the evils of lithium

today's flavor: H U N K Y - D O R Y  
anxiety : 0
agitation : 0

I'm not sure how long it's been since I last took "The Prescrption".  I think it's been a little over two years, probably three.  The other night I imagined having to answer people's questions as to why I stopped taking the meds, so I reviewed my possible answers.  I decided to write the answers I came up with, and surprisingly, I came up with more than I imagined I would.  

How Lithium Works... Or Doesn't

today's weather: S L I G H T D Y S P H O R I A
anxiety : 1
agitation : 1
today's unwanted guests: voices and noises, racing thoughts, decreased amount of sleep, headache due to decreased amounts of sleep


Some time ago I did a search on Lithium. I read that the primary treatment for bipolar disorder works by inhibiting the transmission of certain chemicals in the brain, resulting in more desirable ratios and thus a more "stabilized" effect. Seemed good to me.

But trying to find the article again yesterday, I stumbled upon this article and this article. Basically they say the same thing: Though Lithium has been widely used to treat psychiatric conditions for many years, its exact effect on the brain is still unknown. It is an approved treatment for bipolar disorder simply because it has been observed that it lessens the symptoms of mania.

Now I wonder if the "lessening of mania" is just a side effect to what it it actually does to the brain. What if might actually be harmful at some level?

Ah, well. Since it's the recognized medical treatment, I'm going to have to trust in it somehow.

But I'm still not going to take it right now, I mean until and unless I really, really have to. Aside from being concerned about the harm it might do to my brain, I need to think about my liver. Fashionable as it may at this day and age to be a drug dependent, I don't want to be one.

My Own Personal Detox Program

today's weather: S L I G H T . E L E V A T I O N
anxiety : 1
agitation : 1

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional. I claim no authority on the subject and speak only for myself. I strongly advise against basing your life decisions on my opinions. You have a brain, use it.

It was about this time last year that I had a surgery to have my impacted tooth removed. It was also about this time last year that I had to discontinue taking the Lithium since it interacts negatively with most pain relievers, and I could not submit myself to surgery without any sort of pain reliever. I hadn't taken Lithium since, and I'm feeling better than ever.

I imagine this will draw the disapproval of legalistic by-the-book sort of people. If you're one of those, just keep it to yourself; I don't want to hear it (or read it), and I will refute everything you have to say anyway, so don't bother.

I know that meds are supposed to be good, they are supposed to be helpful, but medical professionals never tell you about the negative side effects. Two years of taking Lithium has actually been more harmful to me than helpful, and I have no plans of taking it again unless it is absolutely necessary (i.e., when my stress levels threaten to spin out of control- but that can easily be avoided).

Here are the "benefits" that Lithium gave me:

• It actually did nothing for the mood swings. All it did was just dull my fervor a little, but the mood swings and emotions were still there. It was generally useless.
  
• It helped to quiet my mind somewhat, but it did not take away the anxiety and irritability.
• Because it muted my ability to perceive emotional pain a bit, it also muted my conscience. I felt no compulsion to repent of anything or forgive anyone. That's not good for a devoted Christian.
• It made it difficult to connect with God or hear from Him. It was not very enjoyable to worship or pray.
• It dulled my creativity. I happen to be an naturally artistic sort of individual; creativity is very important to me. With Lithium I had no artistic ability at all. I could not write poetry. My sketchbook rotted. I could not feel music the way I used to.
  
• It dulled my perceptions and my ability to form opinions. It slowed my thinking.
  
• It made me feel so far away from myself, like feeling trapped underwater.
• It gave me a stigma of one who is "medicated", thus made me feel far away from everyone else. That's not good at all.
• Lithium interacts with some 600 or so substances, including caffeine, calcium and all sorts of pain killers, so it put a lot of restrictions on me.
• It made me stupider. I used to have an eidetic memory and a very quick, sharp mind. The change was drastic, so I can't attribute it to "growing older". Though I'm still what most people would consider intelligent, I no longer have the same ability to retain large amounts of new information. I read it's a side effect of taking Lithium with NSAIDs, something the doctor never warned me about but said "It's okay". But no, it's not okay. It causes damage to cognitive functions, and I have reason to believe that's what happened.
• It made me less interested in amorous activities, and generally uninterested in sex. This is very harmful to a marriage.
• It made it so much easier to gain weight. Bummer.
  
• It gave me constant headaches, migraines and ringing in my ears. That's not much of a life.
  

I'm not willing to be a slave to all that all over again just for the sake of being "stable" (which is a big misnomer and misconception, by the way). Lithium does not produce desirable effects.

I used to think that bipolars who ditched their medication were wrong to do so, but now I get it.

I've said it before and I'll say it over and over again: good, loving an understanding relationships are vital, and in my opinion, more effective for me. I'm not a medical professional, so you are free not to take my word for it. I have also found that taking meds is counterproductive against bipolarity if there is no one around to give love and support.

And in my experience, coping activities + God + avoiding the triggers been more effective than Lithium in curbing elevation / depression. One year Lithium free, and I have never had an unmanageable problem since we adjusted our lifestyle.

It's Not About the Drugs

today's weather: B A S E L I N E / N O R M A L
anxiety : o | agitation : o


Lithium-free, nine months and counting. No major episodes and loving it.

I hope not to attract any ire for my decision to stay away from my drugs this long, but I probably will, and that's understandable. I just need to do this because Lithium has been more harmful than helpful, and I'd prefer not to experience the side effects.

I don't despise drugs; I'm not one of those flaky, overspiritual Christians who think it is wrong to trust in medicine. I do take meds, I do see doctors and do take treatment as needed - I just prefer to use them without being dependent.

Besides, what's the point of medicine that suppresses one symptom but produces others? Like if my Lithium supposedly muffles the mood swings but heightens the risk for neurotoxicity and poses dangers during pregnancy (not that I intend to be pregnant soon, but just in case it happens, right?), I think I'd like to stay away for a while. For a while.

I do plan to go back on Lithium, particularly when I work again and expose myself to various triggers. But for now that I'm mostly just chilling, I'd rather save money (thirty bucks' worth of drugs a day can really burn holes in your piggy bank, so no thank you, not right now) and save my precious brain cells.

I was talking with a friend some time ago about how good it's been without Lithium so far. Of course I do benefit from taking meds, but I find that surronding myself with loving, supportive relationships is far more helpful and beneficial. Meds are great and all, but they are not the only solution, and I don't even think they are the best.

I quite think it's an unhealthy attitude toward drugs to treat them as a cure-all - Feeling sad? Drink your meds. Feeling energetic? Take your meds. You worried about something? Take your meds. PMS? Take your meds. It's not like problems will go away if you "take your meds".

Poking around and doing research about Bipolar Mood, I learned that one of the top treatments is loving relationships. If a person for example does take his drugs but is constantly misunderstood and rejected by the people around him, a pervading sense of insecurity becomes a permanent stressor in the background of his daily life, which turns even the most minor triggers into major catastrophes. Even with the meds, there will be a lot of drama. I noticed that bipolars or depressives who tend to be heavily dependent on meds are those who don't feel very loved by their families. Often spouses or parents of bipolars could be insensitive, thus unknowingly and carelessly worsening the condition. If all they do is isolate the "crazy person", complain about his mood swings, refuse to understand him and adopt a "take your meds" mentality, it creates a whole toxic, suicidal, murderous atmosphere for the bipolar, which he ill surely act out on.

I'm not saying that all those who take meds are rejected by their families. I'm talking about those who depend heavily on drugs, those who feel like medication is their only hope. There are those of course who have good relationships but have a high-stress job or lifestyle, and need the drugs to curb the swings - but they aren't as hopeless and resigned as those who have a sense of security in their closest relationships.

The bottom line is that family and friends play an important role. If a bipolar feels safe, loved and wanted, it makes a lot of difference.

I'm fortunate that I have caring, supportive family and friends. I've cut off the toxic relationships, and stayed away from that environment which has a lot of overhanging and underlying rejection and intolerance. That did more good than the Lithium ever has. As long as I feel secure, I can handle the triggers.

Pork

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | stable | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx: 0, agit: 0


Crap. I'm revisiting the Doldrums again. So soon. Too soon, me thinks.

Dr. C calls it rapid cycling - I mean going into an episode, staying there for merely a few days then shifting into the opposite pole for a few days and then shifting back for a few days and so on. A look at my charts says I'm prone to rapid cycles.

I hate this. I was looking forward to a happy manic high all summer.

But wait - coming to think of it, this might actually only be a side-effect of going back on Lithium (I went off it unintentionally for a while, as mentioned in previous posts). I'm feeling that underwater sensation again, and I may be confusing it for depression. I'm not anxious or agitated - just numb and lightheaded and kinda sad - so maybe it isn't the Doldrums after all.

Speaking of Lithium side effects, I'm having some dizziness, headaches and body pains (but no fever); some nausea (but no vomiting). And if I use my eyes too much (like when I read or watch the telly), the headache gets vicious. It's the exact experience as it was when I first started taking Lithium, I mean, before I got used to it. Blech. Those symptoms faded out in about two or three months as I got used to my medication, but the underwater effect and numbness-sadness stayed on.

And no surprise - I gained weight. Just like the first time I took Lithium. Even if I stayed on the same diet and daily activities. Heck, I've even been eating less these days! But the pudging-up is so obvious and I feel so puffy and porky.

Oink oink.

I noticed that If didn't engage myself in some activity, it would be easy for me to slump into the blues. As long as I kept myself busy, I'd be fine (so yeah , maybe it isn't really a depression after all). But here's the dilemma: I get too dizzy and headachey if I engage my eyes. Like right now, typing at the keyboard. Darn this. I have to rest my head for a while. I've been having to rest my head so often that I feel like nothing is happening in a day.

Porky behavior. Eat and play and have to sleep every now and then. The result is a porky appearance. Darn this. Bright idea to break the Lithium habit, eh? I really shouldn't try that again.

Li is my friend today

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | stable | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx: 0, agit: 0


I decided to be a good girl and ditch the nasty emotions - as much as I am able anyway. I choose love and joy and peace and good-feeling things. And though I can't really feel those things thoroughly at the times that I should, I just choose to believe in them because I need to.

More significant is the fact that I started bothering about my Lithium again. Note: I didn't really consciously, purposely stop taking it; I just happened to not care for a while and only took my meds when I remembered to (which turned out to be, uh, once a week for the past few weeks) while I enjoyed the increased productivity and energy that came with a manic episode. But since last week's head-biting incidents (plural), I got more stressed than I should have and decided that I wouldn't want anything like that to happen again. Besides, I don't want to risk relationships for productivity.

Lithium is my friend today. I like what it's doing for me these days.

I'm so happy 'cause today I found my friends (they're in my head) ... Yeah, yeah, yeah - eah.

muffled and miffled

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | stable | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx: 1, agit: 1


My friend asked me yesterday, "Isn't medicine supposed to make things better?"

Well, yeah, I said. But I went on to explain that no medication of ever without side effects, contraindications and interactions.

It's possible that Lithium isn't the best medicine for BMD, but it's certainly the primary one - at least according to latest research. Besides, it's the only one available in this country that I can afford.

It's supposed to mute the emotions to help a bipolar to function better. In a certain regard, it's been effective in taming the extreme swings, but I still do get the swings - just not as extreme.

I can feel the big emotions - like anger, anxiety, happiness, frustration, fear, sorrow, excitement and so on. But it' been hard to feel the finer things like sensibilities and sensitivities. It's become rather obvious to me, for example, that I don't enjoy poetry, art and literature as much as I used to. Oh I still can; it's just not that sublime an experience anymore.

Underwater is Normal? Gurgle gurgle.

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 0 , agit : 0


Incredible. It's almost the end of another year and I haven't even begun to savor this one yet.

I usually have mixed episodes in November-December, but there's a chance that it won't be that way this year, since the trademark plunge for September and the elevation for October didn't happen as I extrapolated.

Anyway , I'd rather have mixed eps instead of depressed ones. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I did some reading again recently and noticed that some Lithium side effects are the same as depression symptoms:

• slowness of thinking, speech and movement
• lack of coordination
• feeling of numbness / dullness
• lethargy
• fatigue
• clouded thinking
• blurry vision
• muscle pain
• etc.

I started worrying that maybe I was having an overdose, but Hubby helped me discern that I was just being paranoid (snicker!). I was after all taking only one tablet every other day (Still as a precaution, I intend to take a blood test, the kind that determines thyroid conditions and such).

I also realized that I may have been confusing slight depressions with side effects of Lithium. It would feel like a slight depression, but if it comes with zero anxiety or irritability, it isn't really an episode after all. I suppose then I should slate it as normal if there's only a very slight dullness or numbness and if both anx and agit are zero, or else my records will suggest that I've been mostly depressed, which isn't quite exact.

According to my reading, it's also quite common for Lithium-takers to feel a bit slow and detached from themselves. Something like "I'm right here but my consciousness is miles away". I thought that was depression, but realize that it isn't necessarily so.

Here's how I describe what it's been like since I began to take it last year: it's been kinda like being under water, but a thin, breathable kind of water. A wee bit number, a wee bit dumber. I feel it's such a pity that I can't think as fast as I used to.

Oh well; I should just think of Lithium as a much-needed harness - without it, I could be harmful to myself and others (Think Napoleon, Hiltler and Stalin, haha!).

Glad for a lift. I hope it lasts long.

big boo boo

severe elevation | high elevation | moderate elevation | slight elevation | normal | slight depression | moderate depression | deep depression | severe depression || anx : 2 , agit : 2


I realized just the other day that i should have been doing research regarding my meds' contraindications. The reason that I hadn't bothered was because I supposed that my doctor would have warned me about anything detrimental or fatal.

I took her word - or rather, her lack of it - as she gave me the prescription for Lithium (a staple for BMD) a year ago. I reasoned for myself that after all, Lithium is supposedly naturally-occurring in the human organism, so she probably didn't have to warn me much except to adhere strictly to the prescribed dosage. I'm pretty sure that I told her about the other stuff I was taking - mostly just supplements of other naturally-occurring elements in the body such as melatonin, iron and calcium. There were things that I'd take whenever necessary, such as antihistamines or decongestants or pain-killers.

I don't quite remember why I was inspired to make a Google search on the contraindications of Lithium, but I'm glad I did the other day.

Anyway, to make the long story short, there are certain things I need to stay away from, such as certain decongestants and certain pain-killers (like ibuprofen and the thing that I usually take for my monthly-curse cramps) since they aren't really friends with Lithium. And those Calcium supplements - well, Calcium pretty much lowers Lithium. And I'm glad I didn't take my pastor's advice to ask for antidepressants; most antidepressants plus Lithium equals fatal.

One thing I'm particularly concerned about is that I've read that Lithium should not be taken by people with kidney disease since some of its side effects are dehydration and overworking the kidneys. Well, I don't have kidney disease, but I've had a history of infection that makes me prone to. So I have to make like a fish and drink a lake daily, to prevent both re-infection and dehydration. I definitely have to stay away from cola, coffee and tea.

Another concern is that as I looked up the side effects of Lithium, I noticed that some of which are similar to the symptoms of depression, such as fatigue, listlessness, clumsiness and low energy. It could be that those side effects trigger or worsen my depression.

Anyway, I'm glad I haven't taken or done anything extremely harmful while on Lithium. And thank God for Google which makes accessing info so simple.