her this of course.
I forgot to remind her however, that she was the one who asked "how can i help?" long before. I did not ask for her help, but since she asked - pretending to be concerned - I gave her my answer and I expected her to put out. I gave her a copy of this, my doctor-prescribed notes for friends and family - which obviously threatened her because she saw it as a "keep out" sign instead of a this-is-how-we-stay-friends-though-complicated sign. I no longer felt the need to pursue whatever relationship was there; I did not want to put in the effort, and if neither than she, then I was settled with that. There wasn't much her friendship could contribute to my life anyway.
But I did apologize that I did not have the capacity for relationships the way that "normal" people do. I told her that if she wanted to keep this friendship (which she said she did), that would be her choice, but I will not put in any effort, because i have certain expectations that I am sure she will never meet.
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The Kind of Friend I Really Want - and Need
A Wishlist of Requirements
- Intelligence Quotient must not be below 135.
- Christianity or Christian values, non-negotiable.
- Honesty, sincerity, faithfulness and loyalty.
- Trust and trustworthiness.
- A love for God and the church. An active involvement in some form of ministry is ideal but not required.
- A degree of extroversion, i.e., the ability to interact and have fun, but not in an annoying sanguine manner.
- Some education and awareness, otherwise we will fail to have a conversation that is enjoyable to me.
- Some artistic inclination, any field acceptable.
- Appreciation of literature and poetry - reading and / or writing required.
- Acceptable skill in English and Filipino - how else could we converse?
- Certain likes and interests in common with myself, so that we can have discussions and inside jokes. These include but are not limited to Christianity, good books, practical theology, pop philosophy, jadedness, visual art, natural sciences, certain historical royals, asterisms and deep-space objects, wordplay, food, Chuck Palahniuk, Arda-lore, Narnia-lore, Neil Gaiman, bunny rabbits, World War II, rock music, '80s brit post-punk, '90s alternative, classical music, geek stuff, Star Wars, current events, lazy chats, random trivia.
- The tendency to be insightful and the ability to express those insights.
- An open mind but a protected heart.
- A dark but intelligent sense of humor.
- Sufficient tolerance for a disturbed bipolar.
